Smile Log 112: Suckish to Smiling

So I know it's been awhile since my last post, and I'd love to have some major excuse for taking so much time away from my lighted keyboard, but the truth is simple. I got into a funk of not having the time and energy to grind out a daily smile. Oh, I've had plenty about which to smile and of course I've had plenty with which to antagonize myself and all of that should have made for good writing, but I believe I just got burnt out trying to come up with clever writing every night (and considering how few of my previous posts I could actually consider clever doesn't boost me).

But I'm back tonight. Maybe not every night, but I'll be checking in more frequently and trying not to take things too seriously.

So now to my smiles...

After getting my boy up and off to his bass lessons (thankfully, the burden of hauling the ginormous bass to school in the morning has naggingly been placed upon my husband.. thanks dear) and my girl on the big yellow bus, I was up to my elbows in dirty turtle tank. The last place you're going to find a smile. Trust me on this.

But what brought on my smiles today came long after the reptiles were swimming in cleaner waters and I, too, had my own thorough showering. They occurred in the company of my children, as usual, and they were the kind that built up from the I'm happy to see you today smile to the I'm so proud to know you smile.

I picked up my kids and the bass today (unfortunately, the burden of hauling the ginormous bass home from school falls upon me... you're welcome dear) and immediately I'm greeted by my son. I didn't get the "Hi, Mom!" or a "Hello!" or even a "HHOOONNNNKK!" which is quite the norm actually... for us at least.

"Mom, I need new Beys! Mine are suckish!!" he says to me with a mix of desperation and contentment in his eyes (by the way, for those of you without toys in your life, Bey Blades are glorified spinning tops.) I can see the possible tears in our very near future and that I'm probably going to take the blame for it somehow.

"Suckish, huh?" I say with a smile.

"Yes, no one will trade with me because mine aren't fast enough and they said they are suckish!"

Poor fella, life is hard when your tops don't spin fast enough to knock out other tops. Meanwhile, my daughter is skipping over to me and greeting me with a squeezing hug around my arm and a great big smile.

"So, do you know what type of Bey isn't suckish?" I reply, also with a smile.

It turns out he did know what he needed and planned a trip to the store immediately. But, oh no.. he's foiled by the dreaded MOM and her MOM-Dictated routines! Said routine is to go home, have a 15 minute break with a snack, then do homework. Everything else happens afterwards.

This, I just knew, would send him into those awaiting tears... Ahh, but no. He accepted the routine without any issue (Yippee) and I got to hear all about the awesome Beys on the way home with my daughter's random questions about what dogs are actually saying when they're barking. Hey, that's what it's like riding in my car. And I LOVE it. It makes me smile.

Just when I thought I'd gotten away with diverting attention away from the store, I realized that my beloved routine would still be upset. He wanted a non-suckish Bey, and he was going to get one. He went straight to work on his homework. No 15 minute break happening today! See ya later snack!

I hear him tell his little sister "If we get our homework done quicker, we can probably go to the store afterwards." Homework was done in half the time despite having extra pages to do. I couldn't help it. I had to smile over all of that! To see him set a goal and stay on task to accomplish it was like seeing angels appear to save me from the task of cooking! It was pretty darn miraculous, amazing, and unlikely to happen no matter how much I prayed for it.

So yes, we went to the store. He used his own money to buy new suck-less Beys and I even gave him space to thoroughly peruse that section of the toy aisle in private (I'm a helicopter mom so moving a few aisles down away from him was a big step for me despite the fact that he was in full view anyway).

Once home, we were all around the table together and no one was arguing. SMILE!! The Bey Blader was opening his new stash and modifying them to his need while my girl was painting her new horse piggy bank while discussing all the possible color choices a horse could be (I declared it was a horse of a different color, but I think the Wizard of Oz reference was lost on her). It doesn't get much better than that really. No melt downs. No arguing. No HHOOONNNNKKing. Just smiles all around.

Day 110 Soldering It Together

I went out to get a few items from the craft store and ended up in the jewelry making aisle. Let me say upfront, I have absolutely no talent in the craft arena. I have attempted all sorts of hobbies and tend to fail miserably at them.

But... I saw a puzzle piece pendant, the symbol of autism awareness due to the puzzling condition. I have been wanting one of those that I could wear, but I hadn't really seen any that harkened to me. This particular pendant was a bit large and was supposed to be decorated with tiny crystals to color it to your particular awareness preference. I wasn't particularly keen on sparkly crystals, so I almost put the pendant back. 

Then... Some pretty cool charms caught my eye and I saw that they already had bracelets that I didn't have to "make" or buy special closures and what not. It looked pretty simple. I picked out an uber industrial looking bracelet and some nostalgic charms to go with it. I knew my son would love the charms.

After simply adding the charms, I decided to change the tiny toggle that the bracelet was already equipped with. This is where the proverbial shit hit the fan and the craft reminded me that in his ring, I get knocked down. A little tiny ball fell off a tiny pin that held the bracelet together. It all hinged on the pin. 

My husband got out the soldering iron (We have one of those things? Cool... Can I make little tiny sculptures out of paper clips or something? Wait, one craft bout at a time.) and that little wheel of solder (is that what that wire looking thing is called?). We managed to just make a new ball on the end of that tiny little pin. There were quite a few tries and that craft sure tried puzzling us with all its bobbing and weaving, but we soldered and succeeded. Craft defeated!

Now, I have this really cool bracelet to show for it and a way to show my support for a puzzling condition that will not defeat us either. I can't wait to add more charms when I find ones that my daughter will like as well. I need a few that will down play the size of the puzzle piece a little, but I don't mind that charm being a little big anyway. It makes me smile...

Day 109 Aspy Meets Aspy

I had been awaiting this day for a few weeks. The local library hosted a presentation and book signing by Jesse A. Saperstein, author of Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters and there was no way I was going to miss that. Better yet, I was going to take my son. As far as we know, he hasn't met another Aspergian and I felt like this would be a great opportunity for him to see a fellow Aspy who was not only showing success, but confidence as well, after a life of dealing with antagonists, misconceptions and a turbulent transition into adulthood.

