Five Years Later...

It's been five years since my very first post and let me tell you, so much has changed!

When I started this blog, I needed more self-awareness and gratitude. Over the years, so much has changed. I didn't maintain the blog as much as I had hoped, but the personal growth certainly continued. Despite some personal ups and downs, I have found myself so much further along on my journey than I would have expected.

Despite having more children than I did when I started this quest (yep, I now have 4 kids), I have more patience, compassion and I'm finding time to try new hobbies, looking for the one that speaks to me most. Some have been great new experiences, and some were experiences in humility. Who am I kidding, most were, but I did get some good laughs anyway.

I am still learning more and more about myself and what I need to do to be the best person, mother and wife I can be, but I feel so much more content about where I am now. I feel like my relationships with my kids and my husband are stronger than ever and I can't wait to see what smiles the future brings for us.

I'll try to keep updating in more timely fashion and share some great smiles!

Smile Log 113: Birthday Smiles

I woke up smiling today. It's hard not to when your son comes running in and announces "I'm 10 years old today!" Yep, it's his birthday and he was overjoyed.

He was, by far, the happiest I've seen him in a very long time, discussing his plans for the doughnuts that I would be bringing into the class and ensuring that I had enough for the three extra kids that join his classroom occasionally.

Upon arriving to his school to drop off the much anticipated doughnuts, I was greeted by the principal. He happily shared with me that he heard it was a big day! How did he know this? The principal patted me on the back and shared that my son stepped off the bus, declared that it was his birthday and did a dance for good measure!

Stepping off the bus, he was still smiling! He was a happy kid! Then, he saw his gifts on the table! Excitement exuded once again!

He ran down to see the cake I made in the fridge and even from upstairs, I could hear the "THAT IS AWESOME!!" that boomed from below. It doesn't show well in the photo due to the colors, but it's a skateboard cake. Check out Disney Family Fun for the directions as it was really easy and very customizable.

We had a great evening of playing darts and Jenga, followed by pizza and cake, and all was laughing and having a good time. Joined by family and friends (thanks to technology, those who couldn't be here  were there through iChat), we enjoyed the company of our loved ones and cherished the moment. 

So, my boy is 10 years old! Double digits, as one person put it, is eye opening for me, but if the rest of the year holds the same amount of happiness for my son as today did, I will gladly embrace my son growing up. I see what can be for him and how deeply happy he can be with himself and with the possibility of the day and future. No worries, no tension, just happiness. That's worth at least 10 years of smiles to me and nothing less. 

Happy Birthday Son!   

Smile Log 112: Suckish to Smiling

So I know it's been awhile since my last post, and I'd love to have some major excuse for taking so much time away from my lighted keyboard, but the truth is simple. I got into a funk of not having the time and energy to grind out a daily smile. Oh, I've had plenty about which to smile and of course I've had plenty with which to antagonize myself and all of that should have made for good writing, but I believe I just got burnt out trying to come up with clever writing every night (and considering how few of my previous posts I could actually consider clever doesn't boost me).

But I'm back tonight. Maybe not every night, but I'll be checking in more frequently and trying not to take things too seriously.

So now to my smiles...

After getting my boy up and off to his bass lessons (thankfully, the burden of hauling the ginormous bass to school in the morning has naggingly been placed upon my husband.. thanks dear) and my girl on the big yellow bus, I was up to my elbows in dirty turtle tank. The last place you're going to find a smile. Trust me on this.

But what brought on my smiles today came long after the reptiles were swimming in cleaner waters and I, too, had my own thorough showering. They occurred in the company of my children, as usual, and they were the kind that built up from the I'm happy to see you today smile to the I'm so proud to know you smile.

I picked up my kids and the bass today (unfortunately, the burden of hauling the ginormous bass home from school falls upon me... you're welcome dear) and immediately I'm greeted by my son. I didn't get the "Hi, Mom!" or a "Hello!" or even a "HHOOONNNNKK!" which is quite the norm actually... for us at least.

"Mom, I need new Beys! Mine are suckish!!" he says to me with a mix of desperation and contentment in his eyes (by the way, for those of you without toys in your life, Bey Blades are glorified spinning tops.) I can see the possible tears in our very near future and that I'm probably going to take the blame for it somehow.

"Suckish, huh?" I say with a smile.

"Yes, no one will trade with me because mine aren't fast enough and they said they are suckish!"

Poor fella, life is hard when your tops don't spin fast enough to knock out other tops. Meanwhile, my daughter is skipping over to me and greeting me with a squeezing hug around my arm and a great big smile.

"So, do you know what type of Bey isn't suckish?" I reply, also with a smile.

It turns out he did know what he needed and planned a trip to the store immediately. But, oh no.. he's foiled by the dreaded MOM and her MOM-Dictated routines! Said routine is to go home, have a 15 minute break with a snack, then do homework. Everything else happens afterwards.

This, I just knew, would send him into those awaiting tears... Ahh, but no. He accepted the routine without any issue (Yippee) and I got to hear all about the awesome Beys on the way home with my daughter's random questions about what dogs are actually saying when they're barking. Hey, that's what it's like riding in my car. And I LOVE it. It makes me smile.

Just when I thought I'd gotten away with diverting attention away from the store, I realized that my beloved routine would still be upset. He wanted a non-suckish Bey, and he was going to get one. He went straight to work on his homework. No 15 minute break happening today! See ya later snack!

