Day 46 Settling Right Down

When I’m staying away from home, I tend to have difficulty sleeping. That’s what happens when I’m not in my own bed, with my own pillow and it usually means my schedule is out of whack too. The same often goes for children as well. So while I’m happily babysitting two of the cutest children ever (and one’s already snoozing away), I can’t help but love blankets and pillows.

There’s something to be said about laying down a couple of blankets and pillows on a floor, turning off the lights and playing a movie. It can be very subduing. We put on the movie Rio (slightly endorsing it because my husband worked on the movie, but no I’m not getting paid to do this) and the effect is wondrous. 

The young ones are lying down quietly... It’s really sweet! I’m off to enjoy this moment and smile at the little cuteness happening before me, like our little guest petting my daughter’s hair or telling my son he’s so silly and making him smile. It’s way too cute , I’ve gotta join them!

Day 43 Underwater Laughing

Can you do it? Can you laugh underwater? I, personally, have never attempted this! I have a bit of an anxiety (gee, wonder where my kids get their anxiety issues from) about swimming that I really try to hide from my kids. I happen to like having my feet on the bottom of the pool and I don’t go more than knee deep in the ocean or lakes (okay, the ocean/lake thing I don’t hide quite so well).  My nervousness prevents me from trying many things like handstands, underwater tea parties, and apparently, underwater laughing! 

At the pool today, I wanted to work on getting my kids more comfortable swimming with their faces in the water. Neither of my kids are strong swimmers. With my own anxiety aside, I wouldn’t trust either of them in to swim more than five feet, and my daughter seems to think that she’s forgotten how to swim entirely, despite the months of swimming lessons she’s received from trained professionals (for which we paid a lot of money, I might add). 

So after the kids had practiced swimming comfortably with their life jacket or boogie board, I was able to get my little not-so mermaid to shed the life jacket and give swimming a try. Oh, she was nervous! But she was trusting of me (that makes me smile) and found a comfortable step for footing. She checked her oh so important goggles for water tightness, she steadied her footing, she grabbed ahold of the railing with one, she eyed my distance from her and debated how far she thought she could manage. As she pushed away from the step, I could see the fear in her eyes, but you know what? She was smiling! She dove forward, kicked her legs and reached with her arms... she made it to me! Yay!! All smiles!

She was ready to try again! With steady footing, she prepared for the lunge. This time, she submerged her face and swam under water to me! Whoa! Where’d this come from? She began swimming back to the step and allowed me to go further and further out. She was definitely getting comfortable. 

During one of her dives, as she was swimming towards me, being a fish in her words, she apparently spied my son’s hiney (covered) through her goggles underwater. Having the typical sense of humor of a young child, she found this funny! And so she began to laugh! Underwater! I had no idea what was going on so I immediately pulled her up (water anxiety, remember?), but she was actually laughing! Not kidding! Laughing and smiling, even as I was pulling her from what I thought was a watery demise. Once I realized she was perfectly fine, I was smiling too, but reminded her that maybe underwater isn’t the place to start LOL’ing! 

Her progress, good humoredness and bravery (I'm still not about to try laughing underwater) was definitely smile worthy! 

Before anyone decides to pass judgement on me being afraid to go in the ocean, have you watched Shark Week yet? Um, case closed. I'll come up with an excuse for the lake later!

Day 19 Repurpose, Relax, Reiki

So what do you do when your day was filled with smiles and you realized how special all those smiles were when they were actually happening and not just at the end of the day during reflection? Cartwheels!! Ha, nope, I didn’t do cartwheels. I’m nowhere near coordinated or graceful enough to accomplish that... Remember Day 4? I did pat myself on the back and allowed myself to soak in the day!

I started the day doing things that generally don’t bring about the wonderful feeling of inner peace and joy, you know...cleaning and gardening. I know some people enjoy gardening and don a cute little gloves, kneel on those padded rectangular thingies and get dirty. That is most certainly not me! I’m no diva, but I do happen to like having clean nails and those gloves never seem to do their job. As for cleaning, I know there are some people (crazy people)  who like to clean (no offense to you crazies that enjoy cleaning). They find it therapeutic and purifying. I can understand that too if it wasn’t such hard and gross work. The gloves for that job aren’t so wonderful either. Today, though, I didn’t mind the housework and yard work. Okay, I could’ve done without the cleaning, but it was fine in the end, of course; however, the gardening was almost fun. My flower garden (looks like a weed garden) is a work in progress. I keep adding to it little by little. It’s not so pretty right now, but maybe one day it will be. What’s been fun is the repurposing part of it. My husband’s been cleaning out the shed and I’ve been finding new uses for some of the goodies he’s dragged out. The wood from a beat up bench (I broke it with my car, oops) became part of the walkway through the flowers, old buckets and ice shovel became a planter and decoration. That’s the fun stuff! 

In that shed was some sprinklers left behind from the previous owner as well, so we got one of them working. Presto chango, backyard water park! I smiled particularly wide when I watched my husband take a break, scoop up our daughter and run her into the traveling water spray. There’s not much more precious than a dad playing with his kids. 

