Day 77 First Day of My Part Time Job

Today was bittersweet. I'm one of those moms that finds it hard to let my kids go. The first day of school is always rough for me, not for my kids, just me. This is a day about which they are both excited! Particularly, my daughter. My son is excited to see his friends, but the last few years have made his love for school wane a bit. But in general, they look forward to who's in their class, who will sit next to them, and all that jazz. As happy as that first day makes us, I'm sent into a flurry of emotions.

I knew when that first buzz from the alarm sounded, the next 10 months would become a stretched out question mark. How will each day be? Will my son be able to get out the door without the house becoming chaotic? Especially now that his sibling is getting ready for that same bus as well. Will my son get through his day without meltdowns and frustrations? Will I get calls from the teacher? How will his bus ride be? How much homework will he have and will I be able to get both kids to get their work done? Will it take hours and hours every day again? And that's just for my son! While my daughter has an easier time at school, I worry about her anxiety. Who knows when someone might get a boo boo and she begins to freak out?! Or what if a gnat flies by her desk? How will the teacher handle a child who won't allow herself to be near unexpected insects? I feel like I should've stuffed a fly swatter in her backpack with the Band-aids I put in there in case she or someone else begins to bleed.

Plus, I'm home alone now! What am I to do with myself now? I already do some work from home and I'll be trying to start a Reiki practice as well, but my life is being a mom. For 7 hours, 5 days a week, I'm a mom without kids. That's 35 hours a week! My full time mom career has become part time!

And why does it get cold here immediately when school starts? It was 80 degrees yesterday and now it's suddenly 61? I can't stand being cold and worse, it's raining! Wet, cold, childless! Oh the horror!

But like the thoughtful man that he is, my husband had planned to take the day off for the first day back to school, not just go in late. He also got me to the IMAX theater to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. I had resigned to the idea of eventually renting it and hanging my head in shame as being the only Potter fan that didn't see the finale in the theater! But now, I just get to own up to being the last Potter fan to see it in the theater instead... and I'm perfectly fine with that. It's as if he knew that I would need something to preoccupy my time today, to take the edge off. I may have been crying in the movie, but I was smiling internally knowing that I have a considerate husband.

I awaited outside (cold and raining, that's how much I couldn't wait for them) for them to get home a full 20 minutes earlier than they were expected. Would they get off the bus smiling? Yes, they did!! I asked how their day was and I heard a resounding "good" from them both. Then, my son went into a lengthy dissertation on Beyblades and how he needed more to join in with his friends... and I mean lengthy. Their happy little faces washed away all the worries of the day.

At least until that alarm tomorrow morning.

Day 75 A Clip of Bravery

After traveling 14 hours from South Carolina to New York over the last 2 days (2 hours getting across the George Washington Bridge alone), I'm finally home. But during that looonnng ride and our arrival home, I had a few moments that stood out to me as noteworthy, but I'm going to focus on my daughter's flash of irrational thinking.

My daughter had an anxiety meltdown about 13.5 hours into the trip (for a refresher about her anxiety see Day 42 Scooting Past Anxiety). She had a broken toenail that was barely hanging on, but unfortunately, was attached to the part of the toe where you can get ingrown nails. Ouch. But what concerned her was whether or not there would be blood if I clipped the nail off (for the record, she's never seen bleed from me clipping her nails before!).

This discussion (well, I discussed, she freaked out) began at the 12.5 hour of the trip and continued off and on until the end. "You cut it... no, I'll do it myself... Ohhh, I can't do it, you do it! But it'll hurt! I'll do it." She then tried to trim the nail herself and then lost the courage to continue, became frustrated and tearful.

She kept saying I didn't understand her and no matter what I said, I couldn't say the right thing. Especially when I told her she was brave. She disagreed with me vehemently! "Please stop saying that! I'm not brave!!" I, was surprised that she really said that actually, but she obviously felt it to be true.

I began to show her how brave she was. "You don't think you're brave? But you wouldn't jump in the pool like you did if you weren't brave! And would someone who isn't brave pick up starfish like you did? Or try to catch tadpoles, and fireflies? I think you're really brave!" Her damp little cheeks began to plump up, and she smiled widely, her blue eyes sparkling. She calmed down enough to let us wait until home to take care of the nail. Actually, I should sneak into her room now and clip that nail while she's sleeping.

I'm off to take care of stray nails, but know that I smiled just as intensely as she was while listening to my examples of her bravery. At one point during the end of our trip, I looked back at her to see her watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, wearing headphones, clipping her nails with the cute little red safety clippers, and actually smiling. She was laughing at Dopey. It was a beautiful scene, she looked happy and unconcerned. Those are the moments that make me smile, the moments when they learn to let it go.

Day 52 Awareness, Acceptance

I came across a video today that I found interesting, tearful, and yet smile-worthy. The video is by Alex Plank, an Aspergian, who runs Wrong Planet, an web community for those with autism or parents of autistic children. I have enjoyed watching their Austism Talk TV for a little while now, and today I saw this video. 

As I watched this, there were times when I completely agreed with those interviewed. Temple Grandin for one, and Alex Plank for that matter. Acceptance and understanding can really make a huge difference in these peoples’ lives. What really needs to be understood is that not all autism symptoms are bad. I happen to love that my son is an engineer. He always has been. He would build pulley systems across his room that would lift his toys and relocate them before he was four. He’s now moved onto unique Lego creations and inventions. 

One of those interviewed made the comment about how a diagnosis can sometimes make things worse or give it a negative connotation. I didn't find this to be true in my opinion. A diagnosis helped my son gain assistance in school. He's allowed to ask for breaks when he's overwhelmed, which he rarely does because he doesn't want to fall behind or miss anything. But he needs those breaks to help him control his frustrations. He gets special paper for writing assistance because that's one of his struggles. Social group, occupational therapy, tools to help him deal with overstimulating environments are all on his list of required assistance that he'll receive. Without a diagnosis, he wouldn't get it. Do I think it's right that he has to have a diagnosis to receive these tools? NO! I don't. Unfortunately, that's where the acceptance should be more widespread. Any child should be allowed to receive the tools they need to succeed without the bureaucracy required today. Not all children fit into a diagnosis and they are forced to fit into a rigid system. But that gets into taxes and such and we just don't have time for that today... besides, it's just depressing and this is supposed to be a smile log.

