Five Years Later...

It's been five years since my very first post and let me tell you, so much has changed!

When I started this blog, I needed more self-awareness and gratitude. Over the years, so much has changed. I didn't maintain the blog as much as I had hoped, but the personal growth certainly continued. Despite some personal ups and downs, I have found myself so much further along on my journey than I would have expected.

Despite having more children than I did when I started this quest (yep, I now have 4 kids), I have more patience, compassion and I'm finding time to try new hobbies, looking for the one that speaks to me most. Some have been great new experiences, and some were experiences in humility. Who am I kidding, most were, but I did get some good laughs anyway.

I am still learning more and more about myself and what I need to do to be the best person, mother and wife I can be, but I feel so much more content about where I am now. I feel like my relationships with my kids and my husband are stronger than ever and I can't wait to see what smiles the future brings for us.

I'll try to keep updating in more timely fashion and share some great smiles!

Day 107 Hey Mom

Hey Mom. Two words that never fail to make me look and, in general, make me smile. My daughter rarely says these words together. If she needs me, she just says Mom. If she is greeting me, it's a much more showy display. Something along the lines of "Mooommm!" in a growly, ecstatic way and she runs to me, grinning ear to ear, to tackle me around the waist. I would tell how much that just wraps me up with love and joy, but I'll spare you.

My son is the one that uses the "Hey Mom" phrase. He typically has two inflections. There's the "Hey, Mom?" which has a slight rise in his voice that lets me know to prepare for a question that could involve me either doing something completely simple or turning down a completely irrational request. "Um, sorry bud. We can't build a cannon today..." or "Well, I'm pretty sure you need a special permit to build a full size rocket in the backyard."

But the other way he he says "Hey Mom" is when he's greeting me. His greeting is the antithesis of my daughter's. It's completely nonchalant and monotone, but occasionally I will get an "Oh, Hey Mom" which makes me feel like he wasn't expecting me or something. I love the way he greets me, though. He gets off the bus, sees me and "Hey Mom." He then walks right past me into the house.

Today, when I heard his greeting, I really did smile. When ever I get a call in the middle of a weekday, I cringe! Really, I do. Today was no exception. I answered the phone and it was, *Sigh, the school nurse. My boy wasn't feeling so well.

As I got to the school and started to walk towards the building, I hear "Hey Mom." The window to the nurse's office was open and was calling out to me from inside. I smiled before I even saw him, and then I looked up and he was smiling at me. This is where I would say that I felt like my heart could've just burst from loving that kid so much, but I'll save you from that type of saccharine mush.

Speaking of mushy yuckiness, my son got sick in the car and my daughter wasn't too thrilled about that. I hear "Uh, Mom, it doesn't smell so good" from my daughter. Just picture this... She's pinching her nose with her right hand, her left shoulder is up against her left ear (covered by huge headphones already) and she's reaching across the top of her head to put her left hand over her right ear (also covered by huge headphones already) and all the while, she's desperately trying to continue playing her video game (which is why she's wearing headphones). I guess she didn't want to hear or smell any thing that involved my son being sick. She's taught me many things, and one of which is how to cover both ears and plug your nose at the same time. She was much happier when I pulled over quick at a gas station to throw out the throw up. Actually, I think we all were...

Day 23 Fair Fun Takes the Cake

I’m keeping this one simple! 

FIREMAN’S FAIR!!

It’s been a long day. Out of the house by 9:30, drop off son for tutoring, rush back home, pick up son from tutoring, grab lunch, drop off son for camp but miss my exit so turn around to find out no exit on the other side of the highway which means turn around again and some how still manage get to camp on time, head home, then pick up son from camp, playground, head home, then to go to track, back home to wash up and then to the FAIR! I’m whooped! 

But I’m smiling! Maybe it was catching up with friends at the fair, or watching my daughter laugh her way in circles on the Dizzy Dragon, but it’s possible it was seeing my son bump cars the entire time we there. Perhaps it was seeing my husband and daughter waving down to me from atop the ferris wheel. Then again, it could have been the funnel cake! Actually, it could have been helping my daughter on the water gun game and winning, but there was that moment when my son won a prize and gave it to his sister. Yes, it was all of that and so much more... 

And tomorrow, I’ve got candy apple waiting for me!

Day 21 A Shock of Hair

When my daughter was younger, about four years old, she wanted her hair cut short like her brother’s. Her curly hair was taking forever to grow out to where it looked long at all, so I wouldn’t chop her beautiful curls for no man’s money. Then she started preschool and her little best friends had long hair, so of course, she wanted to keep her hair long, just like them. I told her that she should wear her hair the way she wants and not some way that’s popular with her friends, be yourself... but I was glad she wanted to keep it long. I loved her hair, that you could literally wrap strands around your finger and make ringlets. Then she saw the Disney movie Tangled and decided that she would never cut her hair again. She wanted to be just like Rapunzel! Well, that wasn’t going to happen. Her hair did get pretty long though. This summer, it was just about to her waist line and every inch of it began to be more tangled than it was Rapunzel. The heat, humidity and sweat wreak havoc on her curly locks and binds them up real tight. I try to keep her hair up off her neck to keep her cooler and prevent knots, but she removes hair ties when she’s had enough of them, and that takes about as long as the walk from the house to the car. Today, as I was brushing her hair and struggling to get the brush through it again, I casually suggested that perhaps we have her hair cut today. Well, she must have been pretty tired of the tangles too, because she agreed with me. Agreeing with me is shocking in itself.