I hear him tell his little sister "If we get our homework done quicker, we can probably go to the store afterwards." Homework was done in half the time despite having extra pages to do. I couldn't help it. I had to smile over all of that! To see him set a goal and stay on task to accomplish it was like seeing angels appear to save me from the task of cooking! It was pretty darn miraculous, amazing, and unlikely to happen no matter how much I prayed for it.

So yes, we went to the store. He used his own money to buy new suck-less Beys and I even gave him space to thoroughly peruse that section of the toy aisle in private (I'm a helicopter mom so moving a few aisles down away from him was a big step for me despite the fact that he was in full view anyway).

Once home, we were all around the table together and no one was arguing. SMILE!! The Bey Blader was opening his new stash and modifying them to his need while my girl was painting her new horse piggy bank while discussing all the possible color choices a horse could be (I declared it was a horse of a different color, but I think the Wizard of Oz reference was lost on her). It doesn't get much better than that really. No melt downs. No arguing. No HHOOONNNNKKing. Just smiles all around.

Day 100 Charlie and Judy

For my 100th post, I would like to share a song that think is appropriate. Unlike the songs Fireworks and Born this Way, I will not cry when I hear this little diddy. I do think of Charlie Chaplin though, and the chin up, move on and smile on the way final image of the movie Modern Times.

My favorite rendition of the song is Judy Garland's. When I hear it, I hear the voice of a mother letting her little darling know that they'll get by, if they just smile. I felt a little guilty about declaring that I preferred Ray Charles' version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow recently on my facebook page, so now I feel a bit redeemed. 

I admit, at times the song can seem a little somber, but the heartfelt voice of Judy strings the lyrics along and you get the feeling that she is taking on her child's heartbreak, that she would take all the heartbreak away if she could. While she is bearing the pain, she begins to uplift the spirit and empower the child. The song is a ballad of beauty with Judy's grace, elegance and meaningfulness. It's a song you don't want to have to sing to your kids, but would if it made everything better. 

And for another smile.... Me, as Charlie Chaplin almost nine years ago at our Halloween party.

Day 74 There IS a Reason to Smile

Vacation is over and after spending too many hours in a car to get to a hotel, I've found it difficult to find much about which to smile! That sounds horrible, I know. I'm sure most people wouldn't be doing cartwheels to return home from sun, beach and pool, but to say I can't find anything worthy of happy thoughts is a tad ridiculous.

After packing up the car, or should I say, cramming everything from swim fins to fishing gear, seashells to driftwood, we headed out.

--By the way, the fins were great this week! They really kept the kids afloat while they practiced swimming and boy did those little urchins of mine have a blast in that pool! So, did I with our little aquatic triathlons.--

--Now, that fishing gear did me no good this time! I got nothing... Well, I did get some relaxation, peace and quiet.--

--And those shells are perfect! The kind you buy in stores everywhere else were lining the shore that was close to untouched by tourists. When we gave one to my Grandma, she lit up over it's uniqueness.--

--While I don't know where my husband found that cool piece of driftwood, I cannot wait to put it up on my wall!--

Anyway, we headed out for breakfast and a quick shopping trip to Ridemakerz and Build-A-Bear. Then it was time to hit the road.

--It was fun watching my son pick out his perfect vehicle. He knew just what he wanted and put it together with ease. Then he talked the ears off of a fellow who was also waiting for a Build-A-Bear shopper about the vehicle he created. And my daughter! She picked out the cutest little bunny and clothed her in such girly attire. So typical of my little princess. They loved it all!--

Well, we drove on and made our way to the halfway point and here I sit in the hotel bed, blogging about my unhappy day. Actually, just writing out my day has brought back a lot of memories of the trip. Memories that brought on a true smile. I suppose I need to stop selling my days short from now on and just let the smiles flow.

Day 73 Other's Smiles

There are times when I am feeling overwrought, I consider my own feelings, without much thought to those around me. I was feeling stressed, tired and a had a bit of a tickle in my throat and a cough.

But there were many moments to smile about regardless.

My other Grandma came for a visit and she's become so frail over the year, but to see her being quick witted and joking around despite her body not allowing her to do what she wants. When my Aunt said to her "We took you to the beach", she replied humorously replied "You took me to a house. I didn't see any beach!" My Aunt then said "well, alright then! We'll take you to see the beach!" And sure enough, with a little effort, we wheeled her right down onto the shore. She loved being in the sand and spending time with the family. Her smile and good humor brought about a change in perspective for me.

After that, I began to see more smile worthy moments. Such as driving down  the road and seeing a woman and child on a crossroad. The woman whispered to the little one and then pulled her close for a hug.

I often forget to look for those gleaming smiles instead of my own personal minute tragedies. I really need to spend more time noticing the little smiles throughout the day of others, an effort I know will bring about more smiles than the self-centered thoughts that take away my own smiles. Today, I had just a few of those smile triggers but it was enough to smile about.

Day 22 See-Saw She-Saw a Cat

My nerves are shot today. I spent A LOT of time in the car today. Drove to Sylvan, then to Target, then to Barnes & Noble, then to gas station, then to Sylvan, then grabbed lunch and on to LEGO camp, then to home, and two hours later back to LEGO camp and then back home. And just about all of those places seemed to be at least 20 minutes apart. There have definitely been some stressful times, but plenty of shining examples of smile moments as well.

As my son spent time with his tutoring, my daughter and I spent time in the book store. We all love books in the house and spend a lot of time reading. She enthusiastically picked up one back after another and shared her thoughts with me. She found a Garfield comic strip book and tried reading it on her own. We went over it together until she declared “Let’s put this one back. It’s kinda boring. Now, off to the kids’ books!” And off we were...