Then there are the kids themselves. I had a good chuckle over the neighbor’s four year old declaring “I’m so thirsty! If I don’t get a drink a soon, I’ll die of a heart attack! Man, I’m sweatin’!” My son made me proud of him when he took a break from all the hubbub of the children’s games when he was feeling overwhelmed. He didn’t try to stick it out and end up yelling at other kids like he usually does. I’m so glad he stepped away for just a few minutes to relax and then joined back in. Way to go, son! And my little girl, the one terrified of bugs, had me out catching lightening bugs (or fireflies, whichever you prefer). For some reason, lightening bugs are cute and other bugs aren’t. She later drew a picture of us catching fireflies (I think this is what she prefers to call them) together and we both had huge smiles on our faces. It was an accurate depiction! 

Today was also filled with Reiki and that is always a great thing for me! I had a friend come over for her first treatment and she left wanting more, so I’m thankful that she enjoyed it. It always makes me smile to hear what someone says about their treatment, especially their first treatment. And when the kids saw that the Reiki table was up, they wanted their own treatments. So they each got a treatment on the big table before bed, which means I got to carry my sleepy little girl back to bed again. Yay! My son got off the table euphorically saying that he felt great and ready for bed! 

It doesn’t get much better than all that, and I’m grateful for every moment of it. As I sit here in front of this computer, I have to smile at myself too because I keep falling asleep and bobbing my head when I awake, fingers still on the keyboard. Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself too.

Day 17 Idle Kids

I was lying on my bed, taking a break when I reflected on how sibling bickering is driving me crazy! I’ve got to figure out a way to cut down on their quarrels. And it isn’t just the fighting, but the goading that goes on and the stubbornness. The diva is never wrong and can’t stand to proved otherwise, which my son loves to do every chance he gets. I’ve tried reminders, talking to them both, time outs, taking points away from their reward charts and taking away privileges-- and that’s all from today alone! I’m really starting to understand the phrase “Idle hands are the devil’s playground.” I think I’ll be finding projects or crafts for them to do from now on or I’m going to need the time out more than them! I purposefully left our schedules open this summer instead of signing them up for a bunch of camps. I spent the whole school year running from one place to the next. Whether it was vision therapy, basketball, social group, ballet, tutoring, school meetings, or the multitude of doctor appointments, the kids and I always had some place to be. It seemed that there was never a day of rest and it really took its toll on us all. Some of those things were important for my son with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD, some were added because my kids should be allowed to have fun too! It also seemed unfair to make my daughter go to all these places for my son without giving her something that she could call hers.   

This summer I wanted to limit that as much as possible for all our sanity’s sakes. We only have track two nights a week, which the kids and I both can enjoy at the same time, and tutoring for my son two times a week. Okay, I did put my mini developer into a LEGO engineering camp, but it’s only for one week and half days at that. I have no doubt that he’ll love it and it will give his aspie brain an opportunity to do what it does so well, create new models. The week of that camp will be a busy one, but it’s only one week. After that, all of our events are scheduled so that we have long four day weekends. Gotta love a weekend getaway! 

In order to get through the less eventful weeks, I will need to squash the squabbles. No time better than the present to start practicing this. So, as I was trying to breathe and flow in the solace of my room instead of losing my cool and putting everyone to bed by 7:00 pm, I decided I needed to find a smile moment. I pulled out some treats, put in a movie of my choice (Oh no, I’m not giving them another opportunity to disagree on something) and made a pallet for the kids in front of the television. There’s something about a few blankets and pillows on the floor of a dark room that makes them quieter. Notice I said quieter instead of quiet, pallets aren’t miracle workers! It was better than the constant shift of children though. My son has this inability to sit, especially when the movie plot is getting more intense. He always ends up standing in front of the television! My daughter is constantly moving and most of the time, she is moving on top of you! You can now see why I like the pallet so much. Even when they're idle, they're not so idle. 

After the movie, I felt better than I did before I took a break. I did take the time to write a bit while the movie was on to prevent being up really late again, but as I sat here putting down my thoughts from the day, my daughter sat down beside me and promptly fell asleep. I’m going to end today’s entry so I can put her to bed. Yes, I could ask my husband to do it, but time slips by too fast and before you know it, I won’t be able to carry her in my arms. So I’ll pick her up, lay her in bed, kiss her on the cheek and smile knowing that I had another chance to cradle my baby girl. I’ll step across the room and kiss my son goodnight as well and tell him I love him. I’m sure I will think to myself  “They get along so well when they’re sleeping!” and smile as I close the door.

Day 14 Packing a Smile

I woke up on my own this morning! I opened my eyes and didn’t hear bickering. At that moment, I listened for the voices of angels singing and harps being strummed because it felt that heavenly! I looked to my side and my husband wasn’t there. I don’t think he’s gotten out of bed before me more than 10 times in our whole marriage so I was little surprised. I got dressed and headed downstairs and that’s about where the euphoria I felt began to dissipate. 