My son has expressed how he can feel alone at times. Through photography and his explanation of his art, he has conveyed a feeling being different and solitary, and believe me, as his mom, that's never easy for me to hear. That said, I want him to feel comfortable with his feelings, accepting of his differences and know that there are others who feel very much the same way. Hell, it seems to me that we all would want feel that way, right? This was the day where he could see that there are others like him, even in his own community.

We got there early, and as more and more people took their seats, I found myself watching the mannerisms of those that settled in to see if I could spy other Aspergians and maybe another parent with whom I could make a connection. But then Jesse entered. 

After watching the YouTube video of one of his presentations (the one above) and reading his book, I knew what to expect to an extent. While, I was not surprised by his candor or frankness, I wasn't expecting his compassionate ability to think on his feet for the sake of another in an uncomfortable position. At one point in today's talk, he held up a mirror and asked us all to take time to look into our mirrors at home and say a positive thing about ourselves. He offered up the opportunity for someone in the audience to share something special about themselves while looking into his mirror. Two boys had gotten up and made comments that left them radiating with pride. But one boy just couldn't think of anything at first. Then, he returned to say that he was horrible at math and he wasn't able to get past that. With quick wit, Jesse turned the statement around to make the comment become a more positive statement regarding honesty and that boy returned to his seat with a smile.

My son struggled to control himself during the presentation. He chose not to take his ADHD medication, and without it, he has less self-restraint. During times that he feels a bit uncomfortable, overwhelmed or even bored, like today where he probably felt a little of all of that at various times, he can find it difficult to be still. He may rock a bit, kick his legs, slightly roll his head, fidget with his fingers, make awkward facial expressions and even talk childishly. I believe it's his form of stimming, but since his symptoms of Asperger's is milder than many on the spectrum, his stimming is usually a little milder as well. When he's on medication, those actions are non-existent so many don't realize he even has those behaviors. Despite seeing many of the kids in the audience with the same difficulties, it's still difficult for me to watch. I just know what kind of misjudgement that type of behavior can bring upon him, and I'd love to protect him from all forms of erroneous impressions no matter how unrealistic that may be. Seeing Jesse describing how he manages these behaviors, I have hope that my son will find his way as well.

As we stood in line for the book signing, my son showed more of his stimming. When we got to Jesse, he childishly said "Hello"with eyes wide and a mouth even broader.  He continued his silly voice to answer when Jesse asked him what he was going to be for Halloween. I tried to break the ice for my son a bit, by getting him to share what he liked best about Jesse's presentation. With normal voice returned, he shared his excitement over an anecdote involving a Studebaker (the antique car aficionado that he is grasped onto that one small mention of a car). He then preceded to contradict the man about the size of a Studebaker. Oh boy... Well, it's not an ideal discussion, but I do like seeing him show confidence. Confidence dispels stimming. 

We both left smiling about what we heard and learned about compromise, understanding, and acceptance. I certainly felt motivated to continue to advocate, and surprisingly more motivated to continue with my writing. My son hasn't completely shared his thoughts on today with me yet, but based on his smiles, I think he did get more from it than a Studebaker comment. But then again, I guess that could've just been the candy he got from waiting in line. Nah, I don't think so. 

I know I got a lot more of out of it. Even his inscription gave me a thrill and a little more clout with my boy. The last line of the note stated to my son that his mom is awesome. Now, I know he doesn't know me from Adam and he was being gracious, but I sure don't think my son needs to know that! It brought a smile to my face and made me walk just a little bit taller. Awesome is something to live up to at least and I'll do whatever I can to be just that. So thank you, Jesse A. Saperstein, for the lessons of a lifetime and for the simple yet meaningful accolade. I look forward to seeing your future endeavors and will be cheering you on along the way!

Please check out Jesse's website, jessesaperstein.com, to view his blog, The Atypical Blog, and to learn more about Jesse, his amazing feats (like hiking the 2,174 mile Appalachian Trail) and Asperger's Syndrome. I highly recommend his book, Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters, as well. I found it funny, enlightening and well worth my time. 

Day 106 Justly Kind

I'm a bit behind on getting my thoughts down today. If I have a prayer's chance of getting up in the morning, I had better keep this one short.

I will take the time to say that I'm still loving my son's teacher! We had our second monthly meeting (that's right, she offered to meet with me monthly just to see how things are going) and I explained that there are significant improvements in my son's stress levels (yay!!), but he was still having social issues on the bus. I went into the story about what happened recently when my son decided to demand that he be given his seat back (he used please). Her reply was awesome! She instantly understood that my son wasn't the instigator and the worst he did was stand up for himself. Why should he be a doormat anyway? Hoorah! Now, she wasn't saying he should start fighting anyone, but if he's being targeted, why can't he verbally speak out? Some may not agree, but I liked her attitude. I felt better that she saw his side of the story, and knew he was a good kid who would stand up against what he thought was wrong. Why should we suppress that?

I get a smile out of how he will hold the door open for others, say thank you when I get him a drink of water, but I love hearing about when he saw that a boy left his lunch box behind and he personally ensured that it was returned to the classmate. I love seeing him wave and smile at a boy that has special needs and isn't always socially accepted by peers (and right after he waved to that boy, an older girl made an ugly face at my son... yea, my kid's the problem here). When he complained about a classmate that shut the door on another classmate with crutches instead of holding the door open, I can't help but think he will be the kid who will not tolerate injustice.

He's a good boy...

Day 105 Walking Tall

I felt like being a little taller today. Maybe the whole stay at home mom thing has been getting to me, but I have had a desire to kick it up a notch when I do the whole away from home mom thing, so I went for the heels today. I didn't have a whole heck of a lot to do really, but I wasn't about to stay home in my pajamas all day.

The shoes hurt the ball of my feet. And the feeling in my pinkie toe on my left foot will hopefully return by tomorrow, but who cares! I walked like I was born with those shoes on! I stood up straight, and tried to look important. The point is I felt good! 

After the kids got off the bus and homework was done, we headed out to the library. Yes, I wore the heels again. By then, the numbness had started in so I had nothing to lose. 