As we made our way to the salon, I could tell she was getting nervous. Mainly because she said “I’m not going to be scared.” So, yes, she was scared. I reminded her that there was nothing to be afraid of and she reminded me that there were scissors involved and that she could get cut. I reassured her of her safety and we walked inside. After about five inches off, a few layers thrown in, and the cutest blow out I’ve ever seen, my girl looks renewed. She looks beautiful like always, and even a little bit older (which, I might add, doesn’t need to be sped up). I have to admit, I didn’t realize it would be that much shorter and it’s not exactly what I’d call short, it goes well past her shoulders, but the layers make it appear shorter. I wasn’t sure what she would think of it. I found out soon enough...

“My friends won’t know it’s me. Megan might not recognize me today.” Oh, boy. 

I could tell that she definitely liked her new haircut. She kept touching it with her hands, telling me not to let it get messed up and talking about how straight it was. She asked me to dry her hair this way every time she takes a shower or a bath. Gee, that sounds like fun. So I knew the style was a hit. 

“My dear, no one will struggle to know who you are. You are one of a kind and no matter how short or long your hair is, your friends will know you and love you.” 

She went to track tonight with her lovely hair down. I couldn’t get her to wear it up, she didn’t want to mess it up. She showed her coaches and friends her new hair stye , and no one had trouble recognizing her.  She ran with a little extra pep and ran for the entire 12 minutes. She laughed a lot and was tremendously happy. That made me happy... and that makes me smile.

Day 18 New Family in my Yard

I saved a baby mouse today. I know that sounds ridiculous to some people, but I felt awesome! 

Our shed’s roof collapsed this winter, due to the great amounts of snow dumped on us courtesy of  Mother Nature and Jack Frost . While my husband was cleaning out that shed today, he saw that a family of mice had made a home in one of the corners. He saw Mama Mouse escape with her new brood out a back corner. One little one was left behind. He told me about it and pointed out the lone little mouse that was unable to follow along. The little fella was so tiny, a little bambino and still had his eyes closed, and it broke my heart to see him lying there alone, squeaking for his Mama. I knew Mama wouldn’t be able to come back for him with repairs being made to the shed. How long could the little survive without her? My husband looked at me and said “Well, go on and get it.” He understands me too awfully well. I asked where Mama went, I followed his direction and found the family around the back. I grabbed my husband’s gloves mostly for sanitary reasons and partly because I’m a pansy, carefully picked up the little fellow and carried him around to where I saw Mama last. Before I could lay Bambino down, Mama peeked her mothering head around a box, saw me and darted away before I could say “Wait, he’s right here!” I hoped I hadn’t missed my chance to reunite this mother and infant, since she was certainly searching for him and following his little squeaks. I laid tiny Bambino where I saw Mama last and stepped away. I couldn’t go too far. I had to know if she came back. She would have to come back for him... I really hoped she would. All of sudden, there she was! She popped her little brown head up over a box, saw Bambino, jumped back in the box, ran around the side and grabbed Bambino and ran off. “YES!” I jumped, clapped my hands and did a Rocky dance with both hands in the air, and a sported a great big smile on my face! 

Now, I know that having a family of mice living in my backyard as neighbors isn’t the most ideal situation. They’ll probably lead to more mice and they might try moving into my house some day, but I just couldn’t bare leaving that little baby alone like that, on a dirty, dank concrete floor. Mother nature will take over from here, and even if I’m trying to keep little Bambino out of my house one day, I’ll sleep better knowing that I didn’t leave that little guy high and dry. I am a mother after all... and after Mama found Bambino, I’d like to think she’s resting easier tonight as well. 

A Song That Makes Me Smile

This song has brought a smile to face since about 1985 and yep, I've been caught belting it out while driving down the road... That was a little embarrassing, but that a brought a smile to their face too. I love it when my kids are playing LEGO Rock Band and they have to play it for me!

I found this "Songs That Makes Us Sing" through Because I'm the Mommy.

Day 16 Reflection of Smiles

A list of the moments that made me smile today--

When I dropped my son off for tutoring, he got out of the car and walked towards the door, but turned with a smile and gave me an enthusiastic wave just before he walked inside. 

When I picked my son up from tutoring, he beamed with pride to show me his new reward, a plastic snake. I've since put that snake away three times, but it seems to find a way of slithering its way back out. 

My friends had a baby today, mom and baby are doing well. How wonderful is that?!


At the store, my daughter picked out what she thought her friend would want for the birthday party instead of picking out what she would want for herself. 

At lunch, my kids didn’t bicker with one another at all and they even shared croutons and sunflower seeds.

While at home, my kids got in trouble for being too rough with each other and they were sent to their room (not smile-worthy). After about two minutes, I could hear them laughing with each other and  I let them have their fun instead of cracking down on quiet time.

At the track tonight, I saw my son enjoying his run, win ribbons and receive high-fives from his coaches. As he was racing down the 100 meter, I was cheering him on and he looked over and smiled at me. 

My daughter enjoyed her run too, received ribbons and stars, told me all about the game Duck Duck Ice and was completely embarrassed by my cheering her on during her 100 meter race.

The humor that passes between three ladies making their way around a track and cheering on their children, whether the children like it or not, can be very smile inducing!