I wanted to get an early start today because we needed to return home in time for a sporting event for my kids. My husband needed to make repairs to his computer so he went to the shop with my son in tow. I started packing the car. Please understand that my husband and I disagree about what should be brought along when we go to my parents’ home for a visit. I know that if I want to exercise, I just need my sneakers. He seems to think we need every weight and workout tool known to man. He brings 4 fishing poles because there is a slight chance that he may go fishing. I know I’m not going fishing and neither is my daughter, and that his fishing buddy is out of town, so it would seem excessive to me. I could go on, but I’ll spare you. In short, I pack light, he packs tonnage. The problem wasn’t the overload of essentials/non-essentials, it was that I was being ignored. I had specifically said we didn’t need all that equipment before I went out of town. I had specifically said I wanted to leave early, and due to the dent in the computer that needed to be fixed immediately for some reason, I was leaving late. This form of inattention occurs frequently enough to drive me batty. I feel like yelling “Hello? Are you hearing me?” I was boiling over, but I thankfully had a lengthy car ride to ease me out of it. 


I ended up getting home with 30 minutes to get the kids and myself ready for the track. I got it done and I didn’t lose my cool as we were heading out the door, so that felt pretty good. We got there just in time to sign in and disperse, which led to a few smiles around the track. I enjoyed seeing my son get picked as a helper and watching both my kids run the track with pride and motivation. The bonus for me at the track was that I ran with a friend and had a conversation with someone who wasn’t still in elementary school or a relative. That doesn’t happen often enough, so I appreciate when it happens. Another great thing about this evening? I barely had to unpack that conglomeration of vital tackle and training gear, so I was thrilled! You know what you need to pack for a smile? Just a good thought! I do like packing light and memories take up absolutely no trunk space!

Day 13 Painted Smiles

I’m in the parking lot of a grocery store, peering into the trunk of my car. I really do attempt to prepare myself for any occasion by stocking my car with anything I can imagine that could come in handy! Need a place to sit while visiting a playground? I’ve got blankets for that. Does someone want to play baseball while out and about? I’ve got a bat and whiffle balls just for the occasion and a football if you change your mind. Oooh, paper cut? Yessirree Bob, I’ve got a first aid kit. Umbrellas, games, fishing gear, shoes, clothes and more, it’s all back there and usually fairly neatly stored. 


Today, I needed items to preoccupy the kids while waiting for the fireworks display. I’ve shoved glow sticks, sweaters, and balls in my bag, clutched blankets and a cute little fairy fold up chair and start off towards the fields. Wait, headphones! “Don’t close the trunk!” I grab headphones and turn away back towards the fields. Oh, you know what, I’ve got face paint! Yep, I have face paint in my trunk. What, you don’t?. “Open the trunk again!” After I’ve shoved the palette of  perfectly pretty pastels into my handbag, And I’m off to see the fireworks, for real this time. 


As I’m carrying this load across the parking lot to my awaiting family, I begin to feel burdened. Literally, I’m carrying quite a bit here. I’ve got the tinker fairy’s chair banging against one leg, my over flowing handbag falling off my shoulder, a blanket unravelling and I’m trying to keep my tied sweater from sliding off my waist. I picture that Breathe and Flow jump rope with a new notch in it and decide to use the mantra. I take a big, belly filling breath and release. I wasn’t exactly shocked to feel calmer or better, but I was surprised where my brain took me in that breath. I thought “What a great moment this night will be! Don’t forget any of it!” I was right. It was a fun, easy going evening, and I loved it all!

There were countless smile moments! We set out our blankets, I got out the face paint. My moxie-filled diva of a daughter sat in front of me and we began the artwork. I started one on her and she moved on to decorating me. We had a blast adding flowers, butterflies, angels and mom “tattoos” to our canvas of skin. 

Up walks more family and friends and what’s not to do, but smile! My son was in a great mood almost all day and it continued into the late night. Even almost throwing a football up an innocent bystanders behind by accident didn’t make him upset. And there’s nothing like cheap plastic light up toys to make a child smile either! The fireworks began, my daughter wore her headphones and listened to music to keep from having to cover her ears from the booms, and we all gathered closer to watch the spectacular event. It was stress free. We were all happy in that moment. The fireworks were great, but the moment was enlivening! It was a great evening and I will do everything I can to try and remember it all. And hey, now that I see how I look with multiple colorful tattoos up and down my arms, maybe I’ll design a real one to remember the evening. Maybe a few fireworks on the upper arm. Heh, well it was just a thought and even that one made me smile again! 

Day 11 Short Ropes

Remember that “Breathe and Flow” mantra from Day 5? Yes, well I forgot it today. Today wasn’t a continuation of the lazy days from before. We went outlet mall shopping and then returned home to a truck load of mulch in my parents’ driveway. My father and my son were already hard at work filling a wagon and dispersing the mulch and my son was loving it. I joined right in. No need to work out tonight! I am not known to be an outdoorsy type of person and it is not my favorite place to work either. Sure, I like sitting on the deck and reading a book, but that’s about where it ends. That being said, I enjoyed the hard work. It felt good to lend a  hand for my parents when they so regularly give and never ask for anything in return. All of that went well. Clean up was another story...