Now where were we? Oh yea...  If you gave us pill that made his autism go away, I don’t think we would ask him take it. Ultimately, it would come down to his decision, but I would like to see him succeed with his gifts despite his social issues and anxiety. I can’t and wouldn’t speak for others on the spectrum or parenting those on the spectrum, and I would understand how many may disagree with that. After all, there is such a wide range of severity. I’m not sure that I would feel the same way if, for instance, my son was non-verbal, completely overwhelmed by sights/sounds/touch to the point he would lose control of his reactions or even worse. 

I do feel that awareness needs to be widespread. My son has dealt with bullying from other children, a school psychologist who sat him down in front of the class and asked the peers to raise their hand if they liked him (not everyone did and those kids are the ones my son remembers), a teacher who increased his anxiety by being just as rigid as he was and preferred punishment over rewards, miscommunication during sporting events and so much more. Whenever there were issues at school that involved a he said she said scenario, my son told the truth whether it made his life harder or not. Other kids know how to lie and pass blame. It’s difficult to watch your son deal with such misunderstanding, cruelty and hardship. These experiences are why I wonder if my son would choose to rid himself of autism or not. I think he would gladly dismiss ADHD. I don’t think he’s ever felt a positive emotion from that. He has been happy in his Asperger world when he’s able to focus and create something of which he can be proud.

I know this post is a bit different from my usual posts, but I would gladly find happiness and smiles if more awareness made out there. So my smile today comes from just that... knowing that someone else will watch Alex’s video and maybe learn just a little bit more.

Day 43 Underwater Laughing

Can you do it? Can you laugh underwater? I, personally, have never attempted this! I have a bit of an anxiety (gee, wonder where my kids get their anxiety issues from) about swimming that I really try to hide from my kids. I happen to like having my feet on the bottom of the pool and I don’t go more than knee deep in the ocean or lakes (okay, the ocean/lake thing I don’t hide quite so well).  My nervousness prevents me from trying many things like handstands, underwater tea parties, and apparently, underwater laughing! 

At the pool today, I wanted to work on getting my kids more comfortable swimming with their faces in the water. Neither of my kids are strong swimmers. With my own anxiety aside, I wouldn’t trust either of them in to swim more than five feet, and my daughter seems to think that she’s forgotten how to swim entirely, despite the months of swimming lessons she’s received from trained professionals (for which we paid a lot of money, I might add). 

So after the kids had practiced swimming comfortably with their life jacket or boogie board, I was able to get my little not-so mermaid to shed the life jacket and give swimming a try. Oh, she was nervous! But she was trusting of me (that makes me smile) and found a comfortable step for footing. She checked her oh so important goggles for water tightness, she steadied her footing, she grabbed ahold of the railing with one, she eyed my distance from her and debated how far she thought she could manage. As she pushed away from the step, I could see the fear in her eyes, but you know what? She was smiling! She dove forward, kicked her legs and reached with her arms... she made it to me! Yay!! All smiles!

She was ready to try again! With steady footing, she prepared for the lunge. This time, she submerged her face and swam under water to me! Whoa! Where’d this come from? She began swimming back to the step and allowed me to go further and further out. She was definitely getting comfortable. 

During one of her dives, as she was swimming towards me, being a fish in her words, she apparently spied my son’s hiney (covered) through her goggles underwater. Having the typical sense of humor of a young child, she found this funny! And so she began to laugh! Underwater! I had no idea what was going on so I immediately pulled her up (water anxiety, remember?), but she was actually laughing! Not kidding! Laughing and smiling, even as I was pulling her from what I thought was a watery demise. Once I realized she was perfectly fine, I was smiling too, but reminded her that maybe underwater isn’t the place to start LOL’ing! 

Her progress, good humoredness and bravery (I'm still not about to try laughing underwater) was definitely smile worthy! 

Before anyone decides to pass judgement on me being afraid to go in the ocean, have you watched Shark Week yet? Um, case closed. I'll come up with an excuse for the lake later!

Day 42 Scooting Past Anxiety

My daughter is a cautious girl. She’s afraid to ride her bike because she fell last year. She won’t even consider riding on my son’s small four wheeler or motor bike, even with me or my husband driving it.  When she’s feeling adventurous, she’ll grab a scooter and baby step it along the driveway. Today, she was feeling adventurous apparently. 

I watched her scootin’ along the driveway at a speed that I’m pretty sure my grandma could beat, but hey, the more she pushed along, the more confidence she will gain. Ideally... But even with her dawdling pace, she managed to trip. 


Now, I don’t know much about calculating speed impact, but it always seemed to me that the faster an object is going when it hit a wall (or a driveway in this scenario), the harder the hit. The harder the hit, the more damage there is. If that rule holds true, then I’d hate to see what she would’ve looked like if she had been going faster. She managed to scrape up both knees, one knee in three places, scrape her elbow and and bruise her hip. I knew she was alright by the way she ambled over to us, but I could tell that this was going to be a situation.

I greeted her compassionately, trying to keep her calm. I knew that once she got sight of a little red, she would lose reason. I beckoned her to sit on my lap and I would give her Reiki. She sat down and before I could hover my hands above her knee (the worst one) she caught sight of the RED (we can’t say blood in this house). 


Her eyes widened, her hands tensed, she kicked her feet and began begging for a band-aid.  “Please, I need  a band-aid!! Just let me have a band-aid!! Please!!” 


I wanted to give her the band aid, believe me, but I also wanted her to settle down first -- take control of her anxiety. I assured her that I would give her the band-aid after I gave her Reiki, to which she reminded me that I could do it afterwards too. With that remark, she grinned... knowing she had me. How could I argue with that reasoning? I smiled with her and instead of caving, I asked her how many raspberry bushes did she think we had in our yard. I asked her to count them out loud. As she counted, I asked the Reiki to flow. She kept counting.. 13, 14, 16. “Wait, a minute! You forgot 15 again. Poor 15! You always skip poor 15.” And I was glad she decided to take this opportunity to argue this with me. Hey, she wasn’t screaming for a band-aid. She continued counting and I continued treating her with energy. 


She was calm, feeling less pain, and in control. 