I love our local library! It's huge for one thing, for a small town at least. The staff is great there, they have amazing programs and it's all around fantastic. My daughter made a beeline to the Junie B. Jones books and I'm proud of the fact that she knew where they were! Then, my son had it in his head to get a skateboarding book for the non-fiction section, so upstairs we trotted! He knew exactly where those books would be located. On the descent from the second floor, a librarian commented on my daughter's great shoes and my daughter beamed brighter than her light up shoes!

During my own book search (I wasn't nearly as prepared as my kids), I looked back to ensure my crew was in tow. Yep, but how they managed to stick with me is a mystery as both of them had their noses in their books and their eyes glued to the pages. They both managed to tear themselves away and I lead them to the audiobooks section. 

After listening to Artemis Fowl during our last four hour car ride, my kids have decided that listening to a book is way better than actually reading one! There are cool accents! My son had a couple of books he wanted to read, but had been intimidated by their huge size (and to be perfectly honest, they would take him FOREVER and he's required to read 25 books this year so we can't take that long). He hopped on the computer and requested the titles. He felt quite accomplished!

Then, there she was! The substitute teacher that taught my son during the best three months of third grade, when his teacher was on maternity leave. She was happy to see him, she asked how he liked school, she encouraged him. She also asked me who his teacher was and new that it really mattered! I loved her! She should be cloned! She's now in a different district due to cuts, but of course my son still gets to see his less than favorite teacher from last year on a regular basis. Grrr... But that's okay, because he's doing great anyway and walked away from the chance meeting with a big smile! 

During check out, a librarian greeted my son who was front and center. She said "Hey, weren't you in the first grade book club?! I remember you!" He lit up! She remembered him! He loved that group, but it had been a long time since those meetings! He was rolling in pride! 

This morning I wore heels to be taller. By the end of the library trip, I walked taller simply because my kids were radiantly happy! I didn't need the heels after all and I'm sure my feet would have preferred that I would have figured that out much sooner than I actually did. Heh, they'll heal! 

Day 104 Supported Smiles

This time last year, I was worried beyond stress about what was going on with my son. The hours of homework that he couldn't complete, the frozen way in which he attempted to write and yet, couldn't manage to get anything on paper, the daily struggles socially and the constant learning I had to accomplish to make his life better took it's toll on me.

I read book after book, went from one type of physician to the next, stayed in constant communication with the school, cried through psychologist appointments, hovered over homework and projects, and provided reminders to chew food and brush teeth and, believe me, there was no turning it all off at night. It was always on my mind. What should I be doing now to help my son? It caused me to be tired, stressed out, and tense to the point that my back muscles jumped when rubbed.

All of that worry and studying has done us tremendously well! My son now has a diagnosis, he has an Individualized Education Program (IEP) along with an educational support team unlike any we've ever had. I'm still learning and I'm still advocating for my son, but I'm not so worried anymore.

I am finding support as well. With the Special Education Parent Teacher Organization (SEPTO), I have been able to meet other parents with the same concerns as I. Every child is unique, but every parent shares the same concerns. To hear what other parents are going through and to also hear what makes their child so damn awesome! I felt like I was part of a unit. I shared my experiences, concerns and plans and I listened while other moms and dads did the same.

I feel like I can relax a little now! Oh, I'm ever vigilant when it comes to finding solutions to help us during trying times and my whole body shutters when I read "Main Office" on the caller ID, but I go to bed thinking of my music or fall asleep while giving myself a reiki treatment. I haven't had to go to sleep wondering what would happen next with every pounding beat of my heart.  It feels amazing to have a teacher who listens to me, modifies homework, sends home study guides and actually posts the home work on the the school website!

I'm thrilled to have support and to be feeling better about where we all our right now. My son is getting to enjoy being a student, instead of crying about the hardship. The support of SEPTO makes me smile! The support of my husband during every chapter I read up upon and for dealing with the inevitable meltdown just around the corner also makes me smile. Seeing my son happy to return to school after scraping through his third grade class brings about endless smiles. This place where we all are in our lives now feels so much more freeing and uplifting and I know we're on the right path. We hit bumps in the road, but we'll make it. We have support and we have each other. With all of that, we can do anything and there's nothing that could enhance a smile more!

Day 103 Project TV Buddy

So I'm home after a really long day of packing, traveling, and helping my son study for a test. The latter being the hardest part since he just couldn't retain anything he learned from this weekend or today. We studied before we left for home, we studied off and on during the trip, and we continued studying after arriving home and taking a play break. At one point, I laid my head on the cold enamel top table and repeated "Concord, New Hampshire-- Concord, New Hampshire-- Concord, Concord" and, maybe I blacked out here, but I think I even said "I don't care if you pronounce it Concurd or Con Cord, just write Concord down and remember it, please..."

So after laying down and trying to find my chi for a few minutes, the kids showered and got ready for bed, bedtime reading was done and I wend from finding my chi to finding my remote. I had to catch up with my DVR, I HAD TO!!!

I think it says a lot about my husband, the football fan and watcher of shows like Dexter and Sons of Anarchy, that he will sit right next to me while I watch an hour and half long episode of Project Runway. That man must love me. That really hit me more tonight and sent me into a good laugh when during the newest episode, I made a comment about a character on the show and I couldn't think of his name. My husband chimed up with "Who, Burt?" Yep, thank you. Not only for reminding me of the designer's name that I couldn't retain much like my son couldn't retain Providence, Rhode Island, but for joining me to watch a show that I know he couldn't care less about and actually paying attention to it for me. I appreciate that and I smile because of it.

Does that mean I have to watch Dexter now? Just the opening title sequence turns my stomach... oh boy...

Day 97 Lunch Social Issues

I got the call today. The one I've known I would get eventually, thrilled that I hadn't gotten already, yet just as nervous about receiving.


My son's school psychologist called to let me know that, while my son is having a great year, he is struggling during lunch. I've only been saying that for three years! 


Lunch combines into recess and is pretty unstructured. Imagine about 100 kids all trying to talk louder than the next, rushing to meet their friends at the games and toys. Just try to hear the noise that reverberates off the linoleum and concrete. Picture the cliques of kids huddled around different games, some games you may not know how to play. Now, what many of these kids ignore you sometimes? What if some of these kids have called you names before? Maybe some of them are your friends, but you remember that you just snapped at them in class for being too noisy. What would you do with all of that? I would probably just find a quiet place to be by myself. Not my son though. He's still trying to join the groups and some days he's successful, and yet many days he's not. Today was a "not" day and unfortunately, filled with some tears.