By this point, I’m tired and hungry. I left my son with instructions to take a shower and that didn’t happen. Even after walking him to the shower later, we still had to keep reminding him to get out. I should have just let it go, but it is one of those things that just irk me now. Why can’t he just wash his hair, wash his body and get out? Of course rinse hair and body too, believe me, I have to remind him of that as well. I should have just repeated “breath and flow” to myself when I was feeling irritated and I didn’t. I had to make my point and frustrate the situation further by counting down to him and shouting through the door that it’s time to get out now. Why didn’t I just walk away? Because I was frustrated already. I felt the build up of many small stressors throughout the day and allowed them to culminate into that very moment, a moment where, once again, some body didn’t listen to me and I felt the proverbial end of my rope slip away. Terrible terrible terrible! I have got to breathe and flow. I’m going to picture a long sisal rope. No, a jump rope like the ones from grade school! That's a more colorful and playful kind of rope. Stamped on the rope will be the mantra “breathe and flow”. I need to take that rope and mentally create notches in it through out the day at times that I’m feeling stressed so I can see when the end is coming and learn to avoid meltdowns at the end of the day.  I will practice more! I will practice with smaller situations and bigger situations. I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them. My jump rope will remind me to play more and stress less and allow me to see when I’ve reached a limit of stressful situations. Yep, that's what I'll do. Gotta love a plan!

On a more spirited note, I will say that seeing my son wave to me as we pulled into the driveway today was one of my biggest smile provoking moments. I loved seeing him brighten up when we arrived and run to meet us so he could tell us how hard he’s been working. Another big smile moment would be from my daughter. Miss priss was completely against the idea of working. “I’m in my best dress!” she declared when asked to join in. She eventually came out and got into the thick of it, even spreading mulch with her bare hands! The little insectophobe was out there shoveling, getting dirty and plucking weeds, well not the weeds with bugs on them, but she plucked a few. Her pride shone through and it made me happy to see her thrilled with herself. My kids are great source of my happiness and I need to focus more on that at times. I need to take more time to be happy with them and not just the dictator that gives orders. More playtime is needed and more smiles will come... maybe we’ll go jump rope together!

Day 10 Monster Smile

It feels so good to be lazy!! I took time to sit in the warm sun and read, put together a puzzle with my mother and take a walk with my husband. A girl can get used to this! While there wasn’t much happening today that I would really find worthy to share, there was one funny moment that made me smile...

My son arrived home this afternoon and decided to watch television. He’s a bit of a gear-head usually and apparently, I have an internal limit to how much I can withstand shows that review cars, auction cars, restore cars, build cars, wreck cars and etcetera, so much so that I am willing to watch just about anything else. And that is why I didn’t protest when he came across a show about searching for a loch ness type of monster. This show went off and he seemed to enjoy it. Afterwards, a new show about a chupacabra monster came on. I could tell that this particular show had a very intense, yellow journalism feel to it and I asked my son if he was sure he wanted to watch this. “Of course, I do!” he says. I figured I would just see what happens. I really don’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than necessary.  As the show continues, it became a bit too realistic to me and so I said that he should probably turn the channel if it’s bothering him. He changes it alright, but then he becomes weepy and upset--How will he know what happens now? I told him that I was giving him the choice to change it or not, but that I didn’t want the show to be upsetting to him. He leaps for the remote and turns the channel back to the chupacabra. I’m watching him carefully when suddenly the chupacabra jumps out into the scene! He sits bolt upright, mouth gaping, eyes big as saucers and looks to me. “I’m changing the channel. It’s freakin’ me out!” I may be back to watching how a car is made with robots in a factory, but at least I know that my son was able to handle the surprise monster attack. If he hadn’t turned the channel back, we would have had a long battle about a tv show. Instead, he watched more than I would have liked, but it didn’t hurt him. He made the decision to change the channel and now he understands why I warned him about it. After he changed the station, he was perfectly fine. I will not always allow him to make the decision, but this is one I can live with. There are a lot of real life monster moments that I won’t be there to warn him about and I want him to learn to handle those big decisions on his own when the time comes.

Not only did I have a bit of laugh to myself when he jumped out of his skin (it was pretty funny), but I can smile knowing he’s gotten one monster under his belt. Take that chupacabra!

Day 9 Cast a Smile

I am noticing some changes around here. I almost don’t want to reflect on our case of good humoredness in fear of completely jinxing our way back into freak-out land. Maybe it is all due to our vacation and taking a break from all scheduling, but I would like to think that it is in part due to me taking time to adjust my way of seeing things, at least attempting to make adjustments. I feel as though it may be rubbing off onto my son. As much as I would love to believe that, I can't say that I do completely. I know I'm smiling more and am more content in general. I have seen the same from him. 