Now, as I’m about to tell you how the kids and I played tag on the school’s playground before camp, I’d like to say how nice playgrounds are these days! I remembered having a few metal things to climb on, a set of swings, a see saw that bruised my bottom more times than I could count, and a metal slide or two that felt like it seared the skin on your legs on a sunny day. That was what was left after they “death trap” merry-go-round was taken out. I actually remember that one of schools had three large concrete cylinders to play on. Yay! Concrete! These days, playgrounds come colorful, with 4 or 5 plastic slides that curve this way and that with bumps and stripes, perfectly sized rock walls, built in seating, steering wheels, games, monkey bars that not only go across, but “S” their away along the equipment and some even spin around, and there are rubber grounds! Oh yea, there are swings, they don’t change much. Anyway, I was amazed by the playground progression over the years. Rubber GROUND! So what was I saying, oh yea... The kids and I played tag on the play ground and loved it. All kinds of ups and downs, fun steps and corkscrew ladders. Amazing fun and we were out of breath by the time we got back to the car. 

At home, we got some summer lessons done and got outside for a bit of exercise. After coming in, I started heading outside again to take a look at the sky... would there be a storm? “What’s that?” “IS THAT A...” Well, I thought I saw the tail end of mountain lion walking into woods behind my house. Just great! I have no proof and I couldn’t compare it to any other animal. Maybe it wasn’t a mountain lion, but it sure looked like one. I alerted my husband, my mother, the police station and the DEC. I could be off my rocker, but I wanted to be safe and not sorry. What’s so bad about this, is I know there’s a stray house cat out there. This was not the same animal, different colors and way different in size, but you can hear a cat meowing out there. It’s a strange sound, at first I thought it was a baby crying, but then we could tell it was a cat. I saw the stray later and it was fine. I don’t know, I was so certain before, but now I’m starting to doubt myself. At least I wanted to doubt myself while my husband and I were standing on the edge of the woods, calling to the kitty (house cat, not big cat) to come on out of there, wondering how many cats were actually watching me. Yikes! So, yes, my nerves are a little wrangled, but nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix. 

All in all, I will try to fall asleep tonight focusing on the playground and book store rather than that tan and white creature I saw in my yard. I’ve never been a cat person. I’ve always been a dog person....

Day 21 A Shock of Hair

When my daughter was younger, about four years old, she wanted her hair cut short like her brother’s. Her curly hair was taking forever to grow out to where it looked long at all, so I wouldn’t chop her beautiful curls for no man’s money. Then she started preschool and her little best friends had long hair, so of course, she wanted to keep her hair long, just like them. I told her that she should wear her hair the way she wants and not some way that’s popular with her friends, be yourself... but I was glad she wanted to keep it long. I loved her hair, that you could literally wrap strands around your finger and make ringlets. Then she saw the Disney movie Tangled and decided that she would never cut her hair again. She wanted to be just like Rapunzel! Well, that wasn’t going to happen. Her hair did get pretty long though. This summer, it was just about to her waist line and every inch of it began to be more tangled than it was Rapunzel. The heat, humidity and sweat wreak havoc on her curly locks and binds them up real tight. I try to keep her hair up off her neck to keep her cooler and prevent knots, but she removes hair ties when she’s had enough of them, and that takes about as long as the walk from the house to the car. Today, as I was brushing her hair and struggling to get the brush through it again, I casually suggested that perhaps we have her hair cut today. Well, she must have been pretty tired of the tangles too, because she agreed with me. Agreeing with me is shocking in itself.

As we made our way to the salon, I could tell she was getting nervous. Mainly because she said “I’m not going to be scared.” So, yes, she was scared. I reminded her that there was nothing to be afraid of and she reminded me that there were scissors involved and that she could get cut. I reassured her of her safety and we walked inside. After about five inches off, a few layers thrown in, and the cutest blow out I’ve ever seen, my girl looks renewed. She looks beautiful like always, and even a little bit older (which, I might add, doesn’t need to be sped up). I have to admit, I didn’t realize it would be that much shorter and it’s not exactly what I’d call short, it goes well past her shoulders, but the layers make it appear shorter. I wasn’t sure what she would think of it. I found out soon enough...

“My friends won’t know it’s me. Megan might not recognize me today.” Oh, boy. 

I could tell that she definitely liked her new haircut. She kept touching it with her hands, telling me not to let it get messed up and talking about how straight it was. She asked me to dry her hair this way every time she takes a shower or a bath. Gee, that sounds like fun. So I knew the style was a hit. 

“My dear, no one will struggle to know who you are. You are one of a kind and no matter how short or long your hair is, your friends will know you and love you.” 

She went to track tonight with her lovely hair down. I couldn’t get her to wear it up, she didn’t want to mess it up. She showed her coaches and friends her new hair stye , and no one had trouble recognizing her.  She ran with a little extra pep and ran for the entire 12 minutes. She laughed a lot and was tremendously happy. That made me happy... and that makes me smile.

Day 18 New Family in my Yard

I saved a baby mouse today. I know that sounds ridiculous to some people, but I felt awesome! 