As I talked with the psychologist, she made it clear that she believes that it's too noisy and she wanted to brain storm with me to find the best resolution for my son that didn't require isolating him. A quiet room to eat with a few invited guests would probably be great for some kids, but for my son, he would feel too cut off.


She told me about a book that she had entitled "Can I tell you about Asperger Syndrome? A guide for friends and family" by Jude Welton and offered to allow me to borrow it. The book is from the point of view of boy named Adam who explains Asperger's Syndrome (AS) from his point of view. As we read it all together tonight as a family, I was happy to see both my kids identifying with the boy in the book. No need for my son to feel alone in this after all.


I believe the psychologist would like us to begin carefully sharing his diagnosis with his friends. This book would be a great way to show AS to other classmates. I didn't commit to allowing that disclosure. I'm not sure if we're ready to share that information with other kids. I admit, it could lead to support, but let's face it, kids can be cruel too. I couldn't possibly make that decision for my son. We would all have to talk about that together and consider my son's input overall.


I believe he connected to aspects of the book and as he went to be with the book on his mind, he wore a smile. Many nights he has a hard time turning off his mind and feeling settled. Tonight, he went right to bed, was upbeat and loving, and he really smiled the whole time he was getting in bed and covering up. Seeing him consider himself as not alone in this and as the AS expert in our home (being an expert must feel pretty good... I'm no expert on anything really), is inspiring and certainly smile worthy. Anytime he smiles, I want to smile back ten fold! He'll be okay.... this team will get him there and lunch will be smooth sailing with smiles galore!

Day 92 His View

I've been encouraging my son to pick up our camera and start taking photos. Well, he's been taking photos for a while now, but I wanted him to start thinking about the hobby differently.


Ever since he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome earlier this year, I've been looking up every video, story and first hand accounts I could find. When I found one that I thought my son could relate to, I would share it with him. He would give me his opinion. "Yea, that's like me!" "I do that too!"


I've expressed to him that I was thankful that these people recorded their thoughts in their own way so I along with others could have a better understanding of what their lives are like. This led to discussions on using the camera to express what's on his mind. Hey, it's easier than writing which he struggles with greatly.

When I asked him today what he would take a picture of to show how he feels about himself and about Aspergers and ADHD, to be honest, I wasn't exactly expecting any deep thoughts (I was just trying to help him feel important and confident about who he is... his thoughts matter).  I was surprised and somewhat wrenched by his reply, though. He said he would take a picture of a forest, which I asked him to explain. He said that forests seem lonely. That sometimes he feels alone and sometimes wants to be alone. He didn't seem bothered by this and so I didn't express concern. I suggested he go in the backyard and photograph that.

I helped him get set up and let him do the rest. I was intrigued by what he captured and how he played with monotone and color photos. I hope to be able to share his photographs with you, but at this time I'm choosing to wait until he's ready to share them himself.

When he was done, we loaded the pictures up and he was proud of his work. He explained his opinions about them as well and I was happy to show him how proud I was of him. He did a great job and hopefully, he's gained a new way to step away from stimulating environments (a little less tv time doesn't hurt either), a new form of expression, and another sense of completion and success.

What I gained was more insight into his world. And as I watched him standing on the edge the woods, I couldn't help but view his peering into the dark overgrowth in front of him similarly to how I look into his world. There's a lot going on in there and I'm just touching the surface. It's beautiful and inspiring.

As I photographed him, photographing what he wanted, he began photographing me. We have pictures of each other taking pictures of each other. It was good fun and he certainly made me smile.

Day 87 Teaming Up

Over the last few years, I've grown accustomed to receiving calls or emails from my son's teachers. Little notes used to explain how he became frustrated over too much noise when he's trying to concentrate, he became upset over changes he wasn't expecting, or he had a hard time socially. These issues come with both ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome.


Normally, my son would be given a break and I would hear about the incident at the end of the day.


Last year, I got my first call from the teacher on the second day of school. He wouldn't hand in his practice test incomplete despite being told he wouldn't have time to finish. His thoughts were that assignments must be completed. They always were expected to be done before handing them in. He became quite upset and teary eyed. This year has been different, though! We've made it through a week and a half without "There's a Problem" warnings! Progress people! That's progress!


However, Thursday, my son told me about not being able to focus on his assignment because of noises in the background from classmates. He said his teachers tried giving him headphones, but they didn't work because they weren't plugged in to anything. He said that they even let him sit by himself but it wasn't quiet enough. Did I get a call or email? Nope.


This sounded, to me, as though the teacher and assistant were still working on a solution. Normally, I'm told about the problem so I can be the problem solver, as if I'm the expert here.


That night, was the back to school night at his school and I met up with the special education teacher who helps out with my son. I mentioned my son's noise issue from the day. She said she had heard about it that they were continuing to find ways to help him.


I explained to her that my son uses headphones to listen to music at home in order to drown out my daughter's incessant singing, mumbling, or high pitched pretend voice whole he's doing homework. I offered to allow Hinton bring an iPod in if they were on board with it. She seemed open to it, but of course, wanted to speak with the teacher first.


Today, I received emails from each of them telling me to send in headphones and iPod if I were still okay with that. They would be more than happy to give it a try.


Personally, that felt awesome! I didn't receive the "There's a Problem" correspondence, his support group tried supporting him instead of making him fit to their needs, and they listened to my a suggestion and actually are giving it a try! I could do cartwheels I'm so happy! That's the way a team should work!


Loving my son's new class this year!!

Day 79 Wizard or Witch, Oh My!

For the last few days, I had been anticipating this morning, the morning I meet my son's teacher. Will she have the personality of Glinda the Good Witch or will I need a bucket of water by the end of the year?