I have noticed my son beginning to get frustrated and with a quick reminder, he is able to turn his emotions around. I’ve watched him smile more even in situations that I would have expected him to become serious and upset. Regardless of why, to see him smile abundantly is a conquest that I have long sought after through advice, books, therapists, doctors, and more before I ever considered my own happiness. I want nothing more than to see him light up and enjoy his life. Don’t take me as naive here, I know this doesn’t mean everything is “fixed” and all will be hunky-dory, but more smiles and less meltdowns is a step in the right direction. I know that there will be good days and bad days, but I would love for my boy to experience the better half of that equation. The day that I told my son he had Asperger’s Syndrome, I told him that every one has strengths and every one has weaknesses. I explained to him that his strengths were numerous and that we would work together to make the weaknesses that troubled him less troublesome. It would take practice, time and patience, but he is capable of anything he puts his mind to, especially with us, his family, working with him. I want to be right about that and I certainly don’t want to let him down. Seeing him actually accept a situation that may not have had an outcome that he so desperately expected, is like lighting a candle in a dark room. It starts with a small seam of light, but quickly casts a beautiful and warming glow upon those who have been in the dark room awaiting the flame to banish the anxiety of what could be hidden by the darkness. His smile sparks and my son’s face lights up. I feel grateful to see him glow and relieved to see the dark turmoil lifted from him. It’s both comforting and rewarding to us all and without a doubt, smile worthy. So here's hoping for more sparks of smiles for him, and that we all bask in his glow.  

Day 8 Mile of Smiles

It was another easy going day. I love summer vacation, especially when we don’t have places to be everyday. 

Today’s highlight was that my husband was able to join us at my parent's home finally. What I really enjoyed was taking some time for each other. I know this may not sound like quality couple" time, but we took a nap on the couch together! I don’t think we’ve been able to do that in years! If either of us try to sleep during daylight hours, our kids have an uncanny ability to lose any form of self-reliance. I have also noticed that they feel the need to inform us of their every move, which is great in some ways, but I don’t need to know that they’re going to the bathroom to pee. It can be particularly grating on the nerves when it interrupts you from much needed beauty sleep and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason I have to dye my hair so often. 

After the nap and a family dinner, my husband and I took a nice little walk around the neighborhood. It was time spent together and I don’t think we talked about anything stressful. Not one thing! It was just time with one another, reminiscent of when we first started dating and walked for hours up and down the streets of our city. As we walked along the unfamiliar road tonight, observing the surroundings, I found myself smiling and laughing like the old days. Each step along the mile or so reminded me that this is a man I enjoy having by my side. 

The kids have been playing well together today, for the most part at least. I tucked them into bed and gave them Reiki treatments. Reiki is a Japanese form of healing that uses energy to provide relaxation and well being. If you’re not familiar with it, it can sound pretty crazy, but I’ve been a practitioner for a few years and have been amazed by it. While I don’t actively seek clients with my hectic schedule, I do provide treatments to my family. As part our anxiety reducing techniques, I thought I would include regular Reiki treatments into our routines. I am hoping to give treatments to the kids for just a few minutes at night. The kids like getting the treatments and they seem to enjoy it quite a bit before bed. We’ll have to see how I do with that commitment. I can’t see myself doing that nightly, but maybe I can get a few nights a week in. The problem is, I’m in such a need of that beauty sleep that I tend to nod off during their treatments! Oh well, some Reiki is better than none and I always feel so much better after giving a treatment. It really is good for each of us and will only lead to more smiles down the road. 

Day 7 A week later...

I am happy to report that this was a very easy going and relaxing day! I got not one, but two workouts in and I always feel better when I am in an exercise routine. The kids were both in exceptional moods and I really didn’t have any meltdowns or spastic episodes to work around. It truly was a lovely day! Maybe this last week of seizing smiles has made a difference already...

The best part of the day was just a few minutes ago. While getting a load of laundry together, I asked my son to help out. He was in a chatty mood and talking about some television show he saw displayed on the channel guide called “1000 Ways to Die”. None of us have seen this show, but it got my son thinking. “Mom, I know 20 ways to die!” he says enthusiastically. Well, I’d rather not get into that discussion! Who knows where that will lead us and whether or not it will end in a meltdown when he realizes he’s talking about the sensitive subject of death. That topic has landed us into major emotional collapses.  I decided to divert the conversation without making it seem like a bad topic. I have to be careful about how I do this because I don’t want him interpreting my diversion as me saying that he’s thinking of bad things. He’ll feel guilty and we could be in the throws of a meltdown again over something not really important. As he helped me by catching the clothes I dropped going down the stairs, I said “I would love to know 20 ways to make you smile.” I ended up hearing 24 things! He smiled the whole time while he kept count of the items. I loved hearing everything he said even though I wasn’t surprised by any of the of them and for once I wasn’t having to hear about building some massive contraption, car, or tree house over and over. I loved every minute of it and having my son by my side during laundry duty didn’t make it feel like such a chore. I just might have to incorporate him into this duty more often. So thank you to my amazing son for supplying me with another smile worthy moment by smiling himself! I love ya kid!