Returning home to find that dinner was done already by husband! Woot Woot!

Out of nowhere, my daughter looks at me and says “I love you, Mommy.” She then asked for a hug and smiled sweetly as she received my love in return. 

I read bedtime stories to my kids. My girl practiced using her sight words and sounding out words she didn’t know without getting frustrated. My son is reading one of my childhood favorites and I was happy to read a chapter to him.

Just before going to bed, my son told me about all the good things he liked about the day.

It was a busy and exhausting day, but after looking back upon it, I see that it was a good day. I enjoyed the time spent with my kids and my friends. I now need to sit back and relax a little with my husband. I know he cooked today, but maybe I can still squeeze a neck rub out of him. That sounds very smile inducing as well! Oh, and if you’re wondering what Duck Duck Ice is, it’s the same as Duck Duck Goose, except that you slip a piece of ice onto the person that will chase you. Perfect fun on such a hot day and it gave many children laughter and smiles and many parents enjoyed watching the kids squeal in delight! I got a few smiles out of that too. Now, to find my husband...

Day 15 Rx Smile

I have to be completely honest here. Today wasn’t a great day. It wasn’t a horrible day either. I just felt irritated all day and there was no getting out of it. It didn’t start out that way, but the aggravation kept building much like my son’s LEGO toys. Why, you ask? My children have But-I Syndrome. Never heard of it? Allow me to explain. But-I Syndrome is a pediatric condition where the child responds to any and all parental request with the words “but I...” and is occasionally accompanied with stomping, hair pulling, jaw and fist clenching, and slamming doors, . It is contagious among siblings, leads to exhaustion of parents, all of which often seems incurable. My daughter had a bad case of the dreaded disorder today.

My daughter had a play date today. I was reminded of this the second I got up this morning because my daughter was already in her bathing suit, ready for the friend’s inflatable water slide. She began preparing her backpack with what she felt was necessary for this get together. Unfortunately, she packs like my husband (See Day 14 Packing a Smile) and we disagreed upon what was needed. I don’t feel that she should bring more than a change of clothes, towel, sunblock and water bottle. I explained this to her as she was trying to cram in fancy dress-up clothes, stuffed animals, a crown, sunglasses, toy glasses, dress-up shoes, and jewelry. “But I need to bring them!!” she says to me. My poor floors, I feel badly that they get stomped on like they do, but they’ve got it easy compared to the door jams. I packed the bag with what I felt was appropriate and added sunglasses, crown and one stuffed animal as a compromise after she came to her senses (threats of missing play dates can bring about a miraculous change in the condition) and realized that the more she brought, the more she was likely to accidentally leave behind.

When it was time to pick up my ill child from the play date, I knew that her affliction would rear its ugly head again. “But I don’t want to go yet! I was having fun!!” My lovely daughter left the play date with a furrowed brow, another symptom of the sickness, with everything except the stuffed animal that was misplaced somewhere. 

At the store, we had another terrible episode of But-I Syndrome. I know, I should have put the ailing child on bed rest, but the shopping had to be done. As soon as we get inside, it all begins. My daughter is pushing my son aside so she can be in front of him. He starts telling on her. I ask her to stop shoving him to be next in line. “But I don’t want to be last!!” This is when my son began showing that he had caught this heinous disease. “But I don’t want to be pushed!” he says. At this point, I’ve made it clear that there is no shoving, bickering or arguing and we will walk side by side instead of in a line. That’s right, we’ll take up the entire aisle if we have to, but no shoving to be next in line or you’ll lose reward points! Well, that led to more bickering some how. “But I am trying to walk like you said and now he’s trying to get me in trouble by making me get in front of him!” Bed rest, there needs to be bed rest. For me or her? At that point, I wasn't sure which yet.

That is just a sample of the day in the life of parent caring for a child with But-I Syndrome. The disorder spread through out both children and progressively worsened through out the day. Earlier, I mentioned that the symptoms often seems incurable. For the most part, that does seem to be the case. On this particular evening, I was able to find relief. I was grateful to have my husband. He swooped him, gave the kids a chore, read them books and got them all set for bed. I never even had to ask for help. He knew my jump-rope (See Day 11 Short Ropes) was nearing its plastic handled end. I smiled when I heard him reading and counting with my daughter. I beamed when my girl counted the apples in the book and didn’t skip the number 15 for the first time! I loved seeing my son reading with my husband and actually smiling his way to sleep. While more research is needed, it would seem like a cure for But-I Syndrome lies within reach. Parental team work will be needed and along with rest and relaxation. Soon after, smiles with follow, much like tonight.

Day 13 Painted Smiles

I’m in the parking lot of a grocery store, peering into the trunk of my car. I really do attempt to prepare myself for any occasion by stocking my car with anything I can imagine that could come in handy! Need a place to sit while visiting a playground? I’ve got blankets for that. Does someone want to play baseball while out and about? I’ve got a bat and whiffle balls just for the occasion and a football if you change your mind. Oooh, paper cut? Yessirree Bob, I’ve got a first aid kit. Umbrellas, games, fishing gear, shoes, clothes and more, it’s all back there and usually fairly neatly stored. 