I took her in to get the band-aid as promised, but she not once lost control of her senses again. As we found the perfect sized band-aid, she smiled and laughed with me. I couldn’t have been happier for her. She later took a peek behind the band-aid, and saw how much red was on the gauze. She simply covered it back up and continued on with her playing. Phew! I’m so glad she was able to act nonchalant about it although I knew it was bothering. She didn’t allow it to take her over again. For every one of her moments of success, even if she may not realize the success at the time, I smile a little brighter. I can see how far she’s coming and I couldn’t be happier! Now, I've just got to get her back onto that scooter... I see elbow and knee pads in our future.

Day 37 On Track

My kids had their track meet to end the summer session tonight and this day has become a big deal at my house. They worked hard to get to this point, meeting twice a week through the month of July totaling about 12 hours of running around the track and playing games. The astounding part to me was how much they smiled through it all. I would expect to see the kids smiling through the games. They’re fun. And I guess that I really shouldn’t have been amazed by the smiles during the laps, not with the coaches and group of young assistants that guided them along. As kids padded by on the track, you would hear the staff running right there with them, encouraging them every step of the way, asking if they could join the kids, telling them how amazing they are doing and never a negative comment was spoken.  

When you’re the mom of a child that struggles with his self-esteem, you try with all your heart to just not cry when see someone go above and beyond to make him feel good about himself. Honestly, I was usually successful, but there were times when I was thankful to have my sunshades to hide behind. I really was taken aback by the sincerity of every single individual that gave their time to be at the track for these kids. I watched as a young lady ran with my son and talked with him for six straight laps. I saw my son light up when he was included as a helper. Too often I have seen him walk away from situations because he felt as though he didn’t fit in, but he always walked away from the track feeling like he belonged. To hear multiple staffers say “Way to go, Alex!” when he received his medal brought a smile to his face and filled me up with pure happiness. He felt successful. What more could a mom want out of life?

Now, speaking of astounding, I have to give my daughter a big you go girl for not only running, but for getting past a fall as well. This little girl, who’s been having anxiety over blood and freaking out every time she got the slightest scrape or paper cut, fell on the track, landing on her knee and scraping her elbow. She didn’t get off the track! She didn’t come crying for a band-aid and better than that, she didn’t come close to passing out! This is the girl that had to be taken off the school bus early once because she thought she was going to throw up when a classmate picked a scab. I honestly thought she was going to faint! When she finished her laps, she calmly showed me her scrape and stated that it hurt. Whoa! She not once complained to me while she was running. I had no idea that she had even fallen until the meet was over. I was proud of her already when she crossed the finish line after running over two miles, but when I saw that she did it without letting a scrape knock her out of the run, I was thrilled! How could this be the same girl that screamed bloody murder over a tiny paper cut?! I asked her about the fall and she said she just got up and kept on going. She said a few people asked if she was ok and if she needed help, but she told them she was ok. Oh, I was so proud of her!

You know, we go round and round this life, and hit many hurtles. If we had more people encouraging us like the coaches and assistants at the track, we would succeed far more than we could ever imagine. So often, on past track days, I ran with my kids. This year, I watched from the side lines to let them do this for themselves because I knew what good hands they were in. I am thankful for all that my children accomplished this month, for all the encouragement they received throughout it all, and simply for being their mom. After an event like today’s, I can’t help but feel that not only were my kids on the right track, but so was I... and so was my conquest. The smiles were endless... for all of us!

Day 16 Reflection of Smiles

A list of the moments that made me smile today--

When I dropped my son off for tutoring, he got out of the car and walked towards the door, but turned with a smile and gave me an enthusiastic wave just before he walked inside. 

When I picked my son up from tutoring, he beamed with pride to show me his new reward, a plastic snake. I've since put that snake away three times, but it seems to find a way of slithering its way back out. 

My friends had a baby today, mom and baby are doing well. How wonderful is that?!


At the store, my daughter picked out what she thought her friend would want for the birthday party instead of picking out what she would want for herself. 

At lunch, my kids didn’t bicker with one another at all and they even shared croutons and sunflower seeds.

While at home, my kids got in trouble for being too rough with each other and they were sent to their room (not smile-worthy). After about two minutes, I could hear them laughing with each other and  I let them have their fun instead of cracking down on quiet time.

At the track tonight, I saw my son enjoying his run, win ribbons and receive high-fives from his coaches. As he was racing down the 100 meter, I was cheering him on and he looked over and smiled at me. 

My daughter enjoyed her run too, received ribbons and stars, told me all about the game Duck Duck Ice and was completely embarrassed by my cheering her on during her 100 meter race.

The humor that passes between three ladies making their way around a track and cheering on their children, whether the children like it or not, can be very smile inducing!

Returning home to find that dinner was done already by husband! Woot Woot!

Out of nowhere, my daughter looks at me and says “I love you, Mommy.” She then asked for a hug and smiled sweetly as she received my love in return. 

I read bedtime stories to my kids. My girl practiced using her sight words and sounding out words she didn’t know without getting frustrated. My son is reading one of my childhood favorites and I was happy to read a chapter to him.

Just before going to bed, my son told me about all the good things he liked about the day.

It was a busy and exhausting day, but after looking back upon it, I see that it was a good day. I enjoyed the time spent with my kids and my friends. I now need to sit back and relax a little with my husband. I know he cooked today, but maybe I can still squeeze a neck rub out of him. That sounds very smile inducing as well! Oh, and if you’re wondering what Duck Duck Ice is, it’s the same as Duck Duck Goose, except that you slip a piece of ice onto the person that will chase you. Perfect fun on such a hot day and it gave many children laughter and smiles and many parents enjoyed watching the kids squeal in delight! I got a few smiles out of that too. Now, to find my husband...

Day 15 Rx Smile

I have to be completely honest here. Today wasn’t a great day. It wasn’t a horrible day either. I just felt irritated all day and there was no getting out of it. It didn’t start out that way, but the aggravation kept building much like my son’s LEGO toys. Why, you ask? My children have But-I Syndrome. Never heard of it? Allow me to explain. But-I Syndrome is a pediatric condition where the child responds to any and all parental request with the words “but I...” and is occasionally accompanied with stomping, hair pulling, jaw and fist clenching, and slamming doors, . It is contagious among siblings, leads to exhaustion of parents, all of which often seems incurable. My daughter had a bad case of the dreaded disorder today.