Weeks ago, I emailed my son's teacher to arrange a call to simply give her a little information about my son, sort of a little heads up. Not that I consider my son to be anywhere near as warning worthy as a house falling from the sky, but a little "hey, look out for..." is not a bad idea. But, between her vacation, my vacation, and that Tornado Hurricane Irene wiping out the power and internet in my area, we kept missing each other. Finally, I got an email offering for me to come in and meet her personally before school (oh, I like that!).

As I walked into the school, I stopped into the office to let them know I was there. Let me be clear about this. I don't care for the office. For three years I've always been nice, and I always got the cold shoulder. I don't think it's personal, but the head office honcho doesn't try very hard to make you feel welcomed. You know that scene where Dorothy and crew are trying to get in to see the Wizard, and the guard slams the door window on them?

Yep, I feel like that's going to happen to me every time I go into that room. Well, I did, until one day last year, I marched into that office after my son left his class crying yet again, and requested sternly but politely that I would see the principal now. Since then, they seem to pay attention to me. I guess somewhere along the way, I picked up that Badge of Courage and used it.

Once I got past the office gates, so to speak, I found my way to the teacher's room. As I walked in, I felt like asking "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" Gratefully, I left with the sincere feeling that she could be our Wizard instead. She could be the one that gives him the Badge of Self-Esteem, and give him the power to "click his sneakers" to be stress free.

The big difference between the Wizard and my new team mate, is that she was not hiding behind some curtain or afraid to do what was needed. She was upfront about how we could work together, about what she expected, how she would handle situations, but above all she listened to me! I discussed modifying homework so it wouldn't take over two hours like it did last night, and she had no problem with that. Well, I've heard that before, only find out that my son was still being told to complete the work the next day. But this was different. I smiled from ear to ear when I saw that not only was she okay with the adjustments, she made the adjustment for me today.

Amazing!

We might have someone who will really help out this year. Someone who won't push my thoughts aside.   This teacher's got brains, heart, courage and my early approval! There's a long road ahead of us, but with the right support, we will all be smiling!

Day 77 First Day of My Part Time Job

Today was bittersweet. I'm one of those moms that finds it hard to let my kids go. The first day of school is always rough for me, not for my kids, just me. This is a day about which they are both excited! Particularly, my daughter. My son is excited to see his friends, but the last few years have made his love for school wane a bit. But in general, they look forward to who's in their class, who will sit next to them, and all that jazz. As happy as that first day makes us, I'm sent into a flurry of emotions.

I knew when that first buzz from the alarm sounded, the next 10 months would become a stretched out question mark. How will each day be? Will my son be able to get out the door without the house becoming chaotic? Especially now that his sibling is getting ready for that same bus as well. Will my son get through his day without meltdowns and frustrations? Will I get calls from the teacher? How will his bus ride be? How much homework will he have and will I be able to get both kids to get their work done? Will it take hours and hours every day again? And that's just for my son! While my daughter has an easier time at school, I worry about her anxiety. Who knows when someone might get a boo boo and she begins to freak out?! Or what if a gnat flies by her desk? How will the teacher handle a child who won't allow herself to be near unexpected insects? I feel like I should've stuffed a fly swatter in her backpack with the Band-aids I put in there in case she or someone else begins to bleed.

Plus, I'm home alone now! What am I to do with myself now? I already do some work from home and I'll be trying to start a Reiki practice as well, but my life is being a mom. For 7 hours, 5 days a week, I'm a mom without kids. That's 35 hours a week! My full time mom career has become part time!

And why does it get cold here immediately when school starts? It was 80 degrees yesterday and now it's suddenly 61? I can't stand being cold and worse, it's raining! Wet, cold, childless! Oh the horror!

But like the thoughtful man that he is, my husband had planned to take the day off for the first day back to school, not just go in late. He also got me to the IMAX theater to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. I had resigned to the idea of eventually renting it and hanging my head in shame as being the only Potter fan that didn't see the finale in the theater! But now, I just get to own up to being the last Potter fan to see it in the theater instead... and I'm perfectly fine with that. It's as if he knew that I would need something to preoccupy my time today, to take the edge off. I may have been crying in the movie, but I was smiling internally knowing that I have a considerate husband.

I awaited outside (cold and raining, that's how much I couldn't wait for them) for them to get home a full 20 minutes earlier than they were expected. Would they get off the bus smiling? Yes, they did!! I asked how their day was and I heard a resounding "good" from them both. Then, my son went into a lengthy dissertation on Beyblades and how he needed more to join in with his friends... and I mean lengthy. Their happy little faces washed away all the worries of the day.

At least until that alarm tomorrow morning.

Day 63 Awareness, Acceptance Featured!

As the day wore on and I was incredibly lazy for the most part of the day, I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have anything to write about today! Just as I was stressing about the impending hurricane screwing up my vacation this weekend, and I was making back up plans with distaste, I got an email that brightened my day.

I got an email from Sarah from Accepting and Embracing Autism that I am the feature blog this week on Autism Awareness Wednesday Blog Hop for my Awareness, Acceptance post. I couldn’t be happier about that! But maybe for a different reason than expected. I would normally be thrilled to have more people view my blog and I achieve higher page views. This is a little different. It hits closer to home to me. This feature means more people will read about Asperger’s Syndrome and learn more about this form of autism. The reason I wrote that post to begin with was to spread awareness about the disorder that affects my son’s life every day. With awareness, I can expect understanding to grow. Understanding is what will change the lives of those affected by autism. I love some of the Aspergian traits of my son, but the social difficulties and frustrations he experiences would be much easier on him if he had more compassion and consideration from all of those around him. 

If I could have picked any post from my 62 days of blogging, Awareness, Acceptance is the one I would have chosen over any other one. And it simply because I want my son’s life to be better. Plain and simple. I know that I should be concerned with the bigger autism picture, but the more I put information out there for him, the more other’s may benefit from it as well. I know my blog states that I’m looking for my smile and that’s true. However, I’m hoping that I will find my son’s smile, help another mom who might be feeling the same as me find their smile, and help other families affected by autism find smiles and appreciation! If I can accomplish any of this with blog, it’ll all be worth it by miles and miles. Every time some one reads my Awareness, Acceptance post, I smile. That’s one my person closer to understanding and that’s a good reason to light up inside.