Our shed’s roof collapsed this winter, due to the great amounts of snow dumped on us courtesy of  Mother Nature and Jack Frost . While my husband was cleaning out that shed today, he saw that a family of mice had made a home in one of the corners. He saw Mama Mouse escape with her new brood out a back corner. One little one was left behind. He told me about it and pointed out the lone little mouse that was unable to follow along. The little fella was so tiny, a little bambino and still had his eyes closed, and it broke my heart to see him lying there alone, squeaking for his Mama. I knew Mama wouldn’t be able to come back for him with repairs being made to the shed. How long could the little survive without her? My husband looked at me and said “Well, go on and get it.” He understands me too awfully well. I asked where Mama went, I followed his direction and found the family around the back. I grabbed my husband’s gloves mostly for sanitary reasons and partly because I’m a pansy, carefully picked up the little fellow and carried him around to where I saw Mama last. Before I could lay Bambino down, Mama peeked her mothering head around a box, saw me and darted away before I could say “Wait, he’s right here!” I hoped I hadn’t missed my chance to reunite this mother and infant, since she was certainly searching for him and following his little squeaks. I laid tiny Bambino where I saw Mama last and stepped away. I couldn’t go too far. I had to know if she came back. She would have to come back for him... I really hoped she would. All of sudden, there she was! She popped her little brown head up over a box, saw Bambino, jumped back in the box, ran around the side and grabbed Bambino and ran off. “YES!” I jumped, clapped my hands and did a Rocky dance with both hands in the air, and a sported a great big smile on my face! 

Now, I know that having a family of mice living in my backyard as neighbors isn’t the most ideal situation. They’ll probably lead to more mice and they might try moving into my house some day, but I just couldn’t bare leaving that little baby alone like that, on a dirty, dank concrete floor. Mother nature will take over from here, and even if I’m trying to keep little Bambino out of my house one day, I’ll sleep better knowing that I didn’t leave that little guy high and dry. I am a mother after all... and after Mama found Bambino, I’d like to think she’s resting easier tonight as well. 

A Song That Makes Me Smile

This song has brought a smile to face since about 1985 and yep, I've been caught belting it out while driving down the road... That was a little embarrassing, but that a brought a smile to their face too. I love it when my kids are playing LEGO Rock Band and they have to play it for me!

I found this "Songs That Makes Us Sing" through Because I'm the Mommy.

Day 17 Idle Kids

I was lying on my bed, taking a break when I reflected on how sibling bickering is driving me crazy! I’ve got to figure out a way to cut down on their quarrels. And it isn’t just the fighting, but the goading that goes on and the stubbornness. The diva is never wrong and can’t stand to proved otherwise, which my son loves to do every chance he gets. I’ve tried reminders, talking to them both, time outs, taking points away from their reward charts and taking away privileges-- and that’s all from today alone! I’m really starting to understand the phrase “Idle hands are the devil’s playground.” I think I’ll be finding projects or crafts for them to do from now on or I’m going to need the time out more than them! I purposefully left our schedules open this summer instead of signing them up for a bunch of camps. I spent the whole school year running from one place to the next. Whether it was vision therapy, basketball, social group, ballet, tutoring, school meetings, or the multitude of doctor appointments, the kids and I always had some place to be. It seemed that there was never a day of rest and it really took its toll on us all. Some of those things were important for my son with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD, some were added because my kids should be allowed to have fun too! It also seemed unfair to make my daughter go to all these places for my son without giving her something that she could call hers.   

This summer I wanted to limit that as much as possible for all our sanity’s sakes. We only have track two nights a week, which the kids and I both can enjoy at the same time, and tutoring for my son two times a week. Okay, I did put my mini developer into a LEGO engineering camp, but it’s only for one week and half days at that. I have no doubt that he’ll love it and it will give his aspie brain an opportunity to do what it does so well, create new models. The week of that camp will be a busy one, but it’s only one week. After that, all of our events are scheduled so that we have long four day weekends. Gotta love a weekend getaway! 

In order to get through the less eventful weeks, I will need to squash the squabbles. No time better than the present to start practicing this. So, as I was trying to breathe and flow in the solace of my room instead of losing my cool and putting everyone to bed by 7:00 pm, I decided I needed to find a smile moment. I pulled out some treats, put in a movie of my choice (Oh no, I’m not giving them another opportunity to disagree on something) and made a pallet for the kids in front of the television. There’s something about a few blankets and pillows on the floor of a dark room that makes them quieter. Notice I said quieter instead of quiet, pallets aren’t miracle workers! It was better than the constant shift of children though. My son has this inability to sit, especially when the movie plot is getting more intense. He always ends up standing in front of the television! My daughter is constantly moving and most of the time, she is moving on top of you! You can now see why I like the pallet so much. Even when they're idle, they're not so idle. 

After the movie, I felt better than I did before I took a break. I did take the time to write a bit while the movie was on to prevent being up really late again, but as I sat here putting down my thoughts from the day, my daughter sat down beside me and promptly fell asleep. I’m going to end today’s entry so I can put her to bed. Yes, I could ask my husband to do it, but time slips by too fast and before you know it, I won’t be able to carry her in my arms. So I’ll pick her up, lay her in bed, kiss her on the cheek and smile knowing that I had another chance to cradle my baby girl. I’ll step across the room and kiss my son goodnight as well and tell him I love him. I’m sure I will think to myself  “They get along so well when they’re sleeping!” and smile as I close the door.

Day 16 Reflection of Smiles

A list of the moments that made me smile today--

When I dropped my son off for tutoring, he got out of the car and walked towards the door, but turned with a smile and gave me an enthusiastic wave just before he walked inside. 