My daughter had a play date today. I was reminded of this the second I got up this morning because my daughter was already in her bathing suit, ready for the friend’s inflatable water slide. She began preparing her backpack with what she felt was necessary for this get together. Unfortunately, she packs like my husband (See Day 14 Packing a Smile) and we disagreed upon what was needed. I don’t feel that she should bring more than a change of clothes, towel, sunblock and water bottle. I explained this to her as she was trying to cram in fancy dress-up clothes, stuffed animals, a crown, sunglasses, toy glasses, dress-up shoes, and jewelry. “But I need to bring them!!” she says to me. My poor floors, I feel badly that they get stomped on like they do, but they’ve got it easy compared to the door jams. I packed the bag with what I felt was appropriate and added sunglasses, crown and one stuffed animal as a compromise after she came to her senses (threats of missing play dates can bring about a miraculous change in the condition) and realized that the more she brought, the more she was likely to accidentally leave behind.

When it was time to pick up my ill child from the play date, I knew that her affliction would rear its ugly head again. “But I don’t want to go yet! I was having fun!!” My lovely daughter left the play date with a furrowed brow, another symptom of the sickness, with everything except the stuffed animal that was misplaced somewhere. 

At the store, we had another terrible episode of But-I Syndrome. I know, I should have put the ailing child on bed rest, but the shopping had to be done. As soon as we get inside, it all begins. My daughter is pushing my son aside so she can be in front of him. He starts telling on her. I ask her to stop shoving him to be next in line. “But I don’t want to be last!!” This is when my son began showing that he had caught this heinous disease. “But I don’t want to be pushed!” he says. At this point, I’ve made it clear that there is no shoving, bickering or arguing and we will walk side by side instead of in a line. That’s right, we’ll take up the entire aisle if we have to, but no shoving to be next in line or you’ll lose reward points! Well, that led to more bickering some how. “But I am trying to walk like you said and now he’s trying to get me in trouble by making me get in front of him!” Bed rest, there needs to be bed rest. For me or her? At that point, I wasn't sure which yet.

That is just a sample of the day in the life of parent caring for a child with But-I Syndrome. The disorder spread through out both children and progressively worsened through out the day. Earlier, I mentioned that the symptoms often seems incurable. For the most part, that does seem to be the case. On this particular evening, I was able to find relief. I was grateful to have my husband. He swooped him, gave the kids a chore, read them books and got them all set for bed. I never even had to ask for help. He knew my jump-rope (See Day 11 Short Ropes) was nearing its plastic handled end. I smiled when I heard him reading and counting with my daughter. I beamed when my girl counted the apples in the book and didn’t skip the number 15 for the first time! I loved seeing my son reading with my husband and actually smiling his way to sleep. While more research is needed, it would seem like a cure for But-I Syndrome lies within reach. Parental team work will be needed and along with rest and relaxation. Soon after, smiles with follow, much like tonight.

Day 14 Packing a Smile

I woke up on my own this morning! I opened my eyes and didn’t hear bickering. At that moment, I listened for the voices of angels singing and harps being strummed because it felt that heavenly! I looked to my side and my husband wasn’t there. I don’t think he’s gotten out of bed before me more than 10 times in our whole marriage so I was little surprised. I got dressed and headed downstairs and that’s about where the euphoria I felt began to dissipate. 

I wanted to get an early start today because we needed to return home in time for a sporting event for my kids. My husband needed to make repairs to his computer so he went to the shop with my son in tow. I started packing the car. Please understand that my husband and I disagree about what should be brought along when we go to my parents’ home for a visit. I know that if I want to exercise, I just need my sneakers. He seems to think we need every weight and workout tool known to man. He brings 4 fishing poles because there is a slight chance that he may go fishing. I know I’m not going fishing and neither is my daughter, and that his fishing buddy is out of town, so it would seem excessive to me. I could go on, but I’ll spare you. In short, I pack light, he packs tonnage. The problem wasn’t the overload of essentials/non-essentials, it was that I was being ignored. I had specifically said we didn’t need all that equipment before I went out of town. I had specifically said I wanted to leave early, and due to the dent in the computer that needed to be fixed immediately for some reason, I was leaving late. This form of inattention occurs frequently enough to drive me batty. I feel like yelling “Hello? Are you hearing me?” I was boiling over, but I thankfully had a lengthy car ride to ease me out of it. 


I ended up getting home with 30 minutes to get the kids and myself ready for the track. I got it done and I didn’t lose my cool as we were heading out the door, so that felt pretty good. We got there just in time to sign in and disperse, which led to a few smiles around the track. I enjoyed seeing my son get picked as a helper and watching both my kids run the track with pride and motivation. The bonus for me at the track was that I ran with a friend and had a conversation with someone who wasn’t still in elementary school or a relative. That doesn’t happen often enough, so I appreciate when it happens. Another great thing about this evening? I barely had to unpack that conglomeration of vital tackle and training gear, so I was thrilled! You know what you need to pack for a smile? Just a good thought! I do like packing light and memories take up absolutely no trunk space!

Day 13 Painted Smiles

I’m in the parking lot of a grocery store, peering into the trunk of my car. I really do attempt to prepare myself for any occasion by stocking my car with anything I can imagine that could come in handy! Need a place to sit while visiting a playground? I’ve got blankets for that. Does someone want to play baseball while out and about? I’ve got a bat and whiffle balls just for the occasion and a football if you change your mind. Oooh, paper cut? Yessirree Bob, I’ve got a first aid kit. Umbrellas, games, fishing gear, shoes, clothes and more, it’s all back there and usually fairly neatly stored. 


Today, I needed items to preoccupy the kids while waiting for the fireworks display. I’ve shoved glow sticks, sweaters, and balls in my bag, clutched blankets and a cute little fairy fold up chair and start off towards the fields. Wait, headphones! “Don’t close the trunk!” I grab headphones and turn away back towards the fields. Oh, you know what, I’ve got face paint! Yep, I have face paint in my trunk. What, you don’t?. “Open the trunk again!” After I’ve shoved the palette of  perfectly pretty pastels into my handbag, And I’m off to see the fireworks, for real this time. 


As I’m carrying this load across the parking lot to my awaiting family, I begin to feel burdened. Literally, I’m carrying quite a bit here. I’ve got the tinker fairy’s chair banging against one leg, my over flowing handbag falling off my shoulder, a blanket unravelling and I’m trying to keep my tied sweater from sliding off my waist. I picture that Breathe and Flow jump rope with a new notch in it and decide to use the mantra. I take a big, belly filling breath and release. I wasn’t exactly shocked to feel calmer or better, but I was surprised where my brain took me in that breath. I thought “What a great moment this night will be! Don’t forget any of it!” I was right. It was a fun, easy going evening, and I loved it all!