Day 61 Simple Questions

It wasn’t hard to find smiles today. I would have to be evil to not laugh and enjoy a one year old’s first birthday party! I loved being around friends, watching my kids play with others, holding the sweetest and newest members of their family. I’m pretty darn sure the cutest kids around were all at that party today. Adorable! 

Regardless, I do get nervous about parties. Will my son handle the crowds well? Will someone say something that puts his mind into a funk? Will I have the right items in my bag of tricks to bring him back from it? And that’s just about my son. I also know that when it’s time to make our exit, my daughter will pull out all the stops to find a way to stay longer, whether it’s utilizing a tantrum or ultra sweet playfulness. So how did we fair today?

We faired well. My son definitely started out in good spirits, engaging with our friends and enlightening them to ins and outs of a nine year old learning the trade at an auto body shop. But then a question was asked. A simple and innocent question. “Do you like to draw?” Well, that question led to my son remembering his light box that doesn’t worked. He’s tried to use that light box a few times with disappointment, but he has ended up putting his images against a glass door instead. Despite the fact that he solved his problem, the memory of the failing light still bothers him and I could see him beginning to become upset. I reminded him of the solution and gave him time to settle himself without bringing attention to it. I’m sure most people didn’t even notice him getting weepy, but I saw that he  was headed down a slippery slope and I needed to find him some even ground.

However, it wasn’t me that pulled him back up. It was the patient voice and even demeanor of a woman he’s met before, but barely knows. A woman, whom we affectionately call Nana despite not being our own grandmother, took the time to engage with him instead of choosing to sit with the adults. And how did it start? With another simple question. “Would like to play a game of bocce with me?” He instantly replied yes, with a brilliant smile that he shines so well. I watched as my son joined Nana in the barn to get the bocce set. I kept watch to make sure he wouldn’t be too overzealous with a ball. Then it was time for cake. As my son and Nana approached for birthday pleasantries, Nana shared her thoughts on my son. She expressed in a tone that ensured honesty that he had quite the eye for bocce, that he had hit the little ball twice, and had a nice “bowling” swing. At hearing this, my son beamed with pride and happily made his way to the cake. She allowed him to see himself in a uplifted view. Like lifting a kaleidoscope to the light and seeing all the beauty within it after having it originally pointed into a dark crevice. 

Everyone at the party was kind to my son, talked with him, invited into the discussion and yet Nana changed his whole outlook on the day and on himself. You just never know what may trigger an emotional meltdown, even the ever so slight ones. Just when I thought my son would have a tough evening, Nana was able to pick him right up. And just by giving him a way to step aside from the crowd, enjoy a game, talk to him like he was an equal and then allowed him to hear her praise. I thanked her for taking the time to do all that and at that moment, the three of us were all smiles, his smile being brightening my life as though it were my own birthday.  

Day 59 Riding Dye Free

We’ve been trying to remove food dyes from our son’s diet. My son has been medicated for his ADHD, but since he’s not in school and hasn’t had appointments, we’ve been skipping the medication. You may remember Day 50 Unmedicated, Unquestionable Smiles where I discussed this in more depth. Since that post, I have been trying to figure out what could be making the sudden positive difference in his behavior while unmedicated. I narrowed it down to being food coloring... possibly. After all, science doesn't exactly back up the theory that food allergies or sensitivities can cause such reactions. I happen to disagree. After doing reading about food dye sensitivities with other families, and how food allergies/sensitivities can cause behavior issues, we began removing the food dyes red, yellow, and blue. When we have slipped up and he ate something with dyes, we’ve noticed his uncontrolled behaviors return. But it isn’t easy...

First of all, he has to look at every ingredient of everything he eats now. Just another stress to throw on that already taxed child’s back. The last thing I want to do is make his life harder, but I know that he will be better off if we find out that he does have a sensitivity dyes. I want him to be a happy, care free kid. Like he was this afternoon, after dinner was over of course!

He pulled on his helmet, hopped onto his kid sized ATV and drove around the house. He looked so happy. He just drives around and around, through the trees and over dips, but the look on his face says it all. He isn’t thinking of anything else like food labels and dyes, just about the ATV and where to go. It’s a look that I love, but don’t see enough. I wish he could ride that thing to school! I wish he could ride that thing in school!! From class to class! I know, that’s ridiculous. Besides,  he would just get frustrated with the the kids that get in the way and honk his little horn at them. At least tonight he had a great time with his vehicle. An amazing look of joy and satisfaction. 

Can you see the "ae" in there?

While he was out enjoying his hobby, I was out enjoying mine with him. I grabbed my camera and decided to play with the low lighting and bulb exposure. I was able to use his ATV headlights to write his initials into the image. It took some practice, but it was fun for both us. Definitely worth the time and worthy of a smile... Maybe one day I'll feel the same way about the food labels!

Day 58 Bursting Taco & Found Humor

I’m back at my parents’ house for a few days and pretty darn happy about that. The drive back was pretty easy aside from my food choice. I decided to grab a couple of tacos for the road and intended on pulling over to eat them. Unfortunately, the drive thru window exited directly onto the road without any parking spaces. Traffic was a bit crazy, so I didn’t even attempt to cut across to another parking lot.  So as I drove on, I attempted to eat the tacos while driving. Not my most brilliant idea. Somehow, as I brought the soft taco up for a bite, I managed to dump tomato, lettuce and onion all over myself. It literally looked like my taco exploded on me. Seriously, I’ve never had a taco with so much condiment and the one day I try to eat one unconventionally, I get a loaded one and then get to wear it. I was finding tomato on the steering wheel, radio, creases of jeans, you name it! I won’t be trying that again. 

Now, that I’m home, and cleaned up from the veggie detonation, I’ve settled in. We sat around and watched some movies. One of which was a movie about a pregnant woman. At the end, she’s in labor and rattling on to her love interest. My son saw this part of the movie and declared “SHE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL! Seriously, she should ride in an ambulance to the HOSPITAL! She’s talking too much!!”  Normally, he would be very serious about this and possibly even become upset. Today, he actually smiled at the end of his rant and started to chuckle. He found the humor in it all and didn’t allow himself to fall into his usual trap. I was so proud of him! I think it helped that my mother and I laughed at the first part of his declaration and made him feel as though he made a joke. He lightened up! He often has had statements that started out as emotional they should’ve’s that quickly spiraled into weepy episodes of misunderstandings. Tonight, though, he was able to turn a possible meltdown into a laugh. I thought it was utterly amazing to me and just as astounding, was that I didn’t have to explain much. I just said “I know... she’ll be fine, it’s just  a movie. “ So proud...