Day 6 Pinstripes

Alice Cooper said it best with “No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks” from his “School’s Out” song. Yes, I know that rhyme wasn’t coined by him, but I sure feel like Alice Cooper by the time school winds down... It’s our first school free Monday of the summer and I couldn’t be happier! Despite the fact that my son is waking up over an hour earlier than I could normally drag him out of bed on school mornings, I was thrilled not to have to remind him to take his vitamins, and actually chew his food only to barely get out the door before the bus passes because I’ve been begging him to stop staring at the mirror for five minutes instead of brushing his teeth. It was a pretty great morning. I enjoyed lounging around free of stress and sipping my coffee while the kids peacefully meandered their way through their morning. That was down right awesome. I didn’t even get dressed until sometime after 10:00, or was it 11:00?! There was internal smiling going on this morning!

There were some up and down moments this afternoon with my son. Our routine is way off since we are out of town visiting my family and he spent most of the day out at my father’s business, a collision center. He loves it there because he has his own tools and being the car fanatic and engineer that he his, he feels like he’s at home. The problem is, it gets a bit overstimulating for him and unstructured so it can bring about little emotional meltdowns like he had today. If he goes back tomorrow, I’ll make sure he has a project to work on and a Plan B project in case he needs it. But after a long day at the shop, he wanted to ride his ATV which happened to be out of gas. Another meltdown. Ughh!! I tried to divert the mood swing by telling him to use his trailer for something. Something went wrong again. Another meltdown. UGHHH!! Okay, so maybe it’s time for him to go in, shower and relax. As he’s taking the trailer into the garage, he was distracted by his emotions and he side swiped my car’s bumper with the wagon. DOUBLE UGHHH!! Now, I’ve got green stripes on my bumper. Not so smile-worthy, but I sent him in to shower instead of losing my top, and I continued a soccer game with my daughter. That’s right... the little diva played soccer! This is the same little girl that I once asked if she wanted to join the soccer team and she replied “You mean, you want me to kick a ball?! No thanks!” So I was pretty thrilled when she got out there in the grass among the terrifying bugs and actively kicked my behind (she cheats). She was hilarious with her rules such as “using hands are ok” and “wear sunscreen” so I had quite a few laughs. Once my son showered, he apologized for my new unintentional pinstripes and offered to paint my bumper. All ended well and we’re all settling in for the night with smiles instead of tears. I guess my son’s projects for tomorrow will be buffing the stripes out of my bumper. Two problems solved already and I have another reason to smile!

Day 5 The Roller Coaster Day

It was certainly a hectic day today and I while I had my fair share of smile worthy moments, I also had a missed opportunity. Hey, I knew it would happen. I’m going to spend a moment to reflect on the rougher episode, or smile miss, before I share my more pleasurable moments. 

My 6 year old needed to get ready for her dance recital today so there was hair and nails, glitz and glamour to be done by 0900 hours. Why military time? Because I wish I were that organized! If I had been, I wouldn’t have missed my opportunity to seize a smile instead of losing my cool. I was feeling the stress and when it was time to motivate my son into getting ready, I failed miserably. Everything I wanted him to do was met with confrontation and instead of handling the situation with grace and dignity, I worsened the interaction by intensifying my own reactions. I should have taken a deep breathe and walked away momentarily. I was rushing and at the time it seemed imperative that we leave at the predetermined time set forth by me and supported by my husband. Looking back, we got to the auditorium early and then had to wait around more because the staff was late taking the girls. Why couldn’t I have just given him more time? I’m always telling him “we just have to go with the flow”, but I really feel like I shouldn’t be dishing out that advice if I can’t take it myself. I really need to work on that! That will become a priority! So one last recap of what I’ve learned here and then I’ll allow myself to move on... When the moment seems incredibly rushed and overwhelming, take a moment to breathe and go with the flow. It certainly won’t hurt nearly as much as the guilt of losing my cool. New mantra: Breathe and Flow! Duly noted.

Now on to the happier moments, otherwise I’ll fester on the aforementioned missed opportunity. The recital was another proud moment, much like yesterday! My lovely daughter did a fantastic job and I was thrilled to be there for her. I cheered, I cried and pretended to have something in my eye, and beamed from pride. I was also glad that she didn’t fall off the stage which she nervously told me yesterday she feared might happened, so that’s a bonus! Plus, my son only told me he was hungry for a snack about 18 times (thank you conveniently located table of goodies). Overall, the recital was an amazing time.