When I picked my son up from tutoring, he beamed with pride to show me his new reward, a plastic snake. I've since put that snake away three times, but it seems to find a way of slithering its way back out. 

My friends had a baby today, mom and baby are doing well. How wonderful is that?!


At the store, my daughter picked out what she thought her friend would want for the birthday party instead of picking out what she would want for herself. 

At lunch, my kids didn’t bicker with one another at all and they even shared croutons and sunflower seeds.

While at home, my kids got in trouble for being too rough with each other and they were sent to their room (not smile-worthy). After about two minutes, I could hear them laughing with each other and  I let them have their fun instead of cracking down on quiet time.

At the track tonight, I saw my son enjoying his run, win ribbons and receive high-fives from his coaches. As he was racing down the 100 meter, I was cheering him on and he looked over and smiled at me. 

My daughter enjoyed her run too, received ribbons and stars, told me all about the game Duck Duck Ice and was completely embarrassed by my cheering her on during her 100 meter race.

The humor that passes between three ladies making their way around a track and cheering on their children, whether the children like it or not, can be very smile inducing!

Returning home to find that dinner was done already by husband! Woot Woot!

Out of nowhere, my daughter looks at me and says “I love you, Mommy.” She then asked for a hug and smiled sweetly as she received my love in return. 

I read bedtime stories to my kids. My girl practiced using her sight words and sounding out words she didn’t know without getting frustrated. My son is reading one of my childhood favorites and I was happy to read a chapter to him.

Just before going to bed, my son told me about all the good things he liked about the day.

It was a busy and exhausting day, but after looking back upon it, I see that it was a good day. I enjoyed the time spent with my kids and my friends. I now need to sit back and relax a little with my husband. I know he cooked today, but maybe I can still squeeze a neck rub out of him. That sounds very smile inducing as well! Oh, and if you’re wondering what Duck Duck Ice is, it’s the same as Duck Duck Goose, except that you slip a piece of ice onto the person that will chase you. Perfect fun on such a hot day and it gave many children laughter and smiles and many parents enjoyed watching the kids squeal in delight! I got a few smiles out of that too. Now, to find my husband...

Day 15 Rx Smile

I have to be completely honest here. Today wasn’t a great day. It wasn’t a horrible day either. I just felt irritated all day and there was no getting out of it. It didn’t start out that way, but the aggravation kept building much like my son’s LEGO toys. Why, you ask? My children have But-I Syndrome. Never heard of it? Allow me to explain. But-I Syndrome is a pediatric condition where the child responds to any and all parental request with the words “but I...” and is occasionally accompanied with stomping, hair pulling, jaw and fist clenching, and slamming doors, . It is contagious among siblings, leads to exhaustion of parents, all of which often seems incurable. My daughter had a bad case of the dreaded disorder today.

My daughter had a play date today. I was reminded of this the second I got up this morning because my daughter was already in her bathing suit, ready for the friend’s inflatable water slide. She began preparing her backpack with what she felt was necessary for this get together. Unfortunately, she packs like my husband (See Day 14 Packing a Smile) and we disagreed upon what was needed. I don’t feel that she should bring more than a change of clothes, towel, sunblock and water bottle. I explained this to her as she was trying to cram in fancy dress-up clothes, stuffed animals, a crown, sunglasses, toy glasses, dress-up shoes, and jewelry. “But I need to bring them!!” she says to me. My poor floors, I feel badly that they get stomped on like they do, but they’ve got it easy compared to the door jams. I packed the bag with what I felt was appropriate and added sunglasses, crown and one stuffed animal as a compromise after she came to her senses (threats of missing play dates can bring about a miraculous change in the condition) and realized that the more she brought, the more she was likely to accidentally leave behind.

When it was time to pick up my ill child from the play date, I knew that her affliction would rear its ugly head again. “But I don’t want to go yet! I was having fun!!” My lovely daughter left the play date with a furrowed brow, another symptom of the sickness, with everything except the stuffed animal that was misplaced somewhere. 

At the store, we had another terrible episode of But-I Syndrome. I know, I should have put the ailing child on bed rest, but the shopping had to be done. As soon as we get inside, it all begins. My daughter is pushing my son aside so she can be in front of him. He starts telling on her. I ask her to stop shoving him to be next in line. “But I don’t want to be last!!” This is when my son began showing that he had caught this heinous disease. “But I don’t want to be pushed!” he says. At this point, I’ve made it clear that there is no shoving, bickering or arguing and we will walk side by side instead of in a line. That’s right, we’ll take up the entire aisle if we have to, but no shoving to be next in line or you’ll lose reward points! Well, that led to more bickering some how. “But I am trying to walk like you said and now he’s trying to get me in trouble by making me get in front of him!” Bed rest, there needs to be bed rest. For me or her? At that point, I wasn't sure which yet.

That is just a sample of the day in the life of parent caring for a child with But-I Syndrome. The disorder spread through out both children and progressively worsened through out the day. Earlier, I mentioned that the symptoms often seems incurable. For the most part, that does seem to be the case. On this particular evening, I was able to find relief. I was grateful to have my husband. He swooped him, gave the kids a chore, read them books and got them all set for bed. I never even had to ask for help. He knew my jump-rope (See Day 11 Short Ropes) was nearing its plastic handled end. I smiled when I heard him reading and counting with my daughter. I beamed when my girl counted the apples in the book and didn’t skip the number 15 for the first time! I loved seeing my son reading with my husband and actually smiling his way to sleep. While more research is needed, it would seem like a cure for But-I Syndrome lies within reach. Parental team work will be needed and along with rest and relaxation. Soon after, smiles with follow, much like tonight.