To end my night, I put on one of my favorite movies.. my go to smile inducing movie, 50 First Dates. I just makes me so happy and I love the music/songs played throughout. It’s how I plan on getting to sleep tonight. My husband stayed at home this weekend and I never sleep well without him. You’d think I’d be thrilled that I won’t be awakened by an obnoxious sounding, vibrating iPhone alarm. And I am! But I know that I’ll toss and turn all night. Oh well... I’ll do my best. In the mean time, I’ll reflect on Alex’s little emotional control win and enjoy some Forgetful Lucy beating Ula with a bat. It’s just so funny... right up there with bursting tacos. 

Day 54 Back to School, Ugh

I don’t particularly like school. Oh, I didn’t mind it all that much when I was in school myself, but I’ve grown to loathe it now that my kids are in school. I want summer every day. I want to have an agenda free lifestyle, but I understand that’s just a bit irresponsible. So when I finally got the school supply list yesterday (yes, my school makes us wait until supplies are depleted at the stores before giving us buying power.... they like to make us really work at being parents), I headed out today, with the family in tow, to buy out what was left at the stores.

I’d love to know why some teachers are so brand specific. I’m a Crayola girl and that’s what I like to buy my kids. So when my daughter’s school list specified a 64 box of Crayola crayons was required, I was happy to oblige. However, I don’t understand why it has to be Crayola. Yes, I like the Crayola quality, but what if someone else prefers Rose Art or prefers to buy generic? What if someone has a coupon for a different brand? Do teachers need to actually specify brand for crayons? 

The next one was for markers. The same list specified Mr. Sketch markers. I’ve never even heard of those before and apparently they aren’t sold in many places. Why can’t I just buy my Crayola markers I’ve loved over the years that are stocked readily in the aisle with the 64 box of Crayola crayons? Another trip is needed for that purchase.

On my son’s list, there was the typical irritation. His list specified 3 glue sticks. Have you seen a 3 pack of glue sticks? I’m convinced they don’t exist. So I had to buy 2 packs of 2 glue sticks. Now, you’d think I would be able to use that extra one for my daughter right? She must need glue sticks too, I mean, what elementary student doesn’t?! Well, she needed glue sticks alright, but she required the LARGE glue sticks. Four of them (they’re sold individually)!

Once home, I packed up their backpacks with everything they needed except for the few things I hadn’t been able to find (thank you Mr. Sketch), and hung them up by the door. They don’t start school until September 6th (thank goodness), but it felt good to get that job out of the way, at least most of it. One less thing to worry about.

I do not look forward to sending my kids back to school. We’ve just had such a hard time over the years with my son’s difficulties. I know that once school’s in session again, I’ll be back to three hours of homework, rushing in the morning no matter how early I get up, and daily worry about how my son is handling his day. But for now, the backpacks are ready and that was pretty easy. I’ll take easy as much as I possibly can. I know that I don’t look forward to school, but my kids still do. And that’s amazing to me. After everything my son’s been through, he still gets excited about the beginning of school. That ability to start fresh every year is what I’ll strive for myself. So every time I pass those waiting backpacks, I’ll force a smile until I don’t have actually force it anymore and it comes naturally. Perhaps I’ll meditate thinking of the happy smiles my children will have on their faces that first day of school, wearing those very backpacks, filled to the brim with Crayola, Mr. Sketch and more. I can make myself smile about school... School means smiles, school means smiles, school means smiles.... we’ll see.

Day 52 Awareness, Acceptance

I came across a video today that I found interesting, tearful, and yet smile-worthy. The video is by Alex Plank, an Aspergian, who runs Wrong Planet, an web community for those with autism or parents of autistic children. I have enjoyed watching their Austism Talk TV for a little while now, and today I saw this video. 

As I watched this, there were times when I completely agreed with those interviewed. Temple Grandin for one, and Alex Plank for that matter. Acceptance and understanding can really make a huge difference in these peoples’ lives. What really needs to be understood is that not all autism symptoms are bad. I happen to love that my son is an engineer. He always has been. He would build pulley systems across his room that would lift his toys and relocate them before he was four. He’s now moved onto unique Lego creations and inventions. 

One of those interviewed made the comment about how a diagnosis can sometimes make things worse or give it a negative connotation. I didn't find this to be true in my opinion. A diagnosis helped my son gain assistance in school. He's allowed to ask for breaks when he's overwhelmed, which he rarely does because he doesn't want to fall behind or miss anything. But he needs those breaks to help him control his frustrations. He gets special paper for writing assistance because that's one of his struggles. Social group, occupational therapy, tools to help him deal with overstimulating environments are all on his list of required assistance that he'll receive. Without a diagnosis, he wouldn't get it. Do I think it's right that he has to have a diagnosis to receive these tools? NO! I don't. Unfortunately, that's where the acceptance should be more widespread. Any child should be allowed to receive the tools they need to succeed without the bureaucracy required today. Not all children fit into a diagnosis and they are forced to fit into a rigid system. But that gets into taxes and such and we just don't have time for that today... besides, it's just depressing and this is supposed to be a smile log.

Now where were we? Oh yea...  If you gave us pill that made his autism go away, I don’t think we would ask him take it. Ultimately, it would come down to his decision, but I would like to see him succeed with his gifts despite his social issues and anxiety. I can’t and wouldn’t speak for others on the spectrum or parenting those on the spectrum, and I would understand how many may disagree with that. After all, there is such a wide range of severity. I’m not sure that I would feel the same way if, for instance, my son was non-verbal, completely overwhelmed by sights/sounds/touch to the point he would lose control of his reactions or even worse. 