There were countless smile moments! We set out our blankets, I got out the face paint. My moxie-filled diva of a daughter sat in front of me and we began the artwork. I started one on her and she moved on to decorating me. We had a blast adding flowers, butterflies, angels and mom “tattoos” to our canvas of skin. 

Up walks more family and friends and what’s not to do, but smile! My son was in a great mood almost all day and it continued into the late night. Even almost throwing a football up an innocent bystanders behind by accident didn’t make him upset. And there’s nothing like cheap plastic light up toys to make a child smile either! The fireworks began, my daughter wore her headphones and listened to music to keep from having to cover her ears from the booms, and we all gathered closer to watch the spectacular event. It was stress free. We were all happy in that moment. The fireworks were great, but the moment was enlivening! It was a great evening and I will do everything I can to try and remember it all. And hey, now that I see how I look with multiple colorful tattoos up and down my arms, maybe I’ll design a real one to remember the evening. Maybe a few fireworks on the upper arm. Heh, well it was just a thought and even that one made me smile again! 

Day 12 Feathers and Family

I have begun to realize that my wardrobe has gotten stale. I’ve lost a bit of playfulness in my fashion right along with that smile for which I’m searching. Somewhere along my life's path, I substituted animal print flats for comfy sandals. Oh, I still love my big brown boots and can’t get enough of them, but I’ve lost the glitzier side of my wardrobe. I don’t buy a lot of clothing, so I tend buy easy wear clothes and a few items that have that extra bit of design to them. That’s why I love handbags so! I can add a punch of color or pizazz to any plain outfit with my handbag. Unfortunately, I have somewhat expensive tastes when it comes to those carriers of necessities and not so necessities and I can’t just go out and get a new one any time I would like to do so. I have forgotten all about the other types of accessories though! 

Today, I came across a headband that I never would have had the guts to buy before. A cute feathery piece with a band that almost disappears once placed upon my head. The subdued purple and hint of turquoise smiled to me and I had to have it. The hair piece is most certainly unique next to the rest of my hair accessories which consist of black hair bands and tortoise shell clips. Doesn’t get much more boring than that! I definitely felt doubt about the purchase, wondering would I actually wear it, but I got it any way and wore it immediately! I felt more youthful and whimsical! A portable  fountain of youth that brightened the eyes, and I can’t wait to wear it again! It may seem silly that I can feel this way over a headband, and I can’t fully explain it, but I just felt livelier! That’s enough for me. 

And where did I wear this feathery goodness? To my sister’s new home for a barbecue! I loved being there and seeing how happy she is in her comfortable abode, with a fellow who treats her well and all the possibilities that lay ahead for her. The kids had a good time coaxing me and multiple other people to play tag and baseball with them and everyone enjoyed the afternoon out. That’s right, I was pitching whiffle balls with feathers in my hair! I had a good time along with everyone else and I hope we have many more gatherings just like that for years to come. My sister’s happiness and her sharing her home with us all made for an evening filled with smiles! I wanted to soak up every moment of it and hold on to it for as long as possible. These events are too few to take them for granted. When I wear my purple feathers, I will smile thinking of my sister’s gathering and my poor pitching skills that didn’t hamper my son from cracking apart every ball. I will remember my daughter’s eager laughter during stuffed animal tag. I don’t think this headband will be shut away in a closet with the rest of my hair ties. This one will remain close by and visible so I can be reminded as often as possible of my good time with family, and a smile can be brought back to me once more. 

Day 11 Short Ropes

Remember that “Breathe and Flow” mantra from Day 5? Yes, well I forgot it today. Today wasn’t a continuation of the lazy days from before. We went outlet mall shopping and then returned home to a truck load of mulch in my parents’ driveway. My father and my son were already hard at work filling a wagon and dispersing the mulch and my son was loving it. I joined right in. No need to work out tonight! I am not known to be an outdoorsy type of person and it is not my favorite place to work either. Sure, I like sitting on the deck and reading a book, but that’s about where it ends. That being said, I enjoyed the hard work. It felt good to lend a  hand for my parents when they so regularly give and never ask for anything in return. All of that went well. Clean up was another story...

By this point, I’m tired and hungry. I left my son with instructions to take a shower and that didn’t happen. Even after walking him to the shower later, we still had to keep reminding him to get out. I should have just let it go, but it is one of those things that just irk me now. Why can’t he just wash his hair, wash his body and get out? Of course rinse hair and body too, believe me, I have to remind him of that as well. I should have just repeated “breath and flow” to myself when I was feeling irritated and I didn’t. I had to make my point and frustrate the situation further by counting down to him and shouting through the door that it’s time to get out now. Why didn’t I just walk away? Because I was frustrated already. I felt the build up of many small stressors throughout the day and allowed them to culminate into that very moment, a moment where, once again, some body didn’t listen to me and I felt the proverbial end of my rope slip away. Terrible terrible terrible! I have got to breathe and flow. I’m going to picture a long sisal rope. No, a jump rope like the ones from grade school! That's a more colorful and playful kind of rope. Stamped on the rope will be the mantra “breathe and flow”. I need to take that rope and mentally create notches in it through out the day at times that I’m feeling stressed so I can see when the end is coming and learn to avoid meltdowns at the end of the day.  I will practice more! I will practice with smaller situations and bigger situations. I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them. My jump rope will remind me to play more and stress less and allow me to see when I’ve reached a limit of stressful situations. Yep, that's what I'll do. Gotta love a plan!

On a more spirited note, I will say that seeing my son wave to me as we pulled into the driveway today was one of my biggest smile provoking moments. I loved seeing him brighten up when we arrived and run to meet us so he could tell us how hard he’s been working. Another big smile moment would be from my daughter. Miss priss was completely against the idea of working. “I’m in my best dress!” she declared when asked to join in. She eventually came out and got into the thick of it, even spreading mulch with her bare hands! The little insectophobe was out there shoveling, getting dirty and plucking weeds, well not the weeds with bugs on them, but she plucked a few. Her pride shone through and it made me happy to see her thrilled with herself. My kids are great source of my happiness and I need to focus more on that at times. I need to take more time to be happy with them and not just the dictator that gives orders. More playtime is needed and more smiles will come... maybe we’ll go jump rope together!