Today, I needed items to preoccupy the kids while waiting for the fireworks display. I’ve shoved glow sticks, sweaters, and balls in my bag, clutched blankets and a cute little fairy fold up chair and start off towards the fields. Wait, headphones! “Don’t close the trunk!” I grab headphones and turn away back towards the fields. Oh, you know what, I’ve got face paint! Yep, I have face paint in my trunk. What, you don’t?. “Open the trunk again!” After I’ve shoved the palette of  perfectly pretty pastels into my handbag, And I’m off to see the fireworks, for real this time. 


As I’m carrying this load across the parking lot to my awaiting family, I begin to feel burdened. Literally, I’m carrying quite a bit here. I’ve got the tinker fairy’s chair banging against one leg, my over flowing handbag falling off my shoulder, a blanket unravelling and I’m trying to keep my tied sweater from sliding off my waist. I picture that Breathe and Flow jump rope with a new notch in it and decide to use the mantra. I take a big, belly filling breath and release. I wasn’t exactly shocked to feel calmer or better, but I was surprised where my brain took me in that breath. I thought “What a great moment this night will be! Don’t forget any of it!” I was right. It was a fun, easy going evening, and I loved it all!

There were countless smile moments! We set out our blankets, I got out the face paint. My moxie-filled diva of a daughter sat in front of me and we began the artwork. I started one on her and she moved on to decorating me. We had a blast adding flowers, butterflies, angels and mom “tattoos” to our canvas of skin. 

Up walks more family and friends and what’s not to do, but smile! My son was in a great mood almost all day and it continued into the late night. Even almost throwing a football up an innocent bystanders behind by accident didn’t make him upset. And there’s nothing like cheap plastic light up toys to make a child smile either! The fireworks began, my daughter wore her headphones and listened to music to keep from having to cover her ears from the booms, and we all gathered closer to watch the spectacular event. It was stress free. We were all happy in that moment. The fireworks were great, but the moment was enlivening! It was a great evening and I will do everything I can to try and remember it all. And hey, now that I see how I look with multiple colorful tattoos up and down my arms, maybe I’ll design a real one to remember the evening. Maybe a few fireworks on the upper arm. Heh, well it was just a thought and even that one made me smile again! 

Day 12 Feathers and Family

I have begun to realize that my wardrobe has gotten stale. I’ve lost a bit of playfulness in my fashion right along with that smile for which I’m searching. Somewhere along my life's path, I substituted animal print flats for comfy sandals. Oh, I still love my big brown boots and can’t get enough of them, but I’ve lost the glitzier side of my wardrobe. I don’t buy a lot of clothing, so I tend buy easy wear clothes and a few items that have that extra bit of design to them. That’s why I love handbags so! I can add a punch of color or pizazz to any plain outfit with my handbag. Unfortunately, I have somewhat expensive tastes when it comes to those carriers of necessities and not so necessities and I can’t just go out and get a new one any time I would like to do so. I have forgotten all about the other types of accessories though! 

Today, I came across a headband that I never would have had the guts to buy before. A cute feathery piece with a band that almost disappears once placed upon my head. The subdued purple and hint of turquoise smiled to me and I had to have it. The hair piece is most certainly unique next to the rest of my hair accessories which consist of black hair bands and tortoise shell clips. Doesn’t get much more boring than that! I definitely felt doubt about the purchase, wondering would I actually wear it, but I got it any way and wore it immediately! I felt more youthful and whimsical! A portable  fountain of youth that brightened the eyes, and I can’t wait to wear it again! It may seem silly that I can feel this way over a headband, and I can’t fully explain it, but I just felt livelier! That’s enough for me. 

And where did I wear this feathery goodness? To my sister’s new home for a barbecue! I loved being there and seeing how happy she is in her comfortable abode, with a fellow who treats her well and all the possibilities that lay ahead for her. The kids had a good time coaxing me and multiple other people to play tag and baseball with them and everyone enjoyed the afternoon out. That’s right, I was pitching whiffle balls with feathers in my hair! I had a good time along with everyone else and I hope we have many more gatherings just like that for years to come. My sister’s happiness and her sharing her home with us all made for an evening filled with smiles! I wanted to soak up every moment of it and hold on to it for as long as possible. These events are too few to take them for granted. When I wear my purple feathers, I will smile thinking of my sister’s gathering and my poor pitching skills that didn’t hamper my son from cracking apart every ball. I will remember my daughter’s eager laughter during stuffed animal tag. I don’t think this headband will be shut away in a closet with the rest of my hair ties. This one will remain close by and visible so I can be reminded as often as possible of my good time with family, and a smile can be brought back to me once more. 

Day 11 Short Ropes

Remember that “Breathe and Flow” mantra from Day 5? Yes, well I forgot it today. Today wasn’t a continuation of the lazy days from before. We went outlet mall shopping and then returned home to a truck load of mulch in my parents’ driveway. My father and my son were already hard at work filling a wagon and dispersing the mulch and my son was loving it. I joined right in. No need to work out tonight! I am not known to be an outdoorsy type of person and it is not my favorite place to work either. Sure, I like sitting on the deck and reading a book, but that’s about where it ends. That being said, I enjoyed the hard work. It felt good to lend a  hand for my parents when they so regularly give and never ask for anything in return. All of that went well. Clean up was another story...