Day 14 Packing a Smile

I woke up on my own this morning! I opened my eyes and didn’t hear bickering. At that moment, I listened for the voices of angels singing and harps being strummed because it felt that heavenly! I looked to my side and my husband wasn’t there. I don’t think he’s gotten out of bed before me more than 10 times in our whole marriage so I was little surprised. I got dressed and headed downstairs and that’s about where the euphoria I felt began to dissipate. 

I wanted to get an early start today because we needed to return home in time for a sporting event for my kids. My husband needed to make repairs to his computer so he went to the shop with my son in tow. I started packing the car. Please understand that my husband and I disagree about what should be brought along when we go to my parents’ home for a visit. I know that if I want to exercise, I just need my sneakers. He seems to think we need every weight and workout tool known to man. He brings 4 fishing poles because there is a slight chance that he may go fishing. I know I’m not going fishing and neither is my daughter, and that his fishing buddy is out of town, so it would seem excessive to me. I could go on, but I’ll spare you. In short, I pack light, he packs tonnage. The problem wasn’t the overload of essentials/non-essentials, it was that I was being ignored. I had specifically said we didn’t need all that equipment before I went out of town. I had specifically said I wanted to leave early, and due to the dent in the computer that needed to be fixed immediately for some reason, I was leaving late. This form of inattention occurs frequently enough to drive me batty. I feel like yelling “Hello? Are you hearing me?” I was boiling over, but I thankfully had a lengthy car ride to ease me out of it. 


I ended up getting home with 30 minutes to get the kids and myself ready for the track. I got it done and I didn’t lose my cool as we were heading out the door, so that felt pretty good. We got there just in time to sign in and disperse, which led to a few smiles around the track. I enjoyed seeing my son get picked as a helper and watching both my kids run the track with pride and motivation. The bonus for me at the track was that I ran with a friend and had a conversation with someone who wasn’t still in elementary school or a relative. That doesn’t happen often enough, so I appreciate when it happens. Another great thing about this evening? I barely had to unpack that conglomeration of vital tackle and training gear, so I was thrilled! You know what you need to pack for a smile? Just a good thought! I do like packing light and memories take up absolutely no trunk space!

Day 13 Painted Smiles

I’m in the parking lot of a grocery store, peering into the trunk of my car. I really do attempt to prepare myself for any occasion by stocking my car with anything I can imagine that could come in handy! Need a place to sit while visiting a playground? I’ve got blankets for that. Does someone want to play baseball while out and about? I’ve got a bat and whiffle balls just for the occasion and a football if you change your mind. Oooh, paper cut? Yessirree Bob, I’ve got a first aid kit. Umbrellas, games, fishing gear, shoes, clothes and more, it’s all back there and usually fairly neatly stored. 


Today, I needed items to preoccupy the kids while waiting for the fireworks display. I’ve shoved glow sticks, sweaters, and balls in my bag, clutched blankets and a cute little fairy fold up chair and start off towards the fields. Wait, headphones! “Don’t close the trunk!” I grab headphones and turn away back towards the fields. Oh, you know what, I’ve got face paint! Yep, I have face paint in my trunk. What, you don’t?. “Open the trunk again!” After I’ve shoved the palette of  perfectly pretty pastels into my handbag, And I’m off to see the fireworks, for real this time. 


As I’m carrying this load across the parking lot to my awaiting family, I begin to feel burdened. Literally, I’m carrying quite a bit here. I’ve got the tinker fairy’s chair banging against one leg, my over flowing handbag falling off my shoulder, a blanket unravelling and I’m trying to keep my tied sweater from sliding off my waist. I picture that Breathe and Flow jump rope with a new notch in it and decide to use the mantra. I take a big, belly filling breath and release. I wasn’t exactly shocked to feel calmer or better, but I was surprised where my brain took me in that breath. I thought “What a great moment this night will be! Don’t forget any of it!” I was right. It was a fun, easy going evening, and I loved it all!

There were countless smile moments! We set out our blankets, I got out the face paint. My moxie-filled diva of a daughter sat in front of me and we began the artwork. I started one on her and she moved on to decorating me. We had a blast adding flowers, butterflies, angels and mom “tattoos” to our canvas of skin. 

Up walks more family and friends and what’s not to do, but smile! My son was in a great mood almost all day and it continued into the late night. Even almost throwing a football up an innocent bystanders behind by accident didn’t make him upset. And there’s nothing like cheap plastic light up toys to make a child smile either! The fireworks began, my daughter wore her headphones and listened to music to keep from having to cover her ears from the booms, and we all gathered closer to watch the spectacular event. It was stress free. We were all happy in that moment. The fireworks were great, but the moment was enlivening! It was a great evening and I will do everything I can to try and remember it all. And hey, now that I see how I look with multiple colorful tattoos up and down my arms, maybe I’ll design a real one to remember the evening. Maybe a few fireworks on the upper arm. Heh, well it was just a thought and even that one made me smile again! 

Day 12 Feathers and Family

I have begun to realize that my wardrobe has gotten stale. I’ve lost a bit of playfulness in my fashion right along with that smile for which I’m searching. Somewhere along my life's path, I substituted animal print flats for comfy sandals. Oh, I still love my big brown boots and can’t get enough of them, but I’ve lost the glitzier side of my wardrobe. I don’t buy a lot of clothing, so I tend buy easy wear clothes and a few items that have that extra bit of design to them. That’s why I love handbags so! I can add a punch of color or pizazz to any plain outfit with my handbag. Unfortunately, I have somewhat expensive tastes when it comes to those carriers of necessities and not so necessities and I can’t just go out and get a new one any time I would like to do so. I have forgotten all about the other types of accessories though! 