I also was thrilled to be heading out to my parents’ home for a long week. My blog is a little late due to traveling, but that’s ok because I’ll just go with the flow, no rush (breathe and flow). I thoroughly enjoyed singing along with tunes during the car ride despite the presence of passengers. I’m sure they would have rather I didn’t belt out my favorites, but since I was driving I figured it would be fine and they would survive. Besides, the children had headphones so I think major mental and emotional trauma from embarrassment was averted. At least that’s what I’ll tell the therapist when they’re older, that they were properly prepared for my joviality. Once home, I delighted in seeing my sister’s new home she’s buying and then had a fun, butt-kicking workout with my dad. There’s nothing funnier than seeing me try to stay balanced while doing three direction kicks which means that my father must have had a good internal laugh at that as well. I’m feeling pretty good now. I can expect to make mistakes, but I’ll also learn from them. Eventually, I’ll be breathing flowing myself into more and more smile moments despite the infractions just like today. Not every day is perfect, but they can still end in smiles.

Day 4 Proud and Proven Smile

I was born on a Tuesday, but I was not born full of grace as the old poem goes. Unfortunately for my little girl, she wasn’t blessed with grace either. She’s been in dance lessons for two years now and we continue with it because she enjoys it. She’s a kid after all, so as long as she’s enjoying it, who cares if she goofs around a little. She spent most of her time playing and never seemed to really get the hang of the dance routine. That’s how it was the first year of lessons and that seemed to be the way of it during the second year. So I was expecting the same type of behavior at her recital rehearsal today.

When we got to the auditorium, she turned to me and said, “I don’t feel good mom. My throat feels funny.” That told me that she was nervous and her anxiety was high. So I walked her over to her friend and she started to perk up. The rehearsals began and I sat in the dark room awaiting the curtain to part. I was anxious to see her dances as I had yet to see a whole routine. The moms were banned from the lesson room due to space and distractions, which was a total nuisance to me. I didn’t enjoy being banished to a narrow waiting room teeming with other moms, children and dancers jostling and jockeying for prime positions while one dance room tried to outdo the other with their loud music. There wasn’t much opportunity to see the girls practicing so I was both literally and figuratively left in the dark on rehearsal day. Well the curtain opened and there she was. Looking so much taller than I remembered her being just minutes ago. She wore a determined expression as well. She meant to do this right and do her best. And she did! She may not have been completely perfect, but she blew me away! I couldn’t believe that was my daughter up there! She amazed me during both dances and I couldn’t wait to tell her how proud she had made me. I didn’t care if she did everything perfect or not, but to see her commit to the routines that she had deemed as play time and to do so under nervous pressure took me by surprise. I was so thrilled to see her when she got off the stage and when she saw me she was beaming! We looked at each other and lit up inside! I loved every minute of it! It made every claustrophobic waiting room moment more than worth it.  So much so, that we’ll be doing it all again next year. I’ll just have to hold onto today’s proud smile-worthy moment. If you see a woman grinning from ear to ear in a tight space with too many people in it while being bombarded with “Whip My Hair” and “Evacuate the Dance Floor” at the same time over and over and over again... you’ll know it’s me and you’ll know why! My inner thoughts are on my sweet girl proving to herself that she can do whatever she sets her mind to and how I lucky I was to be there for it.

Day 3- Realizing What Makes Me Smile

Today, I began listening to an anxiety reducing program. Why? Because my daughter has suddenly started losing her mind over bugs and blood. If she sees bugs, she completely freaks out and has tried jumping out of her booster seat. Thankfully, this hasn’t happened while I was actually driving yet, but I’m not sure how long that record will last. The last time she saw blood, she turned completely white, broke out into a full body sweat and made it clear that she would throw up. She kept yelling “Aaaacckk, aaacckk!” Now, I don’t even want to think about what will happen if both of those fears were to happen at the same time! We’d need a Xanax... not for her, for me! She’s scaring the holy out of me every time it happens because there is definite screaming going on. Everything is fine, then all of sudden, someone lets loose a banshee and I turn to see that the banshee is in fact, my daughter. Yikes!

So back to the anxiety program... Part of what I needed to do in order to teach my daughter how to handle her anxiety, is to look at myself. The author asked for the parent to spend 10 minutes writing down what makes him/her feel bad. After a full 10 minutes, I came up with this list of horrid things:

Cooking, cooking, cooking x 1,000,000

Putting away leftovers

Always having to be on the go 

Homework (my kids’)

Rushing around

Grocery shopping

The kids bickering

Not being around my family & friends ( we moved away from my close family/friends 5 years ago)

Tantrums

Spider veins

Balancing the bank accounts

Tight spaces/Crowded spaces

Being interrupted when I'm on the phone

Messy rooms

Gardening/Lawn care-- All maintenance in general really

Feeling like I have to do it all

Cold weather or rainy weather, cold & rainy weather is even worse!