By this point, I’m tired and hungry. I left my son with instructions to take a shower and that didn’t happen. Even after walking him to the shower later, we still had to keep reminding him to get out. I should have just let it go, but it is one of those things that just irk me now. Why can’t he just wash his hair, wash his body and get out? Of course rinse hair and body too, believe me, I have to remind him of that as well. I should have just repeated “breath and flow” to myself when I was feeling irritated and I didn’t. I had to make my point and frustrate the situation further by counting down to him and shouting through the door that it’s time to get out now. Why didn’t I just walk away? Because I was frustrated already. I felt the build up of many small stressors throughout the day and allowed them to culminate into that very moment, a moment where, once again, some body didn’t listen to me and I felt the proverbial end of my rope slip away. Terrible terrible terrible! I have got to breathe and flow. I’m going to picture a long sisal rope. No, a jump rope like the ones from grade school! That's a more colorful and playful kind of rope. Stamped on the rope will be the mantra “breathe and flow”. I need to take that rope and mentally create notches in it through out the day at times that I’m feeling stressed so I can see when the end is coming and learn to avoid meltdowns at the end of the day.  I will practice more! I will practice with smaller situations and bigger situations. I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them. My jump rope will remind me to play more and stress less and allow me to see when I’ve reached a limit of stressful situations. Yep, that's what I'll do. Gotta love a plan!

On a more spirited note, I will say that seeing my son wave to me as we pulled into the driveway today was one of my biggest smile provoking moments. I loved seeing him brighten up when we arrived and run to meet us so he could tell us how hard he’s been working. Another big smile moment would be from my daughter. Miss priss was completely against the idea of working. “I’m in my best dress!” she declared when asked to join in. She eventually came out and got into the thick of it, even spreading mulch with her bare hands! The little insectophobe was out there shoveling, getting dirty and plucking weeds, well not the weeds with bugs on them, but she plucked a few. Her pride shone through and it made me happy to see her thrilled with herself. My kids are great source of my happiness and I need to focus more on that at times. I need to take more time to be happy with them and not just the dictator that gives orders. More playtime is needed and more smiles will come... maybe we’ll go jump rope together!

Day 10 Monster Smile

It feels so good to be lazy!! I took time to sit in the warm sun and read, put together a puzzle with my mother and take a walk with my husband. A girl can get used to this! While there wasn’t much happening today that I would really find worthy to share, there was one funny moment that made me smile...

My son arrived home this afternoon and decided to watch television. He’s a bit of a gear-head usually and apparently, I have an internal limit to how much I can withstand shows that review cars, auction cars, restore cars, build cars, wreck cars and etcetera, so much so that I am willing to watch just about anything else. And that is why I didn’t protest when he came across a show about searching for a loch ness type of monster. This show went off and he seemed to enjoy it. Afterwards, a new show about a chupacabra monster came on. I could tell that this particular show had a very intense, yellow journalism feel to it and I asked my son if he was sure he wanted to watch this. “Of course, I do!” he says. I figured I would just see what happens. I really don’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than necessary.  As the show continues, it became a bit too realistic to me and so I said that he should probably turn the channel if it’s bothering him. He changes it alright, but then he becomes weepy and upset--How will he know what happens now? I told him that I was giving him the choice to change it or not, but that I didn’t want the show to be upsetting to him. He leaps for the remote and turns the channel back to the chupacabra. I’m watching him carefully when suddenly the chupacabra jumps out into the scene! He sits bolt upright, mouth gaping, eyes big as saucers and looks to me. “I’m changing the channel. It’s freakin’ me out!” I may be back to watching how a car is made with robots in a factory, but at least I know that my son was able to handle the surprise monster attack. If he hadn’t turned the channel back, we would have had a long battle about a tv show. Instead, he watched more than I would have liked, but it didn’t hurt him. He made the decision to change the channel and now he understands why I warned him about it. After he changed the station, he was perfectly fine. I will not always allow him to make the decision, but this is one I can live with. There are a lot of real life monster moments that I won’t be there to warn him about and I want him to learn to handle those big decisions on his own when the time comes.

Not only did I have a bit of laugh to myself when he jumped out of his skin (it was pretty funny), but I can smile knowing he’s gotten one monster under his belt. Take that chupacabra!

Day 9 Cast a Smile

I am noticing some changes around here. I almost don’t want to reflect on our case of good humoredness in fear of completely jinxing our way back into freak-out land. Maybe it is all due to our vacation and taking a break from all scheduling, but I would like to think that it is in part due to me taking time to adjust my way of seeing things, at least attempting to make adjustments. I feel as though it may be rubbing off onto my son. As much as I would love to believe that, I can't say that I do completely. I know I'm smiling more and am more content in general. I have seen the same from him. 

I have noticed my son beginning to get frustrated and with a quick reminder, he is able to turn his emotions around. I’ve watched him smile more even in situations that I would have expected him to become serious and upset. Regardless of why, to see him smile abundantly is a conquest that I have long sought after through advice, books, therapists, doctors, and more before I ever considered my own happiness. I want nothing more than to see him light up and enjoy his life. Don’t take me as naive here, I know this doesn’t mean everything is “fixed” and all will be hunky-dory, but more smiles and less meltdowns is a step in the right direction. I know that there will be good days and bad days, but I would love for my boy to experience the better half of that equation. The day that I told my son he had Asperger’s Syndrome, I told him that every one has strengths and every one has weaknesses. I explained to him that his strengths were numerous and that we would work together to make the weaknesses that troubled him less troublesome. It would take practice, time and patience, but he is capable of anything he puts his mind to, especially with us, his family, working with him. I want to be right about that and I certainly don’t want to let him down. Seeing him actually accept a situation that may not have had an outcome that he so desperately expected, is like lighting a candle in a dark room. It starts with a small seam of light, but quickly casts a beautiful and warming glow upon those who have been in the dark room awaiting the flame to banish the anxiety of what could be hidden by the darkness. His smile sparks and my son’s face lights up. I feel grateful to see him glow and relieved to see the dark turmoil lifted from him. It’s both comforting and rewarding to us all and without a doubt, smile worthy. So here's hoping for more sparks of smiles for him, and that we all bask in his glow.  