Today, I came across a headband that I never would have had the guts to buy before. A cute feathery piece with a band that almost disappears once placed upon my head. The subdued purple and hint of turquoise smiled to me and I had to have it. The hair piece is most certainly unique next to the rest of my hair accessories which consist of black hair bands and tortoise shell clips. Doesn’t get much more boring than that! I definitely felt doubt about the purchase, wondering would I actually wear it, but I got it any way and wore it immediately! I felt more youthful and whimsical! A portable  fountain of youth that brightened the eyes, and I can’t wait to wear it again! It may seem silly that I can feel this way over a headband, and I can’t fully explain it, but I just felt livelier! That’s enough for me. 

And where did I wear this feathery goodness? To my sister’s new home for a barbecue! I loved being there and seeing how happy she is in her comfortable abode, with a fellow who treats her well and all the possibilities that lay ahead for her. The kids had a good time coaxing me and multiple other people to play tag and baseball with them and everyone enjoyed the afternoon out. That’s right, I was pitching whiffle balls with feathers in my hair! I had a good time along with everyone else and I hope we have many more gatherings just like that for years to come. My sister’s happiness and her sharing her home with us all made for an evening filled with smiles! I wanted to soak up every moment of it and hold on to it for as long as possible. These events are too few to take them for granted. When I wear my purple feathers, I will smile thinking of my sister’s gathering and my poor pitching skills that didn’t hamper my son from cracking apart every ball. I will remember my daughter’s eager laughter during stuffed animal tag. I don’t think this headband will be shut away in a closet with the rest of my hair ties. This one will remain close by and visible so I can be reminded as often as possible of my good time with family, and a smile can be brought back to me once more. 

Day 11 Short Ropes

Remember that “Breathe and Flow” mantra from Day 5? Yes, well I forgot it today. Today wasn’t a continuation of the lazy days from before. We went outlet mall shopping and then returned home to a truck load of mulch in my parents’ driveway. My father and my son were already hard at work filling a wagon and dispersing the mulch and my son was loving it. I joined right in. No need to work out tonight! I am not known to be an outdoorsy type of person and it is not my favorite place to work either. Sure, I like sitting on the deck and reading a book, but that’s about where it ends. That being said, I enjoyed the hard work. It felt good to lend a  hand for my parents when they so regularly give and never ask for anything in return. All of that went well. Clean up was another story...

By this point, I’m tired and hungry. I left my son with instructions to take a shower and that didn’t happen. Even after walking him to the shower later, we still had to keep reminding him to get out. I should have just let it go, but it is one of those things that just irk me now. Why can’t he just wash his hair, wash his body and get out? Of course rinse hair and body too, believe me, I have to remind him of that as well. I should have just repeated “breath and flow” to myself when I was feeling irritated and I didn’t. I had to make my point and frustrate the situation further by counting down to him and shouting through the door that it’s time to get out now. Why didn’t I just walk away? Because I was frustrated already. I felt the build up of many small stressors throughout the day and allowed them to culminate into that very moment, a moment where, once again, some body didn’t listen to me and I felt the proverbial end of my rope slip away. Terrible terrible terrible! I have got to breathe and flow. I’m going to picture a long sisal rope. No, a jump rope like the ones from grade school! That's a more colorful and playful kind of rope. Stamped on the rope will be the mantra “breathe and flow”. I need to take that rope and mentally create notches in it through out the day at times that I’m feeling stressed so I can see when the end is coming and learn to avoid meltdowns at the end of the day.  I will practice more! I will practice with smaller situations and bigger situations. I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them. My jump rope will remind me to play more and stress less and allow me to see when I’ve reached a limit of stressful situations. Yep, that's what I'll do. Gotta love a plan!

On a more spirited note, I will say that seeing my son wave to me as we pulled into the driveway today was one of my biggest smile provoking moments. I loved seeing him brighten up when we arrived and run to meet us so he could tell us how hard he’s been working. Another big smile moment would be from my daughter. Miss priss was completely against the idea of working. “I’m in my best dress!” she declared when asked to join in. She eventually came out and got into the thick of it, even spreading mulch with her bare hands! The little insectophobe was out there shoveling, getting dirty and plucking weeds, well not the weeds with bugs on them, but she plucked a few. Her pride shone through and it made me happy to see her thrilled with herself. My kids are great source of my happiness and I need to focus more on that at times. I need to take more time to be happy with them and not just the dictator that gives orders. More playtime is needed and more smiles will come... maybe we’ll go jump rope together!

Day 10 Monster Smile

It feels so good to be lazy!! I took time to sit in the warm sun and read, put together a puzzle with my mother and take a walk with my husband. A girl can get used to this! While there wasn’t much happening today that I would really find worthy to share, there was one funny moment that made me smile...