I do feel that awareness needs to be widespread. My son has dealt with bullying from other children, a school psychologist who sat him down in front of the class and asked the peers to raise their hand if they liked him (not everyone did and those kids are the ones my son remembers), a teacher who increased his anxiety by being just as rigid as he was and preferred punishment over rewards, miscommunication during sporting events and so much more. Whenever there were issues at school that involved a he said she said scenario, my son told the truth whether it made his life harder or not. Other kids know how to lie and pass blame. It’s difficult to watch your son deal with such misunderstanding, cruelty and hardship. These experiences are why I wonder if my son would choose to rid himself of autism or not. I think he would gladly dismiss ADHD. I don’t think he’s ever felt a positive emotion from that. He has been happy in his Asperger world when he’s able to focus and create something of which he can be proud.

I know this post is a bit different from my usual posts, but I would gladly find happiness and smiles if more awareness made out there. So my smile today comes from just that... knowing that someone else will watch Alex’s video and maybe learn just a little bit more.

Day 51 A Nick and a Cut

I took my son for an overdue haircut. It’s overdue because I wanted it to grow out a bit, you know just so it’s longer on top, but clean cut on the back. No, not a bowl cut or “insert celebrity name here” cut. I don’t want them buzzing anything either. Just trim it up and clean it up. He’s got thick hair and a major cowlick, hence the longer style. If his hair is remotely short, it sticks right up, and there’s no slickin’ it down. 

Now, the interesting thing about this trip wasn’t the haircut itself. It was the tiny, little, itsy bitsy, teensy weensy, miniscule, little (did I say that one already) cut. My little imps (that’s what they become at the mall) find it very difficult to walk together without feeling the need to body check or paw at one another. So it was no surprise to me when my son found a tiny, little, itsy bitsy, teensy weensy, miniscule, little cut from his sister on his . And this happened just before going into the salon.

Oh, the drama kicked up at that point! He was cradling his injured  hand with his other hand, holding out in front him as if it just might fall off. 

Then it hit him... “Hair! What if hair gets on it from the haircut!!” 

Oh good Lord! Seriously? I should’ve seen it coming. He doesn’t love having his haircut because he can’t stand--can’t stand-- feeling the tiny hairs around his neck and getting into his ears and clothes, which is another reason why I don’t want them using clippers on him--scissors only. Seems like the loose hair isn’t so fine that way. 

“Your hand will be under the cape and it will be fine, I assure you.” He wasn’t assured. Even as he sat in the chair, while I explained how I wanted the stylist to do his hair, he was deeply concerned. I could see him fighting back tears of frustration. I knew that if I continued to discuss it, he would lose it. I excused myself to the nail polish area and allowed him to continue on without me. Sometimes, you have to know when to walk away, even if you don’t want to. 

A couple of minutes later, I heard him talking it up with the stylist. She got him out of his shell and yuckin’ it up about who knows what... I’ll never know, because my son never remembers anything when I ask him about it later. When the haircut was over, I was called over to inspect. Looked good, except guess what?! She cut him with the scissors. Just a little cut, but definitely bigger than the tiny, little, itsy bitsy, yada yada cut. Did he complain that there was hair all over it?! Nope. When the stylist asked him if he was okay, did he dramatize it? Nope, he was totally fine with it. Huh? Oh, I’m glad he was fine with it, but I just wish I could figure this stuff out occasionally. 

Can you see the nick? That little red dot down there.. see it. 

Now imagine how small the cut on his hand was!

Another problem with the stylist’s mishap is that my daughter saw that she was right after all! She specifically brought this scenario up when she got her haircut (Day 21 Shock of Hair) and I brushed it off. And today she sees her brother attacked with shears! Why does the universe see fit to prove me wrong in front of my children so frequently? 

Sigh... At least everyone walked out happy... some slightly bleeding.. but happy. That’s enough for me! I’ll smile as I smear on neosporin and hope that the scissors were cleaned after ever use.

Day 50 Unmedicated, Unquestionable Smiles

As with most days, today had its ups and downs... Actually, there really weren’t many downs at all. More like ups and evens. Nothing to really complain about and that’s pretty noteworthy. Ohhh, don’t get me wrong... There was plenty of that typical bickering amongst siblings, but it wasn’t all that bad today. In fact, I have been pleasantly surprised at how well my son has been controlling himself the last couple of days.

Our decision to have my son begin medication was not taken lightly. We waited a few years, trying out different strategies and hoping with all that we could muster that maybe, just maybe he would outgrow his ADHD symptoms. Well, that never really happened and we weren’t finding enough success with other strategies so we had the talk with my son about medication. 

It was important to us that he would be on board with this because if he doesn’t want to do it, it would be so much more difficult to follow through on. For example-- My son hates anything gummy. It’s just a sensory thing I guess. Well, we heard of specific vitamin supplement that claimed to help with focus. The problem was that they were gummies. 

It would take him forever to eat them! 

One night, I was awakened by him. telling me that he had something stuck to his face. Yep, he wasn’t kidding! He had gobbly gook mixed with drool plastered to his face from lip to ear and beyond! It was clear he had fallen asleep with vitamins in his mouth! This child somehow managed to eat dinner and brush his teeth while these vitamins stayed untouched tucked away in his cheek! What?! I did think that the vitamins were really helping, but as you see, it was too difficult to get the five year old to actually eat them! So, as you see, we needed him on our side. 

When he was 8 years old (told you waited a few years), we talked it over with him. At first, he was concerned about the medicine changing him (that’s a mature thought). I explained that the medicine was only in his body for 24 hours and if he didn’t like how he felt on it, he could simply not take it again. We had to try different medications to find the right one, but through it all, he liked being able to focus and control himself better so he’s stuck with it. 

But the last 2 days, he was amazingly in control, despite being off medication. I took the kids out to eat last night and he was great! I took them swimming today, and again... great! He had a blast at the pool, diving under the water to retrieve hidden goggles and playing underwater tag. I’m not sure why there’s a difference, but I’m happy to see it.  We'll certainly be contemplating this... 

I’d love to see him off medication again, and this gives me hope. We’ll just have to see... I don’t expect drastic change, but any improvement is not only noteworthy but smile worthy as well! I’m so glad he had a good day! I love that kid so much...