Day 8 Mile of Smiles

It was another easy going day. I love summer vacation, especially when we don’t have places to be everyday. 

Today’s highlight was that my husband was able to join us at my parent's home finally. What I really enjoyed was taking some time for each other. I know this may not sound like quality couple" time, but we took a nap on the couch together! I don’t think we’ve been able to do that in years! If either of us try to sleep during daylight hours, our kids have an uncanny ability to lose any form of self-reliance. I have also noticed that they feel the need to inform us of their every move, which is great in some ways, but I don’t need to know that they’re going to the bathroom to pee. It can be particularly grating on the nerves when it interrupts you from much needed beauty sleep and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason I have to dye my hair so often. 

After the nap and a family dinner, my husband and I took a nice little walk around the neighborhood. It was time spent together and I don’t think we talked about anything stressful. Not one thing! It was just time with one another, reminiscent of when we first started dating and walked for hours up and down the streets of our city. As we walked along the unfamiliar road tonight, observing the surroundings, I found myself smiling and laughing like the old days. Each step along the mile or so reminded me that this is a man I enjoy having by my side. 

The kids have been playing well together today, for the most part at least. I tucked them into bed and gave them Reiki treatments. Reiki is a Japanese form of healing that uses energy to provide relaxation and well being. If you’re not familiar with it, it can sound pretty crazy, but I’ve been a practitioner for a few years and have been amazed by it. While I don’t actively seek clients with my hectic schedule, I do provide treatments to my family. As part our anxiety reducing techniques, I thought I would include regular Reiki treatments into our routines. I am hoping to give treatments to the kids for just a few minutes at night. The kids like getting the treatments and they seem to enjoy it quite a bit before bed. We’ll have to see how I do with that commitment. I can’t see myself doing that nightly, but maybe I can get a few nights a week in. The problem is, I’m in such a need of that beauty sleep that I tend to nod off during their treatments! Oh well, some Reiki is better than none and I always feel so much better after giving a treatment. It really is good for each of us and will only lead to more smiles down the road. 

Day 7 A week later...

I am happy to report that this was a very easy going and relaxing day! I got not one, but two workouts in and I always feel better when I am in an exercise routine. The kids were both in exceptional moods and I really didn’t have any meltdowns or spastic episodes to work around. It truly was a lovely day! Maybe this last week of seizing smiles has made a difference already...

The best part of the day was just a few minutes ago. While getting a load of laundry together, I asked my son to help out. He was in a chatty mood and talking about some television show he saw displayed on the channel guide called “1000 Ways to Die”. None of us have seen this show, but it got my son thinking. “Mom, I know 20 ways to die!” he says enthusiastically. Well, I’d rather not get into that discussion! Who knows where that will lead us and whether or not it will end in a meltdown when he realizes he’s talking about the sensitive subject of death. That topic has landed us into major emotional collapses.  I decided to divert the conversation without making it seem like a bad topic. I have to be careful about how I do this because I don’t want him interpreting my diversion as me saying that he’s thinking of bad things. He’ll feel guilty and we could be in the throws of a meltdown again over something not really important. As he helped me by catching the clothes I dropped going down the stairs, I said “I would love to know 20 ways to make you smile.” I ended up hearing 24 things! He smiled the whole time while he kept count of the items. I loved hearing everything he said even though I wasn’t surprised by any of the of them and for once I wasn’t having to hear about building some massive contraption, car, or tree house over and over. I loved every minute of it and having my son by my side during laundry duty didn’t make it feel like such a chore. I just might have to incorporate him into this duty more often. So thank you to my amazing son for supplying me with another smile worthy moment by smiling himself! I love ya kid!

Day 6 Pinstripes

Alice Cooper said it best with “No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks” from his “School’s Out” song. Yes, I know that rhyme wasn’t coined by him, but I sure feel like Alice Cooper by the time school winds down... It’s our first school free Monday of the summer and I couldn’t be happier! Despite the fact that my son is waking up over an hour earlier than I could normally drag him out of bed on school mornings, I was thrilled not to have to remind him to take his vitamins, and actually chew his food only to barely get out the door before the bus passes because I’ve been begging him to stop staring at the mirror for five minutes instead of brushing his teeth. It was a pretty great morning. I enjoyed lounging around free of stress and sipping my coffee while the kids peacefully meandered their way through their morning. That was down right awesome. I didn’t even get dressed until sometime after 10:00, or was it 11:00?! There was internal smiling going on this morning!