Waiting for the school bus in the cold, rainy, cold & rainy weather

Now that I’ve accomplished reminding myself of all the yucky things, I’ve determined that all of that makes me hurt in my back, neck and shoulders. Well, wasn’t that a fun thing to find out. On to the good stuff! What makes me feel good? I was pleasantly surprised to find these thoughts really flowing out! Here’s what I jotted down in 10 minutes:

Watching movies with the kids

Reading to the kids

Handbags

Alone time with husband

Beach vacations

Playing board games as a family

Playing Rock Band with my son

Batting in the backyard with the kids

Photography

Crochet

Beach vacations

Our pets (or small petting zoo if you were to ask my husband)

Backyard campfires with Reese’s s’mores

Holidays/holiday shopping

Being with my family

Reading

Waking up and seeing my wall of goodies the kids gave me

Fishing with husband

Beach vacations

Laying on the couch, watching our shows with husband

When my husband cooks... I love that!

My dogs! And how they follow me around unless there’s food around elsewhere

Back rubs and I get a daily hug from husband that is actually an attempt to crack my back-- it’s a blessing really!

Going out with friends

Reiki (I’m a practitioner)

When my kids succeed or are enjoying themselves

Sunshine, and hot weather

Weekends out and about for fun with my husband and kids

Beach vacations

That greenhouse feeling I get when I sit by the glass door in the sunshine waiting for my  kids to get off the school bus.

Just thinking about all those joyful moments really lit me up from within. It not only felt good to remind myself that I have these events in my life, but I physically felt lighter. I felt my muscles loosen, my shoulders drop, and the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders flow away. I looked at that list three times and smiled. You know what... this could be a way to smile every day. Look at the “good” list and maybe add to it from time to time. And you know that first list of the “bad” stuff, I’ll just have to find a way to not have to deal with those things quite so much. Now where’s the take out menus? Ahhh, take out... no cooking... Say, why there’s another smile already!

Day 2 Triumphant Smile

Today, I may not have had a big laugh out loud moment resembling my shower insanity of yesterday, but I definitely felt the potential of what smiling can hold for me. I found myself celebrating a minor triumph with a contented grin. The word contented is key here! Let me explain why... Today, I was able to stop my son from having a meltdown before he was able to shed tears! It was quick and painless for us all. Instead of worrying about how to prevent these sudden emotional downfalls like I usually do, I allowed myself to breathe in and out a few times and just smile. I was successful after all, why not take a minute to let that sink in for once. There was no way I could have seen my son's inner turmoil brewing under the circumstances so there's no sense in trying to analyze it further. I let myself enjoy our small win and be content. A minute later, not only was I smiling, but so was my son. And that's another reason to smile...

Day 1 The First Big Smile

It happened! A big laughin' smile! 

After a rough morning of getting my boy off to school and trying to figure out why my girl hasn't been feeling well, I needed a moment. I wasn't sure when it would happen or if it would feel forced, but I was on the look out for the chance to really let go. Kids were both home and settled in so I thought I would hop in the shower before heading out to my son's social group. While turning on the water I started thinking about why it takes my 9 year old son so long in the shower... He gets distracted and just hangs out in there. He's come out countless times with dry hair! What a waste of a good shower right? Maybe not... That got me thinking about ways to make showers more worthwhile. How could I really benefit emotionally from my shower? The answer came with music! 

One good song came on and I decided to let loose! Even the confined space of the shower didn't deter me from having a good ol' time right then and there! Arms were flying, hair was flinging water and I loved it! I lathered, rinsed and repeated all while shaking my groove thang! I continued my dance-a-thon while I dried off and when all was said and done, I felt goooood! All that was left to do was to laugh at myself and blissfully wonder if I could get a bigger shower...

Deciding to Find My Smile

Somewhere along the way between getting married young and raising kids, I lost my smile. I realized this while looking at my own kids’ yearbooks and remembering that I was voted “Best Smile” in high school. I’m pretty sure that was just because I smiled just about all the time. When did that go away? I wouldn’t say that I’m unhappy, since I do feel almost satisfied. Saying “almost” does make me feel a little guilty, but shouldn’t I be smiling everyday? Shouldn’t I feel thrilled to be married to a great guy that I love and to have the pleasure of raising two amazing children?  I mean, what happened? Where and when did I lose my smile? I feel like busting into Wendy’s bedroom and asking her to sew it back on like Peter Pan did with his shadow. Maybe if I had my own Never-Neverland, I would have something to smile about! I’ve decided to go on a conquest to get back my smile and learn to lighten up a little... To find my own inner Neverland. 

In order to do this, I am going to find a way to smile everyday. I’m not saying that I don’t smile ever, but I’m not smiling when it really counts. I smile at the cashier at the stores to be polite, when I see my kids get off the bus, that sort of thing. But I want to light up inside. I want my smile to really beam from within me. So everyday, I will find some way to make this happen. Maybe instead of worrying about if we will make it to dance or tutoring in time, I will twirl with my kids a little on the way to the car. Not sure if my 9 year old son will be up for that, but maybe I’ll just smile when he glares at me. I’ll have to throw in some Nerf time to make up for that, but that sounds like fun too! I think this will take some effort from me after years of forgetting how to be spontaneous, but the rewards could change my life. If I lighten up, maybe my kids will too. With an offbeat aspie engineer for a son and anxiety ridden drama queen for a daughter, we could all benefit from smiling. 

So let the smiling begin...