Day 10 Monster Smile

It feels so good to be lazy!! I took time to sit in the warm sun and read, put together a puzzle with my mother and take a walk with my husband. A girl can get used to this! While there wasn’t much happening today that I would really find worthy to share, there was one funny moment that made me smile...

My son arrived home this afternoon and decided to watch television. He’s a bit of a gear-head usually and apparently, I have an internal limit to how much I can withstand shows that review cars, auction cars, restore cars, build cars, wreck cars and etcetera, so much so that I am willing to watch just about anything else. And that is why I didn’t protest when he came across a show about searching for a loch ness type of monster. This show went off and he seemed to enjoy it. Afterwards, a new show about a chupacabra monster came on. I could tell that this particular show had a very intense, yellow journalism feel to it and I asked my son if he was sure he wanted to watch this. “Of course, I do!” he says. I figured I would just see what happens. I really don’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than necessary.  As the show continues, it became a bit too realistic to me and so I said that he should probably turn the channel if it’s bothering him. He changes it alright, but then he becomes weepy and upset--How will he know what happens now? I told him that I was giving him the choice to change it or not, but that I didn’t want the show to be upsetting to him. He leaps for the remote and turns the channel back to the chupacabra. I’m watching him carefully when suddenly the chupacabra jumps out into the scene! He sits bolt upright, mouth gaping, eyes big as saucers and looks to me. “I’m changing the channel. It’s freakin’ me out!” I may be back to watching how a car is made with robots in a factory, but at least I know that my son was able to handle the surprise monster attack. If he hadn’t turned the channel back, we would have had a long battle about a tv show. Instead, he watched more than I would have liked, but it didn’t hurt him. He made the decision to change the channel and now he understands why I warned him about it. After he changed the station, he was perfectly fine. I will not always allow him to make the decision, but this is one I can live with. There are a lot of real life monster moments that I won’t be there to warn him about and I want him to learn to handle those big decisions on his own when the time comes.

Not only did I have a bit of laugh to myself when he jumped out of his skin (it was pretty funny), but I can smile knowing he’s gotten one monster under his belt. Take that chupacabra!

Day 9 Cast a Smile

I am noticing some changes around here. I almost don’t want to reflect on our case of good humoredness in fear of completely jinxing our way back into freak-out land. Maybe it is all due to our vacation and taking a break from all scheduling, but I would like to think that it is in part due to me taking time to adjust my way of seeing things, at least attempting to make adjustments. I feel as though it may be rubbing off onto my son. As much as I would love to believe that, I can't say that I do completely. I know I'm smiling more and am more content in general. I have seen the same from him. 

I have noticed my son beginning to get frustrated and with a quick reminder, he is able to turn his emotions around. I’ve watched him smile more even in situations that I would have expected him to become serious and upset. Regardless of why, to see him smile abundantly is a conquest that I have long sought after through advice, books, therapists, doctors, and more before I ever considered my own happiness. I want nothing more than to see him light up and enjoy his life. Don’t take me as naive here, I know this doesn’t mean everything is “fixed” and all will be hunky-dory, but more smiles and less meltdowns is a step in the right direction. I know that there will be good days and bad days, but I would love for my boy to experience the better half of that equation. The day that I told my son he had Asperger’s Syndrome, I told him that every one has strengths and every one has weaknesses. I explained to him that his strengths were numerous and that we would work together to make the weaknesses that troubled him less troublesome. It would take practice, time and patience, but he is capable of anything he puts his mind to, especially with us, his family, working with him. I want to be right about that and I certainly don’t want to let him down. Seeing him actually accept a situation that may not have had an outcome that he so desperately expected, is like lighting a candle in a dark room. It starts with a small seam of light, but quickly casts a beautiful and warming glow upon those who have been in the dark room awaiting the flame to banish the anxiety of what could be hidden by the darkness. His smile sparks and my son’s face lights up. I feel grateful to see him glow and relieved to see the dark turmoil lifted from him. It’s both comforting and rewarding to us all and without a doubt, smile worthy. So here's hoping for more sparks of smiles for him, and that we all bask in his glow.  

Day 8 Mile of Smiles

It was another easy going day. I love summer vacation, especially when we don’t have places to be everyday. 

Today’s highlight was that my husband was able to join us at my parent's home finally. What I really enjoyed was taking some time for each other. I know this may not sound like quality couple" time, but we took a nap on the couch together! I don’t think we’ve been able to do that in years! If either of us try to sleep during daylight hours, our kids have an uncanny ability to lose any form of self-reliance. I have also noticed that they feel the need to inform us of their every move, which is great in some ways, but I don’t need to know that they’re going to the bathroom to pee. It can be particularly grating on the nerves when it interrupts you from much needed beauty sleep and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason I have to dye my hair so often. 

After the nap and a family dinner, my husband and I took a nice little walk around the neighborhood. It was time spent together and I don’t think we talked about anything stressful. Not one thing! It was just time with one another, reminiscent of when we first started dating and walked for hours up and down the streets of our city. As we walked along the unfamiliar road tonight, observing the surroundings, I found myself smiling and laughing like the old days. Each step along the mile or so reminded me that this is a man I enjoy having by my side. 

The kids have been playing well together today, for the most part at least. I tucked them into bed and gave them Reiki treatments. Reiki is a Japanese form of healing that uses energy to provide relaxation and well being. If you’re not familiar with it, it can sound pretty crazy, but I’ve been a practitioner for a few years and have been amazed by it. While I don’t actively seek clients with my hectic schedule, I do provide treatments to my family. As part our anxiety reducing techniques, I thought I would include regular Reiki treatments into our routines. I am hoping to give treatments to the kids for just a few minutes at night. The kids like getting the treatments and they seem to enjoy it quite a bit before bed. We’ll have to see how I do with that commitment. I can’t see myself doing that nightly, but maybe I can get a few nights a week in. The problem is, I’m in such a need of that beauty sleep that I tend to nod off during their treatments! Oh well, some Reiki is better than none and I always feel so much better after giving a treatment. It really is good for each of us and will only lead to more smiles down the road. 

Day 7 A week later...