There were some up and down moments this afternoon with my son. Our routine is way off since we are out of town visiting my family and he spent most of the day out at my father’s business, a collision center. He loves it there because he has his own tools and being the car fanatic and engineer that he his, he feels like he’s at home. The problem is, it gets a bit overstimulating for him and unstructured so it can bring about little emotional meltdowns like he had today. If he goes back tomorrow, I’ll make sure he has a project to work on and a Plan B project in case he needs it. But after a long day at the shop, he wanted to ride his ATV which happened to be out of gas. Another meltdown. Ughh!! I tried to divert the mood swing by telling him to use his trailer for something. Something went wrong again. Another meltdown. UGHHH!! Okay, so maybe it’s time for him to go in, shower and relax. As he’s taking the trailer into the garage, he was distracted by his emotions and he side swiped my car’s bumper with the wagon. DOUBLE UGHHH!! Now, I’ve got green stripes on my bumper. Not so smile-worthy, but I sent him in to shower instead of losing my top, and I continued a soccer game with my daughter. That’s right... the little diva played soccer! This is the same little girl that I once asked if she wanted to join the soccer team and she replied “You mean, you want me to kick a ball?! No thanks!” So I was pretty thrilled when she got out there in the grass among the terrifying bugs and actively kicked my behind (she cheats). She was hilarious with her rules such as “using hands are ok” and “wear sunscreen” so I had quite a few laughs. Once my son showered, he apologized for my new unintentional pinstripes and offered to paint my bumper. All ended well and we’re all settling in for the night with smiles instead of tears. I guess my son’s projects for tomorrow will be buffing the stripes out of my bumper. Two problems solved already and I have another reason to smile!

Day 5 The Roller Coaster Day

It was certainly a hectic day today and I while I had my fair share of smile worthy moments, I also had a missed opportunity. Hey, I knew it would happen. I’m going to spend a moment to reflect on the rougher episode, or smile miss, before I share my more pleasurable moments. 

My 6 year old needed to get ready for her dance recital today so there was hair and nails, glitz and glamour to be done by 0900 hours. Why military time? Because I wish I were that organized! If I had been, I wouldn’t have missed my opportunity to seize a smile instead of losing my cool. I was feeling the stress and when it was time to motivate my son into getting ready, I failed miserably. Everything I wanted him to do was met with confrontation and instead of handling the situation with grace and dignity, I worsened the interaction by intensifying my own reactions. I should have taken a deep breathe and walked away momentarily. I was rushing and at the time it seemed imperative that we leave at the predetermined time set forth by me and supported by my husband. Looking back, we got to the auditorium early and then had to wait around more because the staff was late taking the girls. Why couldn’t I have just given him more time? I’m always telling him “we just have to go with the flow”, but I really feel like I shouldn’t be dishing out that advice if I can’t take it myself. I really need to work on that! That will become a priority! So one last recap of what I’ve learned here and then I’ll allow myself to move on... When the moment seems incredibly rushed and overwhelming, take a moment to breathe and go with the flow. It certainly won’t hurt nearly as much as the guilt of losing my cool. New mantra: Breathe and Flow! Duly noted.

Now on to the happier moments, otherwise I’ll fester on the aforementioned missed opportunity. The recital was another proud moment, much like yesterday! My lovely daughter did a fantastic job and I was thrilled to be there for her. I cheered, I cried and pretended to have something in my eye, and beamed from pride. I was also glad that she didn’t fall off the stage which she nervously told me yesterday she feared might happened, so that’s a bonus! Plus, my son only told me he was hungry for a snack about 18 times (thank you conveniently located table of goodies). Overall, the recital was an amazing time.

I also was thrilled to be heading out to my parents’ home for a long week. My blog is a little late due to traveling, but that’s ok because I’ll just go with the flow, no rush (breathe and flow). I thoroughly enjoyed singing along with tunes during the car ride despite the presence of passengers. I’m sure they would have rather I didn’t belt out my favorites, but since I was driving I figured it would be fine and they would survive. Besides, the children had headphones so I think major mental and emotional trauma from embarrassment was averted. At least that’s what I’ll tell the therapist when they’re older, that they were properly prepared for my joviality. Once home, I delighted in seeing my sister’s new home she’s buying and then had a fun, butt-kicking workout with my dad. There’s nothing funnier than seeing me try to stay balanced while doing three direction kicks which means that my father must have had a good internal laugh at that as well. I’m feeling pretty good now. I can expect to make mistakes, but I’ll also learn from them. Eventually, I’ll be breathing flowing myself into more and more smile moments despite the infractions just like today. Not every day is perfect, but they can still end in smiles.

Day 4 Proud and Proven Smile

I was born on a Tuesday, but I was not born full of grace as the old poem goes. Unfortunately for my little girl, she wasn’t blessed with grace either. She’s been in dance lessons for two years now and we continue with it because she enjoys it. She’s a kid after all, so as long as she’s enjoying it, who cares if she goofs around a little. She spent most of her time playing and never seemed to really get the hang of the dance routine. That’s how it was the first year of lessons and that seemed to be the way of it during the second year. So I was expecting the same type of behavior at her recital rehearsal today.