My son arrived home this afternoon and decided to watch television. He’s a bit of a gear-head usually and apparently, I have an internal limit to how much I can withstand shows that review cars, auction cars, restore cars, build cars, wreck cars and etcetera, so much so that I am willing to watch just about anything else. And that is why I didn’t protest when he came across a show about searching for a loch ness type of monster. This show went off and he seemed to enjoy it. Afterwards, a new show about a chupacabra monster came on. I could tell that this particular show had a very intense, yellow journalism feel to it and I asked my son if he was sure he wanted to watch this. “Of course, I do!” he says. I figured I would just see what happens. I really don’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than necessary.  As the show continues, it became a bit too realistic to me and so I said that he should probably turn the channel if it’s bothering him. He changes it alright, but then he becomes weepy and upset--How will he know what happens now? I told him that I was giving him the choice to change it or not, but that I didn’t want the show to be upsetting to him. He leaps for the remote and turns the channel back to the chupacabra. I’m watching him carefully when suddenly the chupacabra jumps out into the scene! He sits bolt upright, mouth gaping, eyes big as saucers and looks to me. “I’m changing the channel. It’s freakin’ me out!” I may be back to watching how a car is made with robots in a factory, but at least I know that my son was able to handle the surprise monster attack. If he hadn’t turned the channel back, we would have had a long battle about a tv show. Instead, he watched more than I would have liked, but it didn’t hurt him. He made the decision to change the channel and now he understands why I warned him about it. After he changed the station, he was perfectly fine. I will not always allow him to make the decision, but this is one I can live with. There are a lot of real life monster moments that I won’t be there to warn him about and I want him to learn to handle those big decisions on his own when the time comes.

Not only did I have a bit of laugh to myself when he jumped out of his skin (it was pretty funny), but I can smile knowing he’s gotten one monster under his belt. Take that chupacabra!

Day 9 Cast a Smile

I am noticing some changes around here. I almost don’t want to reflect on our case of good humoredness in fear of completely jinxing our way back into freak-out land. Maybe it is all due to our vacation and taking a break from all scheduling, but I would like to think that it is in part due to me taking time to adjust my way of seeing things, at least attempting to make adjustments. I feel as though it may be rubbing off onto my son. As much as I would love to believe that, I can't say that I do completely. I know I'm smiling more and am more content in general. I have seen the same from him. 

I have noticed my son beginning to get frustrated and with a quick reminder, he is able to turn his emotions around. I’ve watched him smile more even in situations that I would have expected him to become serious and upset. Regardless of why, to see him smile abundantly is a conquest that I have long sought after through advice, books, therapists, doctors, and more before I ever considered my own happiness. I want nothing more than to see him light up and enjoy his life. Don’t take me as naive here, I know this doesn’t mean everything is “fixed” and all will be hunky-dory, but more smiles and less meltdowns is a step in the right direction. I know that there will be good days and bad days, but I would love for my boy to experience the better half of that equation. The day that I told my son he had Asperger’s Syndrome, I told him that every one has strengths and every one has weaknesses. I explained to him that his strengths were numerous and that we would work together to make the weaknesses that troubled him less troublesome. It would take practice, time and patience, but he is capable of anything he puts his mind to, especially with us, his family, working with him. I want to be right about that and I certainly don’t want to let him down. Seeing him actually accept a situation that may not have had an outcome that he so desperately expected, is like lighting a candle in a dark room. It starts with a small seam of light, but quickly casts a beautiful and warming glow upon those who have been in the dark room awaiting the flame to banish the anxiety of what could be hidden by the darkness. His smile sparks and my son’s face lights up. I feel grateful to see him glow and relieved to see the dark turmoil lifted from him. It’s both comforting and rewarding to us all and without a doubt, smile worthy. So here's hoping for more sparks of smiles for him, and that we all bask in his glow.  

Day 8 Mile of Smiles

It was another easy going day. I love summer vacation, especially when we don’t have places to be everyday. 

Today’s highlight was that my husband was able to join us at my parent's home finally. What I really enjoyed was taking some time for each other. I know this may not sound like quality couple" time, but we took a nap on the couch together! I don’t think we’ve been able to do that in years! If either of us try to sleep during daylight hours, our kids have an uncanny ability to lose any form of self-reliance. I have also noticed that they feel the need to inform us of their every move, which is great in some ways, but I don’t need to know that they’re going to the bathroom to pee. It can be particularly grating on the nerves when it interrupts you from much needed beauty sleep and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason I have to dye my hair so often. 

After the nap and a family dinner, my husband and I took a nice little walk around the neighborhood. It was time spent together and I don’t think we talked about anything stressful. Not one thing! It was just time with one another, reminiscent of when we first started dating and walked for hours up and down the streets of our city. As we walked along the unfamiliar road tonight, observing the surroundings, I found myself smiling and laughing like the old days. Each step along the mile or so reminded me that this is a man I enjoy having by my side. 

The kids have been playing well together today, for the most part at least. I tucked them into bed and gave them Reiki treatments. Reiki is a Japanese form of healing that uses energy to provide relaxation and well being. If you’re not familiar with it, it can sound pretty crazy, but I’ve been a practitioner for a few years and have been amazed by it. While I don’t actively seek clients with my hectic schedule, I do provide treatments to my family. As part our anxiety reducing techniques, I thought I would include regular Reiki treatments into our routines. I am hoping to give treatments to the kids for just a few minutes at night. The kids like getting the treatments and they seem to enjoy it quite a bit before bed. We’ll have to see how I do with that commitment. I can’t see myself doing that nightly, but maybe I can get a few nights a week in. The problem is, I’m in such a need of that beauty sleep that I tend to nod off during their treatments! Oh well, some Reiki is better than none and I always feel so much better after giving a treatment. It really is good for each of us and will only lead to more smiles down the road.