I am happy to report that this was a very easy going and relaxing day! I got not one, but two workouts in and I always feel better when I am in an exercise routine. The kids were both in exceptional moods and I really didn’t have any meltdowns or spastic episodes to work around. It truly was a lovely day! Maybe this last week of seizing smiles has made a difference already...

The best part of the day was just a few minutes ago. While getting a load of laundry together, I asked my son to help out. He was in a chatty mood and talking about some television show he saw displayed on the channel guide called “1000 Ways to Die”. None of us have seen this show, but it got my son thinking. “Mom, I know 20 ways to die!” he says enthusiastically. Well, I’d rather not get into that discussion! Who knows where that will lead us and whether or not it will end in a meltdown when he realizes he’s talking about the sensitive subject of death. That topic has landed us into major emotional collapses.  I decided to divert the conversation without making it seem like a bad topic. I have to be careful about how I do this because I don’t want him interpreting my diversion as me saying that he’s thinking of bad things. He’ll feel guilty and we could be in the throws of a meltdown again over something not really important. As he helped me by catching the clothes I dropped going down the stairs, I said “I would love to know 20 ways to make you smile.” I ended up hearing 24 things! He smiled the whole time while he kept count of the items. I loved hearing everything he said even though I wasn’t surprised by any of the of them and for once I wasn’t having to hear about building some massive contraption, car, or tree house over and over. I loved every minute of it and having my son by my side during laundry duty didn’t make it feel like such a chore. I just might have to incorporate him into this duty more often. So thank you to my amazing son for supplying me with another smile worthy moment by smiling himself! I love ya kid!

Day 6 Pinstripes

Alice Cooper said it best with “No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks” from his “School’s Out” song. Yes, I know that rhyme wasn’t coined by him, but I sure feel like Alice Cooper by the time school winds down... It’s our first school free Monday of the summer and I couldn’t be happier! Despite the fact that my son is waking up over an hour earlier than I could normally drag him out of bed on school mornings, I was thrilled not to have to remind him to take his vitamins, and actually chew his food only to barely get out the door before the bus passes because I’ve been begging him to stop staring at the mirror for five minutes instead of brushing his teeth. It was a pretty great morning. I enjoyed lounging around free of stress and sipping my coffee while the kids peacefully meandered their way through their morning. That was down right awesome. I didn’t even get dressed until sometime after 10:00, or was it 11:00?! There was internal smiling going on this morning!

There were some up and down moments this afternoon with my son. Our routine is way off since we are out of town visiting my family and he spent most of the day out at my father’s business, a collision center. He loves it there because he has his own tools and being the car fanatic and engineer that he his, he feels like he’s at home. The problem is, it gets a bit overstimulating for him and unstructured so it can bring about little emotional meltdowns like he had today. If he goes back tomorrow, I’ll make sure he has a project to work on and a Plan B project in case he needs it. But after a long day at the shop, he wanted to ride his ATV which happened to be out of gas. Another meltdown. Ughh!! I tried to divert the mood swing by telling him to use his trailer for something. Something went wrong again. Another meltdown. UGHHH!! Okay, so maybe it’s time for him to go in, shower and relax. As he’s taking the trailer into the garage, he was distracted by his emotions and he side swiped my car’s bumper with the wagon. DOUBLE UGHHH!! Now, I’ve got green stripes on my bumper. Not so smile-worthy, but I sent him in to shower instead of losing my top, and I continued a soccer game with my daughter. That’s right... the little diva played soccer! This is the same little girl that I once asked if she wanted to join the soccer team and she replied “You mean, you want me to kick a ball?! No thanks!” So I was pretty thrilled when she got out there in the grass among the terrifying bugs and actively kicked my behind (she cheats). She was hilarious with her rules such as “using hands are ok” and “wear sunscreen” so I had quite a few laughs. Once my son showered, he apologized for my new unintentional pinstripes and offered to paint my bumper. All ended well and we’re all settling in for the night with smiles instead of tears. I guess my son’s projects for tomorrow will be buffing the stripes out of my bumper. Two problems solved already and I have another reason to smile!

Day 5 The Roller Coaster Day

It was certainly a hectic day today and I while I had my fair share of smile worthy moments, I also had a missed opportunity. Hey, I knew it would happen. I’m going to spend a moment to reflect on the rougher episode, or smile miss, before I share my more pleasurable moments. 

My 6 year old needed to get ready for her dance recital today so there was hair and nails, glitz and glamour to be done by 0900 hours. Why military time? Because I wish I were that organized! If I had been, I wouldn’t have missed my opportunity to seize a smile instead of losing my cool. I was feeling the stress and when it was time to motivate my son into getting ready, I failed miserably. Everything I wanted him to do was met with confrontation and instead of handling the situation with grace and dignity, I worsened the interaction by intensifying my own reactions. I should have taken a deep breathe and walked away momentarily. I was rushing and at the time it seemed imperative that we leave at the predetermined time set forth by me and supported by my husband. Looking back, we got to the auditorium early and then had to wait around more because the staff was late taking the girls. Why couldn’t I have just given him more time? I’m always telling him “we just have to go with the flow”, but I really feel like I shouldn’t be dishing out that advice if I can’t take it myself. I really need to work on that! That will become a priority! So one last recap of what I’ve learned here and then I’ll allow myself to move on... When the moment seems incredibly rushed and overwhelming, take a moment to breathe and go with the flow. It certainly won’t hurt nearly as much as the guilt of losing my cool. New mantra: Breathe and Flow! Duly noted.

Now on to the happier moments, otherwise I’ll fester on the aforementioned missed opportunity. The recital was another proud moment, much like yesterday! My lovely daughter did a fantastic job and I was thrilled to be there for her. I cheered, I cried and pretended to have something in my eye, and beamed from pride. I was also glad that she didn’t fall off the stage which she nervously told me yesterday she feared might happened, so that’s a bonus! Plus, my son only told me he was hungry for a snack about 18 times (thank you conveniently located table of goodies). Overall, the recital was an amazing time.