When we got to the auditorium, she turned to me and said, “I don’t feel good mom. My throat feels funny.” That told me that she was nervous and her anxiety was high. So I walked her over to her friend and she started to perk up. The rehearsals began and I sat in the dark room awaiting the curtain to part. I was anxious to see her dances as I had yet to see a whole routine. The moms were banned from the lesson room due to space and distractions, which was a total nuisance to me. I didn’t enjoy being banished to a narrow waiting room teeming with other moms, children and dancers jostling and jockeying for prime positions while one dance room tried to outdo the other with their loud music. There wasn’t much opportunity to see the girls practicing so I was both literally and figuratively left in the dark on rehearsal day. Well the curtain opened and there she was. Looking so much taller than I remembered her being just minutes ago. She wore a determined expression as well. She meant to do this right and do her best. And she did! She may not have been completely perfect, but she blew me away! I couldn’t believe that was my daughter up there! She amazed me during both dances and I couldn’t wait to tell her how proud she had made me. I didn’t care if she did everything perfect or not, but to see her commit to the routines that she had deemed as play time and to do so under nervous pressure took me by surprise. I was so thrilled to see her when she got off the stage and when she saw me she was beaming! We looked at each other and lit up inside! I loved every minute of it! It made every claustrophobic waiting room moment more than worth it.  So much so, that we’ll be doing it all again next year. I’ll just have to hold onto today’s proud smile-worthy moment. If you see a woman grinning from ear to ear in a tight space with too many people in it while being bombarded with “Whip My Hair” and “Evacuate the Dance Floor” at the same time over and over and over again... you’ll know it’s me and you’ll know why! My inner thoughts are on my sweet girl proving to herself that she can do whatever she sets her mind to and how I lucky I was to be there for it.

Day 3- Realizing What Makes Me Smile

Today, I began listening to an anxiety reducing program. Why? Because my daughter has suddenly started losing her mind over bugs and blood. If she sees bugs, she completely freaks out and has tried jumping out of her booster seat. Thankfully, this hasn’t happened while I was actually driving yet, but I’m not sure how long that record will last. The last time she saw blood, she turned completely white, broke out into a full body sweat and made it clear that she would throw up. She kept yelling “Aaaacckk, aaacckk!” Now, I don’t even want to think about what will happen if both of those fears were to happen at the same time! We’d need a Xanax... not for her, for me! She’s scaring the holy out of me every time it happens because there is definite screaming going on. Everything is fine, then all of sudden, someone lets loose a banshee and I turn to see that the banshee is in fact, my daughter. Yikes!

So back to the anxiety program... Part of what I needed to do in order to teach my daughter how to handle her anxiety, is to look at myself. The author asked for the parent to spend 10 minutes writing down what makes him/her feel bad. After a full 10 minutes, I came up with this list of horrid things:

Cooking, cooking, cooking x 1,000,000

Putting away leftovers

Always having to be on the go 

Homework (my kids’)

Rushing around

Grocery shopping

The kids bickering

Not being around my family & friends ( we moved away from my close family/friends 5 years ago)

Tantrums

Spider veins

Balancing the bank accounts

Tight spaces/Crowded spaces

Being interrupted when I'm on the phone

Messy rooms

Gardening/Lawn care-- All maintenance in general really

Feeling like I have to do it all

Cold weather or rainy weather, cold & rainy weather is even worse!

Waiting for the school bus in the cold, rainy, cold & rainy weather

Now that I’ve accomplished reminding myself of all the yucky things, I’ve determined that all of that makes me hurt in my back, neck and shoulders. Well, wasn’t that a fun thing to find out. On to the good stuff! What makes me feel good? I was pleasantly surprised to find these thoughts really flowing out! Here’s what I jotted down in 10 minutes:

Watching movies with the kids

Reading to the kids

Handbags

Alone time with husband

Beach vacations

Playing board games as a family

Playing Rock Band with my son

Batting in the backyard with the kids

Photography

Crochet

Beach vacations

Our pets (or small petting zoo if you were to ask my husband)

Backyard campfires with Reese’s s’mores

Holidays/holiday shopping

Being with my family

Reading

Waking up and seeing my wall of goodies the kids gave me

Fishing with husband

Beach vacations

Laying on the couch, watching our shows with husband

When my husband cooks... I love that!

My dogs! And how they follow me around unless there’s food around elsewhere

Back rubs and I get a daily hug from husband that is actually an attempt to crack my back-- it’s a blessing really!

Going out with friends

Reiki (I’m a practitioner)

When my kids succeed or are enjoying themselves

Sunshine, and hot weather

Weekends out and about for fun with my husband and kids

Beach vacations

That greenhouse feeling I get when I sit by the glass door in the sunshine waiting for my  kids to get off the school bus.

Just thinking about all those joyful moments really lit me up from within. It not only felt good to remind myself that I have these events in my life, but I physically felt lighter. I felt my muscles loosen, my shoulders drop, and the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders flow away. I looked at that list three times and smiled. You know what... this could be a way to smile every day. Look at the “good” list and maybe add to it from time to time. And you know that first list of the “bad” stuff, I’ll just have to find a way to not have to deal with those things quite so much. Now where’s the take out menus? Ahhh, take out... no cooking... Say, why there’s another smile already!

Day 2 Triumphant Smile

Today, I may not have had a big laugh out loud moment resembling my shower insanity of yesterday, but I definitely felt the potential of what smiling can hold for me. I found myself celebrating a minor triumph with a contented grin. The word contented is key here! Let me explain why... Today, I was able to stop my son from having a meltdown before he was able to shed tears! It was quick and painless for us all. Instead of worrying about how to prevent these sudden emotional downfalls like I usually do, I allowed myself to breathe in and out a few times and just smile. I was successful after all, why not take a minute to let that sink in for once. There was no way I could have seen my son's inner turmoil brewing under the circumstances so there's no sense in trying to analyze it further. I let myself enjoy our small win and be content. A minute later, not only was I smiling, but so was my son. And that's another reason to smile...