I also was thrilled to be heading out to my parents’ home for a long week. My blog is a little late due to traveling, but that’s ok because I’ll just go with the flow, no rush (breathe and flow). I thoroughly enjoyed singing along with tunes during the car ride despite the presence of passengers. I’m sure they would have rather I didn’t belt out my favorites, but since I was driving I figured it would be fine and they would survive. Besides, the children had headphones so I think major mental and emotional trauma from embarrassment was averted. At least that’s what I’ll tell the therapist when they’re older, that they were properly prepared for my joviality. Once home, I delighted in seeing my sister’s new home she’s buying and then had a fun, butt-kicking workout with my dad. There’s nothing funnier than seeing me try to stay balanced while doing three direction kicks which means that my father must have had a good internal laugh at that as well. I’m feeling pretty good now. I can expect to make mistakes, but I’ll also learn from them. Eventually, I’ll be breathing flowing myself into more and more smile moments despite the infractions just like today. Not every day is perfect, but they can still end in smiles.

Day 4 Proud and Proven Smile

I was born on a Tuesday, but I was not born full of grace as the old poem goes. Unfortunately for my little girl, she wasn’t blessed with grace either. She’s been in dance lessons for two years now and we continue with it because she enjoys it. She’s a kid after all, so as long as she’s enjoying it, who cares if she goofs around a little. She spent most of her time playing and never seemed to really get the hang of the dance routine. That’s how it was the first year of lessons and that seemed to be the way of it during the second year. So I was expecting the same type of behavior at her recital rehearsal today.

When we got to the auditorium, she turned to me and said, “I don’t feel good mom. My throat feels funny.” That told me that she was nervous and her anxiety was high. So I walked her over to her friend and she started to perk up. The rehearsals began and I sat in the dark room awaiting the curtain to part. I was anxious to see her dances as I had yet to see a whole routine. The moms were banned from the lesson room due to space and distractions, which was a total nuisance to me. I didn’t enjoy being banished to a narrow waiting room teeming with other moms, children and dancers jostling and jockeying for prime positions while one dance room tried to outdo the other with their loud music. There wasn’t much opportunity to see the girls practicing so I was both literally and figuratively left in the dark on rehearsal day. Well the curtain opened and there she was. Looking so much taller than I remembered her being just minutes ago. She wore a determined expression as well. She meant to do this right and do her best. And she did! She may not have been completely perfect, but she blew me away! I couldn’t believe that was my daughter up there! She amazed me during both dances and I couldn’t wait to tell her how proud she had made me. I didn’t care if she did everything perfect or not, but to see her commit to the routines that she had deemed as play time and to do so under nervous pressure took me by surprise. I was so thrilled to see her when she got off the stage and when she saw me she was beaming! We looked at each other and lit up inside! I loved every minute of it! It made every claustrophobic waiting room moment more than worth it.  So much so, that we’ll be doing it all again next year. I’ll just have to hold onto today’s proud smile-worthy moment. If you see a woman grinning from ear to ear in a tight space with too many people in it while being bombarded with “Whip My Hair” and “Evacuate the Dance Floor” at the same time over and over and over again... you’ll know it’s me and you’ll know why! My inner thoughts are on my sweet girl proving to herself that she can do whatever she sets her mind to and how I lucky I was to be there for it.

Day 3- Realizing What Makes Me Smile

Today, I began listening to an anxiety reducing program. Why? Because my daughter has suddenly started losing her mind over bugs and blood. If she sees bugs, she completely freaks out and has tried jumping out of her booster seat. Thankfully, this hasn’t happened while I was actually driving yet, but I’m not sure how long that record will last. The last time she saw blood, she turned completely white, broke out into a full body sweat and made it clear that she would throw up. She kept yelling “Aaaacckk, aaacckk!” Now, I don’t even want to think about what will happen if both of those fears were to happen at the same time! We’d need a Xanax... not for her, for me! She’s scaring the holy out of me every time it happens because there is definite screaming going on. Everything is fine, then all of sudden, someone lets loose a banshee and I turn to see that the banshee is in fact, my daughter. Yikes!

So back to the anxiety program... Part of what I needed to do in order to teach my daughter how to handle her anxiety, is to look at myself. The author asked for the parent to spend 10 minutes writing down what makes him/her feel bad. After a full 10 minutes, I came up with this list of horrid things:

Cooking, cooking, cooking x 1,000,000

Putting away leftovers

Always having to be on the go 

Homework (my kids’)

Rushing around

Grocery shopping

The kids bickering

Not being around my family & friends ( we moved away from my close family/friends 5 years ago)

Tantrums

Spider veins

Balancing the bank accounts

Tight spaces/Crowded spaces

Being interrupted when I'm on the phone

Messy rooms

Gardening/Lawn care-- All maintenance in general really

Feeling like I have to do it all

Cold weather or rainy weather, cold & rainy weather is even worse!

Waiting for the school bus in the cold, rainy, cold & rainy weather

Now that I’ve accomplished reminding myself of all the yucky things, I’ve determined that all of that makes me hurt in my back, neck and shoulders. Well, wasn’t that a fun thing to find out. On to the good stuff! What makes me feel good? I was pleasantly surprised to find these thoughts really flowing out! Here’s what I jotted down in 10 minutes:

Watching movies with the kids

Reading to the kids

Handbags

Alone time with husband

Beach vacations

Playing board games as a family

Playing Rock Band with my son

Batting in the backyard with the kids

Photography

Crochet

Beach vacations

Our pets (or small petting zoo if you were to ask my husband)

Backyard campfires with Reese’s s’mores

Holidays/holiday shopping

Being with my family

Reading

Waking up and seeing my wall of goodies the kids gave me

Fishing with husband

Beach vacations

Laying on the couch, watching our shows with husband

When my husband cooks... I love that!

My dogs! And how they follow me around unless there’s food around elsewhere

Back rubs and I get a daily hug from husband that is actually an attempt to crack my back-- it’s a blessing really!

Going out with friends

Reiki (I’m a practitioner)

When my kids succeed or are enjoying themselves

Sunshine, and hot weather

Weekends out and about for fun with my husband and kids

Beach vacations

That greenhouse feeling I get when I sit by the glass door in the sunshine waiting for my  kids to get off the school bus.

Just thinking about all those joyful moments really lit me up from within. It not only felt good to remind myself that I have these events in my life, but I physically felt lighter. I felt my muscles loosen, my shoulders drop, and the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders flow away. I looked at that list three times and smiled. You know what... this could be a way to smile every day. Look at the “good” list and maybe add to it from time to time. And you know that first list of the “bad” stuff, I’ll just have to find a way to not have to deal with those things quite so much. Now where’s the take out menus? Ahhh, take out... no cooking... Say, why there’s another